« EVERYBODY’S DANISH Uncle Fred’s reliving the days of his youth. | Home | Everybody’s Danish – Chapter “Love & the Herring Barrel!” »
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES
By fred | February 3, 2009
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES
Before we get into the Humor & Stuff from Buddies, hope you don’t mind if I bend your ears for a bit.
I wish I could send everything I get, although many of the messages I receive even I can’t get. I keep getting stuff with attachments my computer is not equipped to open so I just delete it, I have mentioned this before but no one listens.
Please just send me only stuff that is open on the first page, forget the attachments that will need some particular attachment included on my computer to make it work. I have learned how to work the computer I have now, darned if I will start adding more at my age. O. K. –so that proves you are smarter than I am, that it O. K. by me. Hey, some of my old high school team mates haven’t even learned how to turn one of these wondrous machines on. So I am one up on somebody!
It looks like our departed president will be the subject for jokes far into the distant future, in my opinion it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. What a shambles our nation is in, one prayer we should give each night is that Obama can straighten it all out in the next four years, that to me would be a miracle in itself.
Getting old is interesting, that is if you are a morbid so and so. Still– when I think of the stuff we have to do with very little adjusting I gotta admit there is a bit of humor in it all, when you get old you have to look at life with a bit of humor or you will go nuts.
I have to wear a plastic mask at night now and have a hose hooked up to a thousand dollar plus machine, this the result of having flunked the overnight sleep test. That was a kick in the butt also. They hook you up with 38 wires I mean wires hooked up to darn near every body part they could paste a wire too and that was only part of it all.
Hooking you up to all those wires, you are expected to go to sleep! They said I did for a few hours, something I would like to dispute, except you don’t argue with docs – they point to rolls of paper all scrolled up as if that was the Ten Commandments, or some Holy Script with lines up and down that mean absolutely not a damn thing to me, ha well, they seem to know it all.
The result of the flunked test is that I have to wear a mask hooked up to a contraption that pumps air into my lungs. This is to open something or other in your throat so you get air.
A good high school buddy, dating way back to the mid 1940’s, Bobby Lieberknecht says he has had to wear the damn thing, the mask every night for the past five years. Bob sent me a couple pictures with it on. Enough to scare anyone – looks like a bank stick up guy or maybe looks like a diver in the ocean, except he is not in water, it sure as heck did not look like my good buddy Bobby.
I told Sally to be cool about it all, and not wake up at night and think a masked bandit is in bed with her. Heart doc says I gotta wear it to prevent strokes, just hope it does not give my lady a stroke sleeping with me.
Talk about a controller of my life, my pint sized heart surgeon now controls more than that. Doc says I have to take fish oil pills, two in the morning and two at night. I already take so many pills that I can’t even count em. Sally puts them in cup cake paper cups and I just swallow them down. If I pissed her off she could kill me anytime by inserting something bad, and her stupid husband would just pop em down his throat.
HOWEVER, there are some advantages to old age. If you screw up, make a mistake, do something dumb, folks forgive you immediately, seems they figure you have already lost it, so they will be nice to old folks and dumb animals. What the heck, I have always loved animals so if I gotta be dumped in a group, animals are O. K. with me.
More in the saga of old age in future editions of my life and times.
Enjoy, the following humor and odds and end sent in by buddies.
THE PERSISTENT MAN
One sunny day an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, ‘I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.’
The Marine looked at the man and said, ‘Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.’
The old man said ‘Okay’ and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, ‘I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.’
The Marine again told the man, ‘Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.’
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine saying ‘I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.’
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, ‘Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?’
The old man looked at the Marine and said, ‘Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.’
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, ‘See you tomorrow.’
NEXT
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.
I’m having a real good time like I am.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
‘That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
‘And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’
One bright little girl replied,
‘Because people are sleeping.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
‘If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
‘ Ryan , you be Jesus !’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ the son asked.
‘He died and went to Heaven,’ the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
‘Did God throw him back down?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
‘Would you like to say the blessing?’
‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied.
‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEXT
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea . I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.
; What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened.
T he hot wat er machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
T he crea m put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.
NEXT
To Be 6 Again…
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s What a fabulous adventure! F inally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again??’
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ‘I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong.
NEXT
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”
The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.”
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
“Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America .”
The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese.”
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful America !”
That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East . I am not American.”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”
She says, “No, I am from Africa .”
Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”
The African lady checks her watch and says, “Probably at work.”
NEXT
Ha, you think we are taxed? Hey gang, from what my Australian lady buddy says, us guys and gals in American haven’t seen nothing yet. Here is a poem she sent me from Australia which illustrates their problem. Read on! —
Subject: Fw: THE TAX POEM
> At first I thought this was funny…
>
> then I realized the awful truth of it.
>
> Be sure to read all the way to the end!
>
> Tax his land,
> Tax his bed,
> Tax the table
> At which he’s fed.
>
> Tax his tractor,
> Tax his mule,
> Teach him taxes
> Are the rule.
>
> Tax his work,
> Tax his pay,
> He works for peanuts
> Anyway!
>
>
> Tax his cow,
> Tax his goat,
> Tax his pants,
> Tax his coat.
> Tax his ties,
> Tax his shirt,
> Tax his work,
> Tax his dirt.
>
> Tax his tobacco,
> Tax his drink,
> Tax him if he
> Tries to think.
>
> Tax his cigars,
> Tax his beers,
> If he cries
> Tax his tears.
>
> Tax his car,
> Tax his gas,
> Find other ways
>
>
> Tax all he has
> Then let him know
> That you won’t be done
> Till he has no dough.
>
> When he screams and hollers ;
>
> Then tax him some more,
> Tax him till
> He’s good and sore.
>
> Then tax his coffin,
> Tax his grave,
> Tax the sod in
> Which he’s laid.
>
> Put these words
> Upon his tomb,
> ‘Taxes drove me
> to my doom…’
>
> When he’s gone,
> Do not relax,
> Its time to apply
> The inheritance tax.
>
> Accounts Receivable Tax
> Airline surcharge tax
> Airline Fuel Tax
> Airport Maintenance Tax
> Building Permit Tax
> Cigarette Tax
> Corporate Income Tax
> Death Tax
> Dog License Tax
> Drivng Permit Tax
> Excise Taxes
> Federal Income Tax
> Federal Unemployment (UI)
> Fishing License Tax
> Food License Tax
> Gasoline Tax ( too much per litre)
> Gross Receipts Tax
> Health Tax
> Hunting License Tax
> Hydro Tax
> Inheritance Tax
> Interest Tax
> Liquor Tax
> Luxury Taxes
> Marriage License Tax
> Medicare Tax
> Mortgage Tax
> Personal Income Tax
> Property
> Poverty Tax
> Prescription Drug Tax
> Property Tax
> Provincial Income Tax
> Real Estate Tax
> Recreational Vehicle Tax
> Retail Sales Tax
> Service Charge Tax
> School Tax
> Telephone Federal Tax
> Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes Telephone
> Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax Vehicle License Registration Tax
> Vehicle Sales Tax
> Water Tax
> Watercraft Registration Tax
> Well Permit Tax
> Workers Compensation Tax
>
> STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
>
> Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was one
> of the most prosperous in the world.
>
> We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middleclass, and Mom
> stayed home to raise the kids.
>
> What happened?
>
> And I still have to ‘press 1′ for English!?!?!?!?
>
> I hope this goes around Australia at least 100 times!!!!! YOU can help
> it get there!!!!
>
NEXT
Why Did Jesus Fold the Napkin?
This is one I can honestly say I have never seen circulating in the
emails.
Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection? I never noticed this . . . .
The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes.
The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly
folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.
Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance.
She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom
Jesus loved. She said, ‘They have taken the Lord’s body out of the tomb, and I don’t know where they have put him!’
Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple
outran Peter and got there first. He stooped and looked in and saw thelinen cloth lying there, but he didn’t go in.
Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen
wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus’ head
was folded up and lying to the side.
Was that important? Absolutely!
Is it really significant? Yes!
In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day. The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy new this tradition.
When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it.
The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished.
Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table.
The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, ‘I’m done’.
But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid
it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table,
because . . . . . . . . . .The folded napkin meant, ‘I’m coming back!’
He is Coming Back!! Be Blessed
NEXT
Please Donate to the GWB Presidential Library
Dear Fellow Constituent:
“The George W. Bush Presidential Library” is now in the planning stages and accepting donations.
The Library will include:
1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President’s accomplishments.
The library will also include many famous quotes by George W. Bush:
1. ‘The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.’
2. ‘If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.’
3. ‘Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.’
4. ‘No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.’
5. ‘I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.’
6. ‘One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.’
7. ‘Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.’
8. ‘I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.’
9. ‘The future will be better tomorrow.’
10. ‘We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world..’
11. ‘One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.’ (During an education photo-op)
12. ‘Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it
13. ‘We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.’
14. ‘It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’
15. ‘I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.’… (George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson)
16. And so many more from: OBGYN’s can spread their love to women and teach a child to read, and he and her will be able to pass a literacy test.
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!
Sincerely,
Jack Abramoff, Co-Chair
G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors
NEXT
The Whale
A female humpback whale had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.
She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat.
She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a
line tugging in her mouth.
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Faralon Islands (outside the Golden Gate ) and radioed
for help.
Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only
way to save her was to dive in and untangle her — a very dangerous proposition. One slap of
the tail could kill a rescuer.
They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.
When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles.
She then ca me back to each and every diver, one at a time, nudged them, and pushed gently,
thanking them.
Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.
The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the
whole time,
and he will never be the same.
May you, and all those you love, be so fortunate…
To be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you.
And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.
I pass this on to you, my friend, in the same spirit
The end
Topics: HUMOR FROM BUDDIES | No Comments »