HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES! at Chipping from the Rough

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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES!

By fred | May 1, 2009

HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES

Dear Best Buddies,

The first two are serious (or mostly serious) reads, then the funny stuff starts for going on 15 pages – so if you want to read this it is best you reserve a few minutes to do so.

The ladies in our group will get a kick out of some ladies discussing their departed husbands, not all dearly loved by any means!

In a few days we will get back to ‘Everybody’s Danish’ – had so many of you tell me how much you enjoy reading it. Hey Gang, I have had a lot of fun writing it over the years it has been a good outlet – sort of fun as a certified old duffer reliving the days when you were young and fearless, or almost so.

Love ya all, Uncle Fred

I am afraid that this one is NOT funny, but it is something that I feel must be read by all. It relates in part to how far behind our education system is compared to the rest of the world, especially India and China. A dear friend sent it to me, it is a video put out by Sony. PLEASE LOOK AT IT!

Before we get into the humor, I think that a good read is Bill Moyer’s article about the Republican party and how it needs to get it’s act together.

QUOTE
From the Los Angeles Times
Opinion
The GOP: divorced from reality
The Republican base is behaving like a guy who just got dumped by his wife.
By Bill Maher

April 24, 2009

If conservatives don’t want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

It’s been a week now, and I still don’t know what those “tea bag” protests were about. I saw signs protesting abortion, illegal immigrants, the bank bailout and that gay guy who’s going to win “American Idol.” But it wasn’t tax day that made them crazy; it was election day. Because that’s when Republicans became what they fear most: a minority.

The conservative base is absolutely apoplectic because, because … well, nobody knows. They’re mad as hell, and they’re not going to take it anymore. Even though they’re not quite sure what “it” is. But they know they’re fed up with “it,” and that “it” has got to stop.

Here are the big issues for normal people: the war, the economy, the environment, mending fences with our enemies and allies, and the rule of law.

And here’s the list of Republican obsessions since President Obama took office: that his birth certificate is supposedly fake, he uses a teleprompter too much, he bowed to a Saudi guy, Europeans like him, he gives inappropriate gifts, his wife shamelessly flaunts her upper arms, and he shook hands with Hugo Chavez and slipped him the nuclear launch codes.

Do these sound like the concerns of a healthy, vibrant political party?

It’s sad what’s happened to the Republicans. They used to be the party of the big tent; now they’re the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially awkward group of mostly white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid.

The GOP base is convinced that Obama is going to raise their taxes, which he just lowered. But, you say, “Bill, that’s just the fringe of the Republican Party.” No, it’s not. The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, is not afraid to say publicly that thinking out loud about Texas seceding from the Union is appropriate considering that … Obama wants to raise taxes 3% on 5% of the people? I’m not sure exactly what Perry’s independent nation would look like, but I’m pretty sure it would be free of taxes and Planned Parenthood. And I would have to totally rethink my position on a border fence.

I know. It’s not about what Obama’s done. It’s what he’s planning. But you can’t be sick and tired of something someone might do.

Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota recently said she fears that Obama will build “reeducation” camps to indoctrinate young people. But Obama hasn’t made any moves toward taking anyone’s guns, and with money as tight as it is, the last thing the president wants to do is run a camp where he has to shelter and feed a bunch of fat, angry white people.

Look, I get it, “real America.” After an eight-year run of controlling the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court, this latest election has you feeling like a rejected husband. You’ve come home to find your things out on the front lawn — or at least more things than you usually keep out on the front lawn. You’re not ready to let go, but the country you love is moving on. And now you want to call it a whore and key its car.

That’s what you are, the bitter divorced guy whose country has left him — obsessing over it, haranguing it, blubbering one minute about how much you love it and vowing the next that if you cannot have it, nobody will.

But it’s been almost 100 days, and your country is not coming back to you. She’s found somebody new. And it’s a black guy.

The healthy thing to do is to just get past it and learn to cherish the memories. You’ll always have New Orleans and Abu Ghraib.

And if today’s conservatives are insulted by this, because they feel they’re better than the people who have the microphone in their party, then I say to them what I would say to moderate Muslims: Denounce your radicals. To paraphrase George W. Bush, either you’re with them or you’re embarrassed by them.

The thing that you people out of power have to remember is that the people in power are not secretly plotting against you. They don’t need to. They already beat you in public.

Bill Maher is the host of HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher.”

UNQUOTE

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ‘”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?”

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”

Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.”

The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, “Watch that wall!”

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ”

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
NEXT
THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
NEXT

Subject: BIG 10 COACHING

God’s conversation with BIG 10 coaches:

God asks Jim Tressel (Ohio State) first: ‘What do you believe?”

Jim thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, ‘I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I am lucky, but I always try to do right by my team.’

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Tressel, and offers
him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Mark Dantonio ( Michigan State ) and says, ‘What do you believe?’

Mark says, ‘I believe passion, discipline, courage, and honor are
the fundamentals of life. I, too, am lucky, but win or lose, I always try to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.’

God is greatly moved by Mark’s sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Joe Paterno: ‘And you, Joe, what do you believe?’

Joe replies, ‘I believe you’re in my seat.’

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form,
called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on
the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next
flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that
has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And a really good one for last:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

High Urinals–

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to the local
racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher
and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside
the men’s room when one of the boys came out and
told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the
boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys
up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct
the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that
he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that
she was staring the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 5th
grade.’ ‘No, ma’am’, he replied. ‘I’m riding
Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your
help.

I was out walking with my Grand daughter.
She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her
mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
Why?’ my Granddaughter asked.
Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s
dirty,and probably has germs,’ I replied.
At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked, ‘Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart.’
I was thinking quickly and said to her. ‘All Grandmas know this stuff.
It’s on the Grandma Test.
You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
‘Oh…..I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you have to be
the Grandpa”.
‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.
When you’re finished laughing, send this to another Grandma!!

And Grandpa – if you dare

> There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
> 1. He called everyone brother
> 2. He liked Gospel
> 3. He didn’t get a fair trial

> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
> Jewish:
> 1. He went into His Father’s business
> 2. He lived at home until he was 33
> 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He
> was God
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
> Italian:
> 1. He talked with His hands
> 2. He had wine with His meals
> 3. He used olive oil
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
> Californian: He never cut His hair
> 2. He walked around barefoot all the time
> 3. He started a new religion
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an
> American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature
> 2. He ate a lot of fish
> 3. He talked about the Great Spirit
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
> Irish:
> 1. He never got married.
> 2. He was always telling stories.
> 3. He loved green pastures.
>
> But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a
> woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was
> virtually no food
> 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of
> men who just didn’t get it
> 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because
> there was still work to do
>
> Can I get an AMEN!!

Be Careful Out There:

IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not.” Four is larger than two..”
We haven’t used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, “you gave me too much money.” I said, “Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.” She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”
From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open!” His reply, “I know. I already got that side.”
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us… and the scary part is that they VOTE and… they REPRODUCE !
NEXT

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.’
If you think there is good in everybody, you
haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’
God, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . . . . !

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, ‘Lord, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning’.’
‘Oh, is that so? Tell me…’ replies God.

‘Well’, says the scientist, ‘we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.’

‘Well, that’s interesting. Show Me.’

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

‘Oh no, no, no…’ interrupts God,

(I love this)

‘Get your own dirt.’
===================================================
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida,
are all excited about their decision to get married. They
go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they
pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in..

*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

*Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
*Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds .”

*Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

*Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”

*Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

*Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

*Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

*Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

*Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure.”

**Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
NEXT

To tell you the truth I am not a believer in guns, in my humble opinion the only ones that should have multi firing guns or pistols are law officers or our military. A rifle if you must hunt is O. K. but my tour of duty in the army taught me that you have to be up close, or fire a lot of bullets quickly to hit anything with a machine gun or a pistol so the sole purpose do those weapons is to kill another human being. Our nation’s founders won our nation’s independence with a rifle so that should be the only legal weapon. That said, I tend to agree with the Texas judge – so I am two faced what can I do. Fred

A TRUE STORY FROM….
“THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER”
IN HOUSTON, TEXAS
MARCH 5th, 2009
~
Last Thursday Night Around Midnight,
A Woman From Houston, Texas Was Arrested,
Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter
For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back
As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.
~
The Following Monday Morning,
The Woman Was Called In Front Of The
Arraignment Judge, Sworn In,
And Asked To Explain Her Actions.
~
The Woman Replied,
“I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop
For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The
Bus To Take Me Home After Work.
I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe…
~
I Was There Alone,
So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol,
That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung
Over My Left Shoulder.
~
All Of A Sudden I Was Being
Spun Around Hard To My Left.
As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man
Running Away From Me With My Purse.
~
I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw
That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly
Around My Pistol.
The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud,
“No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My
Pay Check And Tips.”
~
I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol
At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse,
And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!
~
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge,
“Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
~
The Woman Replied Under Oath,
“Because, When I Pulled The Trigger Of
My Pistol The 7th Time, It Only Went Click.”
~
The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges.
And She Was Back At Work,
At The Cafe, The Next Day!
Now that’s Gun Control….