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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES!
By fred | March 26, 2009
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES
Wow, A ton of great stuff, some super info that you should read and a ton of humor, — however – better be prepared to spend a bit of time as there are 25 pages today.
Besides the humor there are some super articles about lead in lipstick – all you ladies have to read that! Also some good info on cell phones, and of course, humor from all of my buddies, – some from way down in Australia.
Just finished my taxes, painful, hate it, but had to be done.
Love ya, Uncle Fred
START – HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
> looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
> across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of
> the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
> affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety….??
> WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
> two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
> and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the
> blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
> on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (trusting little
> soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
> admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
> give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
> want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
> one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
> burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
> was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
> control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
> flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
> three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
> (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no
> possible way!’
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.. .?
> I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
> one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one
> second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.
>
> I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
> I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
> me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
> and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
> on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was
> making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture
> frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
> getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one
> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
> you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
> dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..
> A three second burst would be considered conservative?
> IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
> A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing
> at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
> and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
> mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
> feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and
> both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
> up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over
> the drooling.
> Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
> my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
> which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and
> I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
>
> P.S… My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the
> gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
> If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
NEXT
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?’
They draw straws, and Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’ make a bad situation any worse.
‘Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.’
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, ‘Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.’
‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife.
‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.
NEXT
New Stock Market Terms
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just down-graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
NEXT
‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
———————— ——————————
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
———————————–
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
———————————–
Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Joe: ‘Really?’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
———————————–
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.
‘Oops!’
———————————–
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.
———————————–
And, finally:
0A
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.
NEXT
FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
=0 A
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure..
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reve al a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But after changing gears he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
Send this to (at least) five bright, humorous people who have enough of a sense of humor to laugh at it!
NEXT
Blonde’s Cruise Ship Diary
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives…………..Twice.
NEXT
>> Subject: How’s Norma Doing ????
>> A sweet grandmother telephoned St.
>> Agnes Hospital.
>> She timidly
>> asked, ‘Is it possible to speak to someone
>> who can tell me how a patient is
>> doing?’
>>
>> The operator said, ‘I’ll be glad to help. What’s the
>> name & room number?’
>>
>> The grandmother in her weak voice said, ‘Norma
>> Findlay Room 302.’
>>
>> The operator replied, “Let me place you on
>> hold. I’ll check with her nurse.”
>>
>> After a few minutes, the
>> operator returned to the phone: “I have good news. Her nurse
just told me that Norma is doing very well.
>>
>> Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work
>> just came back as normal, and
>> Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled
>> her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
>>
>> The grandmother said, ‘Thank
>> you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried!
>> God bless you for the good news.’
>>
>> The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome.
>> Is Norma a relative?
>>
>> The grandmother said, ‘No, I’m Norma
>> Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.’
NEXT
Last week police were called to investigate an attempted armed robbery:
The 71-year-old retired Marine who opened fire on two robbers at a
Plantation, FL, Subway shop late Wednesday, killing one and critically
wounding the other, is described as John Lovell, a former helicopter pilot
for two presidents. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, he works out
every day. Mr. Lovell was a man of action Wednesday night.
According to Plantation police, two masked gunmen came into the Subway
at 1949 N. Pine Rd. just after 11 p…m. There was a lone diner, Mr. Lovell,
who was finishing his meal. After robbing the cashier, the two men
attempted to shove Mr. Lovell into a bathroom and rob him as well. They got
his money, but then Mr. Lovell pulled his handgun and opened fire. He shot
one of the thieves in the head and chest and the other in the head.
When police arrived, they found one of the men in the shop. K-9
units found the other in the bushes of a nearby business. They also found
cash strewn around the front of the sandwich shop according to Detective
Robert Rettig of the Plantation Police Department.
Both men were taken to the Broward General Medical Center , where
one, Donicio Arrindell, 22, of North Lauderdale died. The other,
21-year-old Frederick Gadson of Fort Lauderdale is in critical but stable
condition.
A longtime friend of Lovell was not surprised to hear what happened.
The friend said, ”He’d give you the shirt off his back, but he’d be mad as
hell if someone tried to take the shirt off your back.”
Mr. Lovell was a pilot in the Marine Corps, flying former Presidents
John F. Kennedy and Lyndon B… Johnson. He later worked as a pilot for Pan Am
and Delta.
He is not expected to be charged, authorities said. ”He was in fear
for his life,” Detective Rettig said. “These criminals ought to realize
that most men in their 70s have military backgrounds and aren’t
intimidated by idiots.”
Something tells me this old Marine wasn’t ‘in fear for his life,’
even though his life was definitely at risk. The only thing he could be
charged with is participating in an unfair fight. One 71-year young Marine
against two punks. Two head shots and one center body mass shot – outstanding
shooting! That’ll teach them not to get between a Marine and his food.
Don’t you just love a story with a happy ending–
DON’T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE…
NEXT
(This one is from my Aussie buddy Margaret, a wonderful gal – guess they have the same crap down there as we have in the United States – read on!)
This is so on the money
SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2008
Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun,
goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 – Schooll goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellor called in
for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins.
Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it
Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. Schooll gets extra money from state
because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car
and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,
goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers
being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2008 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state.
Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system
and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up
mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2008- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called.
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents,
siblings removed from home, computers confiscated,
Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list
and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
This should hit every e-mail inbox
to show how stupid we have become!
Think about it!
NEXT
All you girls have to read this one – bad stuff!
Something to consider
Next time you go shopping for
Lipstick……
This comes from someone
Who works in the breast cancer unit
at
Mt.Sinai Hospital , in Toronto
From: Dr. Nahid Neman
If there is a female you care anything about,
Share this with her. I did!!!!!
I am also sharing this with the males on my e-mail list,�
Because they need to tell the females
THEY care about as well!
Recently a lipstick brand called ‘Red Earth’
Decreased their prices from
$67�to�$9.90.
It contained lead.
Lead is a chemical which causes cancer.
The lipstick brands that contain lead are:
CHRISTIAN DIOR
LANCÔME
CLINIQUE
Y.S.L
ESTEE LAUDER
SHISEIDO
RED EARTH (Lip Gloss)
CHANEL (Lip Conditioner)
MARKET AMERICA-MOTNES LIPSTICK.
The higher the lead content,
The greater the chance of causing cancer.
After doing a test on lipsticks,
It was found that the Y.S.L. Lipstick
Contained the most amount of lead.
Watch out for those lipsticks
Which are supposed to stay longer.
If your lipstick stays longer, it is
Because of the higher content of lead.
Here is the test you can do yourself:
1. Put some lipstick on your hand.
2. Use a Gold ring to scratch on the lipstick.
3. If the lipstick colour changes to black,
Then you know the lipstick contains lead.
Please send this information to all your girlfriends,
Wives and female family members.
This information is being circulated at
Walter Reed Army Medical Centre
Dioxin Carcinogens cause cancer,�
Especially breast cancer
NEXT
My compliments to Google!
Just leave it up to Google to come up with something like this!!!
Here’s a number worth putting in your cell phone, or your home phone speed dial: 1-800-goog411. This is an awesome service from Google, and it’s free — great when you are on the road.
Don’t waste your money on information calls and don’t waste your time manually dialing the number. I am driving along in my car and I need to call the golf course and I don’t know the number. I hit the speed dial for information that I have programmed.
The voice at the other end says, “City & State.” I say, “Garland, Texas.” He says, “Business Name or Type of Service.” I say, “Firewheel Golf Course.” He says, “Connecting” and Firewheel answers the phone. How great is that? This is nationwide and it is absolutely free!
Click on the link below and watch the short clip for a quick demonstration.
http://www.google.com/goog411/
NEXT
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it:
FIRST
Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find
Yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an
Emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to
Establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly, this number 112
Can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.
SECOND
Have you locked your keys in the car?
Does your car have remote keyless20entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone:
If you lock your keys In the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on
Their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will
Unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object.. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other ‘remote’ for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor’s Note : It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked
Our car over a cell phone!’
THIRD
Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell phone will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you
Charge your cell phone next time.
FOURTH
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone’s serial number, key in the following Digits on your phone: *#06#. A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it
Somewhere safe.
When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won’t get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can’t use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
AND Finally….
FIFTH
Free Directory Service for Cells
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don’t have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800)FREE411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.
This is the kind of information people don’t mind receiving, so
Pass it on to your family and friends.
NEXT
Real Life Heroes
Teachers as Heroes
An essay written by an assistant principal in Ohio.
By J. Bradley:
“Where are the heroes of today?” a radio talk show host thundered.
He blames society’s shortcomings on education. Too many people are looking for heroes in all the wrong places. Movie stars and rock musicians, athletes, and models aren’t heroes; they’re celebrities.
Heroes abound in public schools, a fact that doesn’t make the news. There is no precedent for the level of violence, drugs, broken homes, child abuse, and crime in today’s America.. Education didn’t create these problems but deals with them every day.
You want heroes?
Consider Dave Sanders, the schoolteacher shot to death while trying to shield his students from two youths on a shooting rampage at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. Sanders gave his life, along with 12 students, and other less heralded heroes survived the Colorado blood bath.
You want heroes?
Jane Smith, a Fayetteville, NC teacher, was moved by the plight of one of her students, a boy dying for want of a kidney transplant. So this woman told the family of a 14-year-old boy that she would give him one of her kidneys. And she did. When they appeared together hugging on the Today Show, Katie Couric was near tears.
You want heroes?
Doris Dillon dreamed all her life of being a teacher. She not only made it, she was one of those wondrous teachers who could bring the best out of every single child. One of her fellow teachers in San Jose, Calif., said, “She could teach a rock to read.”
Suddenly she was stricken with Lou Gehrig’s Disease which is always fatal, usually within five years. She asked to stay on job … and did. When her voice was affected, she communicated by computer.
Did she go home? Absolutely not! She is running two elementary school libraries! When the disease was diagnosed, she wrote the staff and all the families that she had one last lesson to teach …. that dying is part of living. Her colleagues named her Teacher of the Year.
You want heroes?
Bob House, a teacher in Georgia, tried out for “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”. After he won the million dollars, a network film crew wanted to follow up to see how it had impacted his life. New cars? Big new house?
Instead, they found both Bob House and his wife still teaching. They explained that it was what they had always wanted to do with their lives and that would not change. The community was both stunned and grateful.
You want heroes?
Last year the average school teacher spent $468 of their own money for student necessities … workbooks, pencils .. supplies kids had to have but could not afford. That’s a lot of money from the pockets of the most poorly paid teachers in the industrial world.
Schools don’t teach values? The critics are dead wrong.
Public education provides more Sunday School teachers than any other profession.
The average teacher works
more hours in nine months
than the average 40-hour
employee does in a year.
You want heroes?
For millions of kids, the hug they get from a teacher is the only hug they will get that day because the nation is living through the worst parenting in history.
An Argyle, Texas kindergarten teacher hugs her little 5 and 6 year-olds so much that both the boys and the girls run up and hug her when they see her in the hall, at the football games, or in the malls years later.
A Michigan principal moved me to tears with the story of her attempt to rescue a badly abused little boy who doted on a stuffed animal on her desk .. one that said “I love you!” He said he’d never been told that at home. This is a constant in today’s society .. two million unwanted, unloved, abused children in the public schools, the only institution that takes them all in.
You want heroes?
Visit any special education class and watch the miracle of personal interaction, a job so difficult that fellow teachers are awed by the dedication they witness. There is a sentence from an unnamed source which says: “We have been so eager to give our children what we didn’t have that we have neglected to give them what we did have.”
What is it that our kids really need?
What do they really want?
Math, science, history, and social studies are important, but children need love, confidence, encouragement, someone to talk to, someone to listen, standards to live by. Teachers provide upright examples, the faith and assurance of responsible people.
You want heroes?
Then go down to your local school and see our real live heroes – the ones changing lives for the better each and every day!
I’d like to see this sent to all those who cut down the importance of teachers. They have no idea who a public school teacher is or what they do.
NEXT
Only in America ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America …..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America …..do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America …..do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America …..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ….
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)…in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
NEXT
Suicidal Muslims…
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let’s see now…
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No Nude Women
No car races
No football
No soccer
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No nachos
No Beer nuts
No Beer !!!!!!!!
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he’s sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can’t shave.
Your wives can’t shave.
You can’t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
NEXT
In The 1500′s
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because
the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how
things used
to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting…
20 Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
in May, and
still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the
custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men, then
the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then
the water
was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,
Don’t
throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It
was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other
small
animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became
slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the
saying
It’s raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This
posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess
up your
nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the
top
afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existenc
e.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the
saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help
keep
their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,
when you
opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood
was
placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always
hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to
the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat
the stew
for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start
over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there
for
quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold,
peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It
was a
sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut
off a
little to share with gu
ests and would all sit around and chew the
fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
content caused some of ! the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper
crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes
knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along
the road
would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid
out on
the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather
around and
eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the
custom of
holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to
bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to
a
bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out
of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they
had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the
wrist of=2
0the
corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie
it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be
saved by the
bell or was considered a dead ringer.
And that’s the truth…Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
NEXT
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly
not a ship.” As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even
the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly, there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet
suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned
Irishman and
said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a
good cigar?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a
lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
“Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d
almost
forgotten how great a smoke can be!
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Jameson’s Irish
Whiskey?” asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket
there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis
nectar of the gods!”
shouted the Irishman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus,
Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there
too!”
NEXT
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Richard grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little shit.
THE END – FOR TODAY ANYWAY – Enjoy, Uncle Fred
Topics: HUMOR FROM BUDDIES | No Comments »