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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES
By fred | April 10, 2009
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES
With the departure of one of the best friends of my life and all the sadness involved it is time to call on our buddies for a bit of ‘Humor and stuff from buddies’. Since I have been a bit remiss the last couple weeks sending this – it is a long one – so save it until you have the time.
Lots of love, Uncle Fred
START
THIS ONE COMES FROM MY SWEETHEART MARGARET IN THE DEEP ‘DOWN’ UNDER- AUSTRALIA
Duties of Wives.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from Greece .
He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Italy .
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Australian girl.
He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
God Bless Australian Women
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Dear Friends, this one may sound weird, sent to me by Dale and he was not sure about it – I did some checking on Google and there seems to be more who back the asparagus / cancer cure or preventive. Anyway, a interesting read, if you have the time do some research of the Internet. Fred
Asparagus/cancer..
Several years ago, I had a man seeking asparagus for a friend who had cancer. He gave me a photocopied copy of an article, entitled: `Asparagus for cancer’ printed in Cancer News Journal, December 1979.
I will share it here, just as it was shared with me:
‘I am a biochemist,and have specialized in the relation of diet to health for over 50 years. Several years ago, I learned of the discovery of Richard R. Vensal, D.D.S. that asparagus might cure cancer.
Since then, I have worked with him on his project. We have accumulated a number of favourable case histories.
Here are a few examples:
Case No. 1,
A man with an almost hopeless case of Hodgkin’s disease (cancer of the lymph glands) who was completely incapacitated. Within 1 year of starting the asparagus therapy, his doctors were unable to detect any signs of cancer, and he was back on a schedule ofstrenuous exercise.
Case No. 2,
A successful businessman 68 years old who suffered from cancer of the bladder for 16 years. After years of medical treatments, including radiation without improvement, he went on asparagus. Within 3 months, examinations revealed that his bladder tumor had disappeared and that his kidneys were normal.
Case No. 3,
A man who had lung cancer. On March 5th 1971, he was put on the operating table where they found lung cancer so widely spread that it was inoperable. The surgeon sewed him up and declared his case hopeless. On April 5th he heard about the asparagus therapy and immediately started taking it. By August, x-ray pictures revealed that all signs of the cancer had disappeared. He is back at his regular business routine.
Case No. 4,
A woman who was troubled for a number of years with skin cancer. She finally developed different skin cancers which were diagnosed by asking specialist as advanced. Within 3 months after starting on asparagus, her skin specialist said that her skin looked fine and no more skin lesions. This woman reported that the asparagus therapy also cured her kidney disease, which started in 1949. She had over 10 operations for kidney stones, and was receiving government disability payments for an inoperable, terminal, kidney condition. She attributes the cure of this kidney trouble entirely to the asparagus. I was not surprised at this result, as `The elements of
Materia Medica’, edited in 1854 by a Professor at the University of Pennsylvania , stated that asparagus was used as a popular remedy for kidney stones.. He even referred to experiments, in 1739, on the power of asparagus in dissolving stones.
We would have other case histories but the medical establishment has interfered with our obtaining some of the records. I am therefore appealing to readers to spread this good news and help us to gather a large number of case histories that will overwhelm the medical skeptics about this unbelievably simple and natural remedy. For the treatment, asparagus should be cooked before using, and therefore canned asparagus is just as good as fresh.
I have corresponded with the two leading canners of
asparagus, Giant Giant and Stokely, and I am satisfied that these brands contain no pesticides or preservatives.
PROCEDURE:
1) Place the cooked asparagus in a blender and liquefy to make a puree, and store in the refrigerator.
2) Give the patient 4 full tablespoons twice daily, morning and evening.
Patients usually show some improvement in from 2-4 weeks. It can be diluted with water and used as a cold or hot drink. This suggested dosage is based on present experience, but certainly larger amounts can do no harm and may be needed in some cases.
As a biochemist I am convinced of the old saying that `what cures can prevent’. Based on this theory, my wife and I have been using asparagus puree as a beverage with our meals.
We take 2 tablespoons diluted in water to suit our taste with breakfast and with dinner. I take mine hot and my wife prefers hers cold..
For years we have made it a practice to have blood surveys taken as part of our regular checkups.
The last blood survey, taken by a medical doctor who specializes in the nutritional approach to health, showed substantial improvements in all categories over the last one, and we can attribute these improvements to nothing but the asparagus drink…
As a biochemist, I have made an extensive study of all aspects of cancer, and all of the proposed cures. As a result, I am convinced that asparagus fits in better with the latest theories about cancer. Asparagus contains a good supply of protein called histones, which are believed to be active in controlling cell growth. For that reason, I believe asparagus can be said to contain a substance that I call cell growth normalizer.. That accounts for its actio n on cancer and inacting as a general body tonic. In any event, regardless of theory, asparagus used as we suggest, is a harmless substance.
The FDA cannot prevent you from using it and it may
do you much good.. It has been reported by the US National Cancer Institute, that asparagus is the highest tested food containing glutathione, which is considered one of the body’s most potent
anticarcinogens and antioxidants.
Please spread the news…
…the most unselfish act one can ever do is paying
forward all the kindness one has received even to the most undeserved person
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Two Mexican businessmen in Tijuana were sitting down
for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the
store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, ‘I bet any minute now some idiot
tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window,
and ask what we’re selling.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious Japanese tourist walks to the window,
had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked
“What you sell?”
One of the men replied sarcastically,
“We’re selling ass-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,
“You doing velly well, only two left !”
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking
at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked
what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a
day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of
Fear, the Screaming Monste Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie,
popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous
adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with herhusband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
“Well Dear, what was it like being six again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. “I meant my dress size, you retard!!!”
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
…he is gonna get it wrong.
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They’re written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words.Enjoy…….
I’ve learned…. That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I’ve learned…. That when you’re in love, it shows.
I’ve learned…. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.
I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I’ve learned…. That being kind is more important than being right.
I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I’ve learned…. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.
I’ve learned…. That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act g oofy with.
I’ve learned…. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I’ve learned…. That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I’ve learned…. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
I’ve learned…. That money doesn’t buy class.
I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I’ve learned… That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I’ve learned…. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I ‘ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I’ve learned…. That love, not time, he als all wounds.
I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I’ve learned… That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I’ve learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I’ve learned… That life is tough, but I’m tougher.
I’ve learned…. That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.
I’ve learned…. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I’ve learned…. That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I’ve learned…. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.
I’ve learned…. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
I’ve learned…. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
To all of you…. Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.
It’s National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you’ll know you have a circle of friends. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!!!!!! YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED! Now send this to every friend you have!! And to your family. This was sent to me by a friend.
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This one is really interesting —
Monopoly
Starting in 1941, increasing numbers of British airmen became unwilling guests of the Third Reich, and the Crown was looking for ways to facilitate their escape. Obviously, one of the most useful aids would have been an accurate map showing the locations of ‘safe houses’ where a POW on the lam could go for food and shelter.
Paper maps had drawbacks — they made a lot of noise when you opened and folded them, they wore out rapidly, and if they got wet, they turned to mush.
Someone in Britain’s MI-5 (similar to America’s OSS) got the idea of printing escape maps on silk. It was durable, could be scrunched up into tiny wads, and unfolded as many times as needed, and it made no noise whatsoever.
At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was only too happy to do its bit for the war effort.
By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U.K. licensee for the popular American board game, Monopoly. As it happened, ‘games and pastimes’ was a category of item qualified for insertion into ‘CARE packages’ dispatched by the International Red Cross to prisoners of war.
Under strictest secrecy in a securely guarded and inaccessible old workshop on the grounds of Waddington’s, a group of employees who had been sworn to secrecy began mass-producing escape maps keyed to each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps were. When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece. The clever workmen at Waddington’s also managed to add:
1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass
2. A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together
3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!
British and American air crews were advised before taking off on their first mission how to identify a ‘rigged’ Monopoly set: a tiny red dot cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch was located in the corner of the Free Parking square.
Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an estimated one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly sets.
Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since the British Government might want to use this highly successful ruse in another war. The story wasn’t de-classified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen from Waddington’s, as well as the firm itself, were finally honored in a public ceremony.
It’s always nice when you can play that ‘Get Out of Jail’ Free’ card!
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Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is DRT (Dead Right There).
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, ‘Well, someone
should go and tell his wife.’ Donnie says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that
sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, ‘Where did you get that beer, Donnie?’
‘Cooter’s wife gave it to me,’ Ronnie replies.
‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?’
Well, not exactly’, Donnie says, ‘When she answered the door, I said to her,
“you must be Cooter’s widow”.’
She said, ‘You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow.’
Then I said ‘I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.’
Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive stuff.
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It’s that time again… The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year’s winner was a real rocket scientist… HONESTLY! Read on…And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY!!!
And the nominees were:
Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. ‘The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,’ Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was ‘Major trauma.’
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate – was hospitalized.
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ”bright” by his peers.
And Now, for the winner of this year’s Darwin Award:
(As always, awarded posthumously):
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist… Had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the ! JATO uni t to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3. 0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable.
Epilogue: It has been calcu lated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
What a way to go
WATCH OUT THEY ARE BREEDING – THERE ARE MORE OF THEM AROUND!
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Subject: To all Staff
To: All Staff
Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown of economy in the country since last Christmas,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put
workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This
scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to
be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After
Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED or
SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme
Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED
as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS
(Additional Income for Dependants or Spouses).or HERPES
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T# (Special
High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has
always prided itself on the amount of S.H.I.T# it gives
employees. Should you feel that you do not receive
enough S.H.I.T#, please bring it to the attention of the
supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the
S.H.I.T# you can handle.
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Five (5) lessons about the way we treat people.
1 – First Important Lesson – Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:
“What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?”
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
“Absolutely,” said the professor. “In your careers,
you will meet many people. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say “hello.”
I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
name was Dorothy.
2. – Second Important Lesson – Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American
woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960′s. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a
giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
special note was attached.
It read:
“Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my
clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband’s bedside just before he passed away… God
bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
others.”
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3 – Third Important Lesson – Always remember those
who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him.
“How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked.
“Fifty cents,” replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in it.
“Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the
waitress was growing impatient.
“Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
“I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
the table and walked away The boy finished the ice
cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress
came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
were two nickels and five pennies..
You see, he couldn’ t have the sundae, because he had
to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4 – Fourth Important Lesson. – The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping! the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!
Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.
5 – Fifth Important Lesson – Giving When it Counts…
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare &serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, “Yes I’ll do it if it will
save her.” As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, “Will I start to die right away”.
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.
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The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and
food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom
is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not
think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats
can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I
beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow,
try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must
exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –
canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or
cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don’t. (2) If you don’t want their hair on your
clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture. (3) I
like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they
are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak
clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don’t
ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5)
never ask to drive the car, (6) don’t hang out with drug-using people; (7) don’t
smoke or drink, (8) don’t want to wear your clothes, (9) don’t have to buy the
latest fashions, (10) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get
pregnant, you can sell their children ..
*************************************************
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Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.)
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint…it goes like this:
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questi ons:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A- R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W- L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%!
And,
B -U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
THE END
Topics: HUMOR FROM BUDDIES | No Comments »