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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES
By fred | June 4, 2009
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES
Dear Friends & Family,
It has been a busy, if not particularly fun week. First off, in a rush to drive my car out of the garage I “again” broke the right side view mirror on my car. This is the second time in two years I have done that. Why am I pissed at myself? It cost $370 dollars to get it fixed by the Toyota dealer. I did find a shop that said they will do it for $219, so—I am hoping it looks and works good, that they do a decent job – we shall have to see.
Problem is we have one of those homes with two separate garage doors. Since in retirement we only have one car I use the other side where the other door is for storage of my eBay jewelry store packing material etc. and everything else Sally and I have accumulated over 60 years of marriage, all those “treasures “ that you cannot throw away BUT have no room for in the house.
The side with the car I have loaded with junk on the sides, have to admit it – mostly just junk like garden stuff, etc, etc, — then when I drive in I have to squeeze the car over to the right side to try and leave an isle for taking our trash barrels out each Monday for pickup. I DID promise Sally when the car is fixed this week that I will clean up the car side at least so there is more than a few inches between the side of the garage door and our car when I go in and out.
Money in this time of life is not in plentiful supply, not if you would like to leave the kids (50 year olds can – I still call em kids??) something when you kick off. So – to do this really ticked me off big time.
I am also in the dog house with Sally cause I have been buying quite a bit of jewelry. Why?? Cause no one else is – or few are. Like the last liquidation auction, where Sally finally put her foot down and I promised no more buying for a couple months at least. They had those big faced, ICE designer watches – 25 of them starting at $100.00 all 2009 models, latest designer faces etc. Well, I wanted to get into men’s stuff, yes these are not for all men, you have to be a big guy to wear a watch with a face that is two inches wide and loaded with gem cut crystal stones, still they are popular and sell well. It was the holiday weekend so none of the dealers seemed to be bidding and the auction has a bit over one hour to go. So— needing them like a hole in the head – I bid $151.00, the bids finally started coming in and follow up to $150 before the bidding was over. My one buck got the watches for me. With odds and ends they add on plus freight they will cost about $8 each, should sell well – HOPEFULLY – at $25 or more, we shall see.
I have had to borrow quite a few hundred from our savings for my buying the past month, however as I tried to tell my sweety pie, love of my life for the past 60 years, Sally, I am now loaded and ready for bear (sales). Of course – BEAR – (good sales) have not been around lately. I guess it is like the stock market. The big money is usually made by the men that have faith, faith in the United States and many of the solid companies that have been with us for years. They buy when the stocks are down, like many of them are now. If you can buy a solid company now for less than half, often just ten or twenty percent of what it was a year ago, a company still making a few dollars, don’t have to be top earnings, heck everyone is hurting now, you should buy a few shares – that’s what the smart money does.
I guess I feel the same about ladies jewelry, or men’s in the case of the ICE watches. They may be watching their pennies now, but they still love to dress and look nice. A lovely pair of earrings, a sparkling bracelet, a lovely necklace and pendant, watch, since time began, ladies and men like to dress up. Have a bit of flash on em, so— your old Uncle Fred is gonna be waiting like a shark with a lovely eBay store loaded for bear.
So that is what has kept your old buddy busy lately. That and I don’t always have as much poop as I used to, guess all of us that have lived most of 80 years start to feel the years.
Back to humor & stuff for buddies –
First, one of my best buddies sent an article about Rush Limbaugh, the guy is a real nut case. I have a few friends that are still Republicans, a few, but not as many as before Bush was elected. Seems to have eroded the Republicans a bit, to be factual, Mr. Bush and his buddies, raping the nation seem to have been the biggest factor in the emergence of the Democratic party.
We got rid of Bush, however if I was a Republican the next one I would get rid of is a guy called Rush Limbaugh. Hopefully they do not get rid of him because every time he opens his mouth he makes more Democrats. I debated including this article but finally decided to leave it in. If in reading it you become as pissed off at this guy as I was, just scroll down to the other stuff the jokes, etc.
There are some really intelligent nice folks that are Republicans one of my best buddies is, his party needs this guy like they need to be kicked by a mule.
I could never put in all the hundreds of stories, jokes, humor all of you send. I have a lot of wonderful friends, I thank God for all of the wonderful buddies I have accumulated, BUT, there is way too much stuff for a send.
So – BEFORE Rush and his big, big filthy mouth – let’s read a favorite of mine, they say it was written by a 90 year old lady, I think you will love her rules for living at an elderly age since most of you getting this are like your buddy Fred. A bit weathered – but still full of piss and vinegar!
AND GIRLS, if you don’t have the time to read this whole thing – scroll to the very last one, sent by a good buddy, Margaret, she lives in Australia – you will love that one – men may not but the girls sure will.
Gotta run, have fun, Uncle Fred
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Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of ‘The Plain Dealer’, Cleveland, Ohio
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more: 1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone…
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. Its OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. Its OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relations hip has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
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Rush Limbaugh’s race to the bottom
Bend over, grab your ankles and submit to a mind-blowing rundown of the radio bully’s obsessive butt talk!
By Gabriel Winant
May. 21, 2009 |
Critics say that Rush Limbaugh likes to talk out of his ass. But that’s only half the story: Rush can’t stop talking about butt, either. It’s too bad that Sigmund Freud’s long dead, because Rush is the old shrink’s dream patient, with an obvious diagnosis: Limbaugh has an anal fixation.
Rush is riding high; on Wednesday he made headlines with a faux-resignation as head of the Republican Party, handing the reins over to nemesis Colin Powell. But even as his power in the party grows, El Rushbo remains fixated on political humiliation — his, and other people’s — and it’s amazing how frequently such humiliation focuses on the hind quarters.
Last week, Limbaugh lamented that President Obama will likely get away with destroying the economy, because “he’s being followed around by a bunch of sycophants who are going to die of anal poisoning” — a disease that Google suggests Limbaugh himself invented. Most notoriously, the talk radio king complained in January: “We are being told that we have to hope [Obama] succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles, bend over forward, backward, whichever, because his father was black, because this is the first black president.”
Limbaugh’s tuchis talk is so constant, it doesn’t seem to be just the joking around of a clown. (Is it mere coincidence that he got out of serving in Vietnam because of an anal cyst?) When he talks so vividly about being, well, taken by the president, there has to be a little psychosexual stuff going on. Anal rape jokes, in particular, are a running theme for Limbaugh. In fact, they’re one of his favorite ways of describing acquiescence or obedience. Note the recurring racial theme.
• When gay activists called for a boycott of Colorado in the early 1990s, Denver Mayor Wellington Webb came to New York to seek the support of his fellow African-American city chief, Mayor David Dinkins. Limbaugh saw Dinkins being pulled in two directions: “And the question is should he bend over forward and grab the ankles for this narrow special interest group or should he remain in solidarity with his black bro?”
• In the run-up to New Jersey’s 1993 gubernatorial election, Limbaugh said that the only people who’d vote for Democrat Jim Florio were those willing to “bend over, grab their ankles” and accept new taxes.
• The Clinton administration’s proposal for healthcare reform was a command, as Limbaugh wrote, to “Bend over, America.”
• When Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman sought to court African-American votes by apologizing for his party’s past, Limbaugh grumbled, “Republicans are going to go bend over and grab the ankles.”
• Three years later, he accused Democrats of being submissive to black and gay voters. “Democrats will bend over, grab the ankles, and say, ‘Have your way with me,’ for 10 percent and 2 percent of the population?”
Occasionally, though, someone shows the proper defiance.
• When Sarah Palin refused to cooperate with investigations of Troopergate, Rush glowed approvingly: “She didn’t bend over and let them have their way.”
And those who do willingly submit get nothing but contempt from Limbaugh. A favored term of abuse for these is “butt boy.”
• CNN’s Ed Henry is Obama’s “butt boy,” but ABC’s Jake Tapper, to his credit, is not.
• NBC’s Andrea Mitchell, somewhat confusingly, is the “butt boy” to Rep. Barney Frank.
Of course, bending over has its risks. As we saw last week with his reference to Obama sycophants, Limbaugh has a very specific formulation for what you can catch from too much of it.
• Democratic honcho Terry McAuliffe, Limbaugh warned, “will die of anal poisoning because he is so close to drilling Hillary [Clinton].”
• Key John McCain ally Sen. Lindsey Graham “is certainly close enough to [McCain] to die of anal poisoning.”
• And if British Prime Minister Gordon Brown continues “slobbering” over Obama, he’ll “come down with anal poisoning and die from it.”
That’s probably why Limbaugh is so wary of bending over himself. He’s told us so many times:
• “I have a very sensitive rear end because I am a sensitive guy.”
• “I never bend over forward in public, especially in these times.”
• “I dropped something, is what the confusion is here and I — in — in New York City I never bend over forward. And — so — in public. So I needed somebody to come pick it up for me.”
• “I seldom bend over forward in public, for obvious reasons.”
Still, sometimes it’s nearly impossible for a public figure to avoid being probed anally.
• When Adm. Bobby Ray Inman didn’t want to take an administration job, Limbaugh sympathized. “He — he decided not to undergo the congressional and media rectal exam that being nominated for a Cabinet post — that’s what this is, folks. Somebody’s got something somewhere that he just doesn’t want probed.”
• The 1996 Republican nominee was bound to get “the biggest … rectal exam.”
Limbaugh even thinks anal rape is funny when it’s no joke. He’s played testimony from a rape trial just for laughs; here he is talking about a rape victim:
LIMBAUGH: Now she’s on the stand in our first video clip here trying to explain when this happened. I think she got raped or some such thing like that, and — and she’s trying to explain to the jury and the judge and all the lawyers, everybody in court, how it happens. And — well, just watch. It speaks for itself.
Unidentified Woman: He lifted my nightgown and he put his finger in my rectum …
Falls forward
Laughter
Unidentified Voice: … unintelligible
End of excerpt; laughter
LIMBAUGH: I’m so — I’m so — I’m trying not to laugh, as you can see …
Trying not to laugh at that — well, aren’t we all? But no wonder he thinks anal rape can be funny. The only part of a woman Limbaugh seems to be able to see is her badonkadonk.
• In 1993, his crew adjusted a studio camera as he said of a woman in the audience, “There she is, from the rear. That’s as much as you’ll ever see of her, ladies and gentlemen. She wants it that way.”
• Apparently flirting, Limbaugh told a female guest in 1996, “I recognized you from behind.”
• In one particularly notorious comment, Limbaugh — who popularized the word “feminazi” — said, “I love the women’s movement. Especially when I’m walking behind it.”
That’s a ton of junk to come out of one trunk, even an oversize one. Rush’s stream of caboose comments reads like fiction, as if he were a character from “Portnoy’s Complaint.” But as Limbaugh himself says, “We don’t make anything up here, folks. We don’t have to. Philip Roth, the great novelist — he says, ‘I’m going to stop writing novels. I can’t make up anything more weird than real life.’”
By Gabriel Winant
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Andy Rooney says:
I don’t believe in Santa Claus, but I’m not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don’t agree with Darwin , but I didn’t go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his Theory of Evolution.
Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game. So what’s the big deal? It’s not like somebody is up there reading the entire Book of Acts. They’re just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.
But it’s a Christian prayer, some will argue.
Yes, and this is the United States of America , a country founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect — somebody chanting Hare Krishna?
If I went to a football game in Jerusalem , I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.
If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad , I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.
If I went to a ping pong match in China , I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.
And I wouldn’t be offended. It wouldn’t bother me one bit.
When in Rome …..
But what about the atheists? Is another argument.
What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We’re not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that’s asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!
Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do.. I don’t think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world’s foundations.
Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.
God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me.
The silent majority has been silent too long. It’s time we tell that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority doesn’t care what they want. It is time that the majority
Rules! It’s time we tell them, You don’t have to pray; you don’t have to say the Pledge of Allegiance; you don’t have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right; but by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back, and we WILL WIN!
God bless us one and all … Especially those who denounce Him , God bless America, despite all her faults. She is still the greatest nation of all. God bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.
Let’s make 2009 the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions . And our military forces come home from all the wars.
Keep looking up.
If you agree with this, please pass it on AS I DID.
If not delete it.
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WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir.’
The driver says, ‘Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating..’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did .’
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Damit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writin g out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’
‘Only when he’s been drinking.’
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Subject: English???
English from Around the World
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor’s office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel near a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.
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Comments made in the year 1955!
(That’s only 54 years ago!)
‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible
To buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.
‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won’t be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.
‘If cigarettes keep going up in price,
I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?
‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00,
Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. ‘
‘When I first started driving,
Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon..
Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more..
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .
‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.
‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now.
‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays…
I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
To watch their kids so they can both work.
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.
‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
‘There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend,
It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
‘No one can afford to be sick anymore,
At $35.00 a day in the hospital it’s too rich for my blood.’
‘If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.’
Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on!
Be sure and send it to your kids and grandkids too!
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I was at a deck party awhile back, and the bugs were having a ball biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons disappeared. The next year I filled a 4-ounce spray bottle and used it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes. And voila! That worked as well.. It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the food table, the children’s swing area, and the standing water nearby. During the summer, I don’t leave home without it…..Pass it on.
OUR FRIEND’S COMMENTS: I tried this on my deck and around all of my doors..
It works – in fact, it killed them instantly. I bought my bottle from Target and it
Cost me $1.89. It really doesn’t take much, and it is a big bottle, too; so it is not
As expensive to use as the can of Bug-spray you buy that doesn’t last 30 minutes.
So, try this, please. It will last a couple of days. Don’t spray directly on a wood
Door (like your front door), but spray around the frame. Spray around the window
Frames, and even inside the dog house.
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Take The Following Quiz
> ========================
>
> Take the following quiz.
>
> You don’t need a pen, pencil or paper.
>
> 1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
> 2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
> 3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
> 4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize. 5. Name
> the last half dozen Academy Award winners for Best
> Actor and Actress.
> 6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series Winners.
>
> How did you do?
>
>
> THE LESSON
>
> NONE of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
>
> There are no second-rate achievers on the above quiz.
> They are the best in their fields.
>
> But the applause dies.
> Awards tarnish.
> Achievements are forgotten.
> Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
>
> Now here’s another quiz.
>
> See how you do on this one:
>
> 1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school. 2.
> Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult
> time.
> 3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile. 4.
> Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated
> and special.
> 5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
> 6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
>
> Wasn’t that a lot easier?
>
> The lesson?
>
> The people who make a difference in your life aren’t the ones with the
> most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
>
> They’re the ones who care enough to spend personal time and effort for
> you.
>
> Take a minute to send this to a friend,
>
> Or do you have to go accept an award?
>
NEXT
> ‘They’re standing on the corner and
> they can’t speak English.
> I can’t even talk the way these
> people talk:
> Why you ain’t,
> Where you is,
> What he drive,
> Where he stay,
> Where he work,
> Who you be…..
> And I blamed the kid until I heard
> the mother talk.
> And then I heard the father talk.
> Everybody knows it’s important to
> speak English except these knuckleheads. You can’t be a doctor with
> that kind of crap coming out of your mouth
> In fact you will never get any kind
> of job making a decent living.
> People marched and were hit in the
> face with rocks to get an Education, and now we’ve got these
> knuckleheads walking around.
> The lower economic people are not
> holding up their end in this deal..
> These people are not parenting.
> They are buying things for kids.
> $500 sneakers for what?
> And they won’t spend $200 for
> Hooked on Phonics.
> I am talking about these people who
> cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
> Where were you when he was 2?
> Where were you when he was 12?
> Where were you when he was 18 and
> how come you didn’t know that he had a pistol?
> And where is the father? Or who is
> his father?
> People putting their clothes on
> backward:
> Isn’t that a sign of something gone
> wrong?
> People with their hats on backward,
> pants down around the crack, isn’t that a sign of something?
> Isn’t it a sign of something when
> she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles
> [piercing] going through her body?
> What part of Africa did this come
> from??
> We are not Africans. Those people
> are not Africans; they don’t know a thing about Africa …..
> I say this all of the time. It
> would be like white people saying they are European-American.
> That is totally stupid.
> I was born here, and so were my
> parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents..
> I don’t have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans
> have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the
> Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black
> Americans as regards to Africa So stop, already! ! !
> With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua
> and Mohammed and all of that crap . and all of them are in jail.
> Brown or black versus the Board of
> Education is no longer the white person’s problem.
> We have got to take the
> neighborhood back
> People used to be ashamed.. Today a
> woman has eight children with eight different ‘husbands’ — or men
> or whatever you call them now.
> We have millionaire football
> players who cannot read.
> We have million-dollar basketball
> players who can’t write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to
> do a better job.
> Someone working at Wal-Mart with
> seven kids, you are hurting us.
> We have to start holding each other
> to a higher standard.
> We cannot blame the white people
> any longer.’
> Dr. William Henry ‘Bill’ Cosby,
> Jr., Ed.D
> WELL SAID, BILL
> It’s NOT about color… It’s about
> behavior!!!
>
> PASS THIS ON AROUND THE WORLD!!!!!!
NEXT
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills
with not enough money.
In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.
Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time–no emailing.
Each man must also
take each child to a doctor’s appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.
He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.
He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.
The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.
The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.
During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.
They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.
They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child’s birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor’s name.
Also the child’s weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child’s favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.
The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if…
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment’s notice.
If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!
After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you
think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can
handle it.
Just don’t send it back to me…. I’m going to bed.
Topics: HUMOR FROM BUDDIES | No Comments »