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GETTING OLD! ACT YOUR AGE – OR SO THEY TELL ME!
By fred | May 22, 2009
GETTING OLD!
When Doug, the head honcho of Investment Systems, set up my Chipping from the rough! BLOG he said I could do anything I want, whenever it pleased me. So – I am going to exercise that right by having a discussion about this crap of getting old.
To start with – I would outlaw the practice of getting old if I could, however at almost 80 years of age I am already old, and not allowed to mess with the rules. Doesn’t quite seem fair because at my age it would seem like I will be seeing Him sooner than others so it only seems fair the Big Honcho in the Sky would listen to me.
What brought this on was another visit to my doctor, Doctor Douglas Wynne, Doug besides being a good buddy for well over 15 years is what they call an Internist – I think that’s what you call him – a doctor that studies all your internal organs. Over the years I have learned to respect his judgment and in our discussions at his office once he has fixed whatever problem I am in for at the time – range far and wide.
Doug loves reading historical stuff, so I screen books I have read and if I think it fits in Doug’s range, he gets it. Doug Wynne is one of those doctors that can drive you fruitcake, I will walk in and say my ankle hurts or something, he will then look at my back or some other part of my massive frame and determine that is what he will fix. Somehow he always gets it right; weird how the human body can hurt one place and the problem is someplace else. Fortunately there are doctors like Doug that know all that stuff.
For all of you old buddies that just might need a lot more of your doctor’s attention because you are a certified old fart now, here is a few tricks to get that attention. So listen up!
I remember telling one of my buddies that I buy a $16 or $20 – huge can of Belgium chocolate cookies and drop it off at doc’s office each year at Christmas, enough for his nurse, Hillary, Carol his receptionist and Doug for a month of coffee breaks. Also once of twice a year I select a lovely brooch, bracelet, necklace which at the wholesales prices I buy at – costs me only a few bucks but would cost a person $10 or $20 bucks in a store, I give one to each of the girls in Doug’s office, Hilary & Carol.
My buddy said, you are stupid why lay out another $40 or $50 bucks a year? Let me tell you what it gets me. If I need to see my Doctor, and I call Carol for an appointment, as a normal patient I would likely have to wait up to a week to see Doug. HOWEVER, since I am a buddy, a considerate buddy that makes sure her tummy has some nice cookies for a month or so – and that a lovely earring set may at that moment in time be hanging from her ears – somehow or other – I always seem to get in that day or the day after. When Doug’s head nurse Hilary gets me in her clutches I am treated like a prize, carefully checked. Doug likely spends far more time with me that with his normal patients, I know that, of course, often the subjects range far from my health – still I get top treatment.
So what am I saying? For an extra $40 or $50 bucks in little gifts, stuff a normal patient would not do for their doctor and staff – Uncle Fred is now family – when family needs help he gets it in spades! At 79 going on 80 whom do I want as family? Who do you need? Who is going to help when you need help? You got it!– my doctor and his staff! If I was you, I would think about that,– maybe a small gift, a box of cookies not just at Christmas, just any time. Do you think the doctor and his staff will forget that small kindness? – They won’t — and you will have their attention far more than just a normal patient walking in the door. Listen to your old buddy, follow the rule and you may live a lot longer.
Back to getting old – it is a pain in the ass, in my case a bit further up than my butt -as my back is a mess. Soon you will read how it got that way; yes it dates way back to Trinity Lutheran School, my lifetime hate.
If I was to discuss my entire physical history and current problems it would take a lot longer than I am going to spend writing today. Lets just say an accumulation of after effects of heart surgery, prostrate cancer surgery, gale bladder surgery, shoulder replacement surgery and (not looking forward to prospective surgery for both knees, back, wriest, hernia, sleep acme, etc, etc, give Doug ample areas to work on.
This time I was bitching about my back again, my front and back planter areas around the house are not in keeping with the excellent yards of my neighbors, however when I attempt to work out there my back kills me, and when I get tired, lean over to pick up weeds like a very old car, my carburetor may leak a bit. I have been lucky as most old farts like me that had a prostrate cancer operation leak constantly, like babies. Not me, I worked my butt off doing exercises so it would not happen. It sorely affects my masculine pride to leak like a baby, I am not a baby – I am a grown man. Anyway, I am bitching to my buddy Doc Wynne and he looks a bit pissed.
“Fred, you gotta act your age, and in that case it means you do not pull weeds, you do not do stoop labor. You are doing well for your age, you are handling all your problems well, the problem with you is that you have a young mind in an old body, you have to understand that, and live with that.” Doug went on and on in his vein. I was not going to get any sympathy from him. He and I both agree that surgery on my knees and back is something I should try and postpone for as long as possible.
So, I am thinking, maybe I can take my old weed whacker or grass edger and see if it works. I haven’t used it for ages as we have a super guy doing our grass areas, only Ian does not do anything else, only grass. Anyway, if I can stand and hit the weeds with the whacker grass edger and keep em low enough, the neighbors will not think I have any weeds, hopefully their old eyes are not to keen enough, although two of my good buddies here, Gary and Jimmy have eyes like hawks – we shall see.
There are decided advantages to being a certified old fart like me. One – is you can say most anything and get away with it, you can screw us, forget stuff and where folks may not be quite so forgiving of a younger person, they say – or think – “Oh well, Fred is old, doesn’t always know which end is up.” The fact I realize this, of course is a decided advantage, so sometimes I can get away with murder so to speak.
The bad part of being so old is that you are so damn fragile, everything aches. I have arthritis in all my joints, so whenever the weather changes body parts start to ache. The back aches all the time, like a toothache that will not go away, but a wriest, an elbow, a shoulder that normally gives me no trouble will start to raise hell with me. Getting up in the morning is a bitch.
Sally, my bride of 59 years with all of her problems, almost leaps out of bed. Now I am not too sure if it is because she wants to get up in the morning for that first cup of coffee or if it is her trying to escape the sleep apnea machine and mask I must wear each night. The machine revs up and can be quite noisy when it does so, –so to sleep, many a night Sally has to pop sleeping pills. I have told her that maybe I should try and put a cot in my office although with all my eBay jewelry boxes I have no idea how we could do that. Sally says no way, or words to that effect – she says she has had me in her bed for 59 years and come hell or high water will keep me there until one of us departs. Of course, if there was a gun in the house, some nights I would likely, by her actions, with said gun, depart the soonest when the damn machine ‘ramps up’ – just one of the delights of getting old.
If I don’t get up by 8 A. M. Sally usually opens the door to our bedroom and lets our cat Nina in. Nina does not take prisoners, Nina gets me up, either by sticking her wet nose in my face, rearranging my hair or standing on me making bread, all of which seldom will stop until she has me getting out of bed.
One of my best buddies yesterday had the guts to tell me he swam 50 laps in his club pool. He is telling me that he is getting old (this is a fact the bastard is only a year younger than me) BUT will not let it get to him; will not give in to it. Damn, he can piss me off, like I am giving in to something against my will. On second thoughts, I am jealous as can be, 50 laps when you are approaching 80 is something to be proud of, I likely would have told him so, but since he pissed me off I will refrain from complimenting him on that.
I have no idea what I am doing here, the bottom of my computer screen says three pages, and all I was going to do is write a few paragraphs about getting old. Oh well, most of you, especially the younger ones will let me get away with it. Just an old, very old man rambling on and on and on, not really saying anything important.
To conclude (something most of you have been waiting for through three long pages) the thing I hate most, after weighting the pros an cons of being old is the feeling of being so fragile, I take that back, KNOWING, you are so fragile.
You think back – you remember the days when you played football, tearing into a guy with a solid block or tackle. When running with the ball and a couple guys came at you – driving into them for a few more yards. Then you would bounce back up and in seconds we ready to go again. NOW, if I did that they would have to start digging a hole right there at that spot, in the middle of the football field, to dump me in – as I would certainly not make it further, or get up again for that matter.
Hopefully as my buddy Doctor Douglas Wynne says – I will learn to act my age. I try to stand up straight when my back says to bend over, cause that feels better, but as my buddy Ed says ya can’t give in to his old age crap. I will try! I know many of you getting this, friends I have had all my life, some going on 70 years, will have their own stories and so to all of you – remember!
ACT YOUR AGE, TAKE IT EASY, DO NOT LISTEN TO MY BUDDY EDDIE – TAKE IT EASY, RELAX, AND FOR HEAVENS SAKE – DO NOT SWIM 50 LAPS!
Love ya all, Fred
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