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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES
By fred | February 24, 2009
Dear Friends, love including your stuff in this section – one favor – please do not send things with the demand that in the next few minutes it must be sent to so and so many people. I will not do that, folks just can’t stop because you send a e-mail demanding they do something, not nice to ask, no matter how sweet the thought behind it. So all you do is make folks feel guilty that they did not respond.
Also, love prayers, Heaven knows we need them, however lately I have been sent so many, must be the times, that I just could not include them all. Maybe we should have a prayer catagory in my BLOG? -if you think so, let me know.
Read on for the latest of humor and stuff from buddies – may you all be blessed – forever!
Uncle Fred
Humor & Stuff from Buddies
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.
‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.
‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’
‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’
And the golfer walks off.
‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’
‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’
‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’
‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’
‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’
C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’
‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock. ‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’
‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
NEXT
TO: God.com
Dear Lord,
Every single evening as I’m lying here in bed, this tiny little Prayer keeps running through my head:
God bless all my family wherever they may be, Keep them warm and safe from harm for they’re so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing I wish that you could do; Hope you don’t mind me asking, Please bless my computer too.
Now I know that it’s unusual To Bless a motherboard, But listen just a second While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see, that little metal box Holds more than odds and ends; Inside those small compartments Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them By the kindness that they give, And this little scrap of metal Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them Much the same as you. We share in what life brings us And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute from your duties up above, To bless those in my address book that’s filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach to each and every friend, Bless each e-mail inbox and each person who hits’ send’.
When you update your Heavenly list on your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer Sent up to GOD.com
Amen
NEXT
DID YOU KNOW THE SECRET BEHIND YOUR
HOTEL KEY CARD?
You might have thought after all of the
traveling I
have done over the years
that I would have known this but I
didn’t. Hope
this is
helpful to you.
DID YOU KNOW THE SECRET BEHIND YOUR
HOTEL KEY CARD?
Ever wonder what is on your magnetic key
card?
a. Customer’s name
b.. Customer’s partial home address
c. Hotel room number
d. Check-in date and out dates
e. Customer’s credit card number and
expiration
date!
When you turn them in to the front desk
your
personal
information is there
for any employee to access by simply
scanning the
card
in the hotel scanner.
An employee can take a hand full of
> cards home and
using a scanning device,
access the information onto a laptop
computer and
go
shopping at your expense.
Simply put, hotels do not erase the
information on
these cards until an
employee re-issues the card to the next
hotel
guest. At
that time, the new
guest’s information is
electronically
‘overwritten’ on
the card and the
previous guest’s information is
erased in the
overwriting process. But until
the card is rewritten for the next
guest, it
usually is
kept in a drawer at the
front desk with YOUR INFORMATION ON IT!
The bottom line is: Keep the cards, take
them home
with
you, or destroy them. NEVER leave them
behind in
the
room or room wastebasket, and NEVER turn
them into the front desk when you check
out of a
room
They will not charge you
for the card (it’s illegal) and
you’ll be
sure you are
not leaving a lot of
valuable personal information on it that
could be
easily lifted off with any
simple scanning device card reader.
For the same reason, if you arrive at
the airport
and
discover you still have the card key in
your
pocket, do
not toss it in an airport trash basket.
Take it home and destroy it by cutting
it up,
especially through the electronic
information strip!
Information courtesy of: Pasadena Police
Department
Take a small magnet and pass it across
the magnetic
strip several times..
Then try it in the door, it will not
work. It
erases
everything on the card.
PLEASE FORWARD to friends and family.
NEXT
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . . ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.
‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
‘Is that so!’ With an attitude he asked, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now ! ! ! ‘
NEXT
No Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
I don’t know about you sometimes..
NEXT
The “Stella Awards”
It’s time again for th e annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella’s for the past year:
7TH PLACE: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE: Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE: Terrence Dickson, of Brist ol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more…
4TH PLACE: Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr. Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE: Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spill ed soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go…
2ND PLACE: Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinsk i sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid….? Ya Think??!!
More than a few of our judge’s elevators don’t go to the top floor either!
NEXT
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
‘Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?’
‘I can cut them for you’ said the pharmacist,
‘ but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.’
‘I’m 96 said the old man.
‘I don’t want an erection,
I just want it sticking out far enough
so I don’t pee on my slippers!’
NEXT
Dearest Redneck Son,
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Missouri family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice.. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Unc Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for a day and a half…
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down!
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
NEXT
When I was a kid, ( I think it was about 10 B.C., or there about’s)!
Like most other little people, I saved whatever money I could, from
whatever source was available, for one main purpose, a ticket to the
Saturday Matinee at the local Theater.
At the time I lived in Denver Colorado, and life,(in general), was a
whole lot simpler.
One thing in particular always seemed to “bug me” when I would see
it on the silver screen. I doubt I was the only one this occurred to,
but then, as now, this was not one of the subjects that were
discussed in polite circles, nor for the main part, in any circles,
at that time.
The greatest, and most popular Movie Stars of that time were, James
Cagney, Pat O’Brian, Humphrey Bogart, Clark Gable, Spencer Tracey,
and along with the Fabulous Cowboys of the era, Tom Mix, Bill
“Hopalong Cassidy” Boyd, John Wayne et al.
You’ll note that there are no Women mentioned. They really didn’t
impress 6,7,and 8 year old boy’s, in a like manner.
The problem I’m referring to, and puzzled over, for a good many
years, was that, in Pictures like, (wow!), I cant remember the Titles
of those movies, and I only watched them 70, or so years ago, my
memory must be slipping.
Well! That really doesn’t make much of a difference, as there were
several with similar story plots, and twists but maintained the same
“Enigma”.
In the main, the gist was, that one or more, of the stars, would
lead a life of crime, bad crime, such as rape, murder, and thievery
of all kinds, and yet, near the end of the show he would find
“absolution” through an old friend, and all his crimes were forgiven.
In some of these Dramas, the kindly Priest, (usually a childhood
friend), of the Hoodlum, would hear his “Confession” and forgive him
of all wrongdoing! SAY WHAT?
How can this be? I always wondered. And why couldn’t the Priest tell
of this mans crimes and aid in putting him away, as he should have been.
Not being Catholic, this really shouldn’t have bothered me all that
much, but I was still puzzled by the acceptance of this type
doctrine, and apparent cross purpose to crime prevention.
Then one evening about twenty or thirty years ago, I was watching a
crime Drama on T.V. and this type theme came up once again, and in
this story, a Criminal actually told his Priest that he intended to
kill again, and there was nothing he,(the Priest), could do about it,
and the Priest agreed that his allegiance to the “Confessional”would
not allow him to inform the Police of this bit of information.
I wont bore you with the rest of the story, but suffice to say, the
criminal was caught anyway, and afterwards the Cop,”Hero” of the
show, asked the Priest Why he couldn’t break the “confessional”,
under the conditions I’ve just described, and the Priest told him.
“The Church is not in the business of saving lives, but rather, of
saving Souls”.
PUZZLE SOLVED!
Or is it?
In Yesterdays Newspaper, I was somewhat amazed to read that the head
of the Catholic Church, The Pope himself, declaring that saving lives
was the most important thing to Catholics everywhere, gave a scathing
“Rebuff” to the Speaker of the House of Representatives, of the
United States of America, and,(perhaps), one of the most powerful
people in the Western Hemisphere, if not the World, due to her belief
in the right of Women to choose how to handle there own bodies.
Now Which is most important? Lives, or Souls? And can you ignore one
to save the other? And/or can you have it both ways?
Everyone is aware of the troubles the Catholic Priesthood has been
striving to correct over the past several years. Maybe a little less
Schizophrenic stress might be in order as well. After all! They are,
Human too!
NEXT
When a Veteran leaves the ‘job’ and retires to a better life, many are jealous, some are pleased, and others, who may have already retired, wonder if he knows what he is leaving behind, because we already know.
1. We know, for example, that after a lifetime of camaraderie that few experience, it will remain as a longing for those past times.
2. We know in the Military life there is a fellowship which lasts long after the uniforms are hung up in the back of the closet.
3. We know even if he throws them away, they will be on him with every step and breath that remains in his life. We also know how the very bearing of the man speaks of what he was and in his heart still is.
These are the burdens of the job. You will still look at people suspiciously, still see what others do not see or choose to ignore and always will look at the rest of the Military world with a respect for what they do; only grown in a lifetime of knowing.
Never think for one moment you are escaping from that life. You are only escaping the ‘job’ and merely being allowed to leave ‘active’ duty.
So what I wish for you is that whenever you ease into retirement, in your heart you never forget for one moment that you are still a member of the greatest fraternity the world has ever known.
NOW! Civilian Friends vs. Veteran Friends Comparisons
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you’re too busy to talk to them for a week.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having the last time you met.
—————————————————
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Have cried with you.
—————————————————
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it’s yours.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
————————————————-
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
—————————————————
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that’s what the crowd is doing.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Will kick the crowd’s ass that left you behind.
—————————————————
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Are for life.
—————————————————-
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have shared a few experiences…
VETERAN FRIENDS: Have shared a lifetime of experiences no citizen could ever dream of.
—————————————————
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, ‘You better drink the rest of that before you spill it!’ Then carry you home safely and put you to bed…
—————————————————-
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Will knock the hell out OF THEM…for using your name in vain.
—————————————————
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
VETERAN FRIENDS: Will forward this.
—————————————————-
A veteran – whether active duty, retired, or reserve- is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to ‘The Government of the United States of America’ for an amount of ‘up to and including my life’. . . and military wives are as much veterans as their spouses.
From one Veteran to another, it’s an honor to be in your company. Thank you Veterans.
NEXT
> Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine
> sniper, asked:
>
>
> “What do you feel… when you shoot a
> Terrorist?”
>
> The Marine shrugged and replied,
>
>
> “A slight recoil.”
>
NEXT
The Proposal”
When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of “tough decision”, and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.
Our government should not be immune from similar risks.
Therefore: Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members and Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State). Also reduce remaining staff by 25%.
Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.
Some Yearly Monetary Gains Include:
$44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay / member / yr.)
$97,175,000 for elimination of the above people’s staff. (estimate $1..3 Million in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Million in staff per each member of the Senate every year)
$240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion / yr)
The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and would need to improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country?
We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.
Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established. (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)
Note:
Congress did not hesitate to head home when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we have 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.
Summary of opportunity:
$ 44,108,400 reduction of congress members.
$282,100, 000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.
$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.
$59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.
$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.
$8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings. (that’s 8-BILLION just to start!)
Big business does these types of cuts all the time.
If Congresspersons were required to serve 20, 25 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits there is no telling how much we would save. Now they get full retirement after serving only ONE term.
IF you are happy how the Congress spends our taxes, then just delete this message. IF you are NOT at all happy, then I assume you know what to do.
NEXT
I am supposed to pick 12 women (who have touched my life) and whom I think would want to participate. I hope I chose the right twelve. Please send this back to me (You’ll see why). In case anyone is not aware, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways. Meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists. She is represented by roses.
Make a wish BEFORE you read the prayer. That’s all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Just send this to twelve people and let me know what happens on the fourth day.. Sorry you have to forward the message, but try not to break this, please. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. Did you make a wish yet? If you don’t make a wish, it won’t come true. This is your last chance to make a wish! St. Theresa’s Prayer is next:
‘May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.’
THE END
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