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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES (And Uncle Fred sounding off!)
By fred | June 13, 2009
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES
FIRST A FEW COMMENTS ABOUT CHEAPNESS OF SPIRIT
I am highly pissed off – so you get the fun of reading why!
Today was our annual meeting of our Corona Court Homeowners Association, something I ‘do not’ look forward to each year.
This year will be my last meeting, – next year I will pass. I have had it up to here with cheap, inconsiderate – small in spirit folks. We have some super folks living here, we also have a fist full of very inconsiderate folks that piss me off greatly – and they are the problem.
Why will I not be attending anymore yearly meetings? Well, I guess it is my frustration with people. We have a board of directors of five absolutely – superior individuals, four men and a woman. All highly educated, honest, and dedicated. They spend hundreds of hours for free. BUT, they, our board of directors, cannot spend more than $1,000 on most anything without the approval of the 36 homeowners, – is this dumb, or is it dumb! So you have lazy, ill equipped, ‘let the other guy do it folks’ folks that once a year want to micro manage penny anti spending. I AM ONE OF THE LET THE OTHER GUYS DO IT, — DIFFERENCE – IS I BELIEVE IN SUPPORTING THE DECISIONS OF THE “DOERS.” Why the board does not walk out I have no idea.
We have a clubhouse WITH OUT a TV, who ever heard of a clubhouse without a TV set? Every club house has a TV! I have talked to a bunch of folks that have club houses in their housing groups, condos, homeowner groups, ALL clubhouses have TV’s some have several. So a bunch of guys or ladies whatever, wanting to enjoy each others company to watch a football game, baseball game, national event, or sporting event together, maybe have a beer and popcorn watching the game – can’t do it in our club house – this is nuts! We had 16 votes for it, and 15 against and five that did not vote so by some stupid rules, the five not voting count as no votes. Money???? There is plenty of money in the treasury, just a bunch of mean spirited, small minded folks that because they may not want to do something with others, enjoy each others company like that – would deny those that do – the pleasure of each others company.
Several ladies that I liked very much voted against it, made me sick —so – I walked out.
The doctors have said a number times to me, “Fred, stay away from stress!” Nothing creates stress in me more than cheapness in people, – be it in spirit – whatever – in people, so from now on – no more yearly meetings, let them sit and continue their penny pinching ways. I would love to have been with a group of our super neighbors, the good guys and gals, together watching a big game – however it is not to be.
I am afraid what will happen is that the present board will get tired of it all and quit, then our cheapskates homeowners will have to pay big time for professional management. Ha! Then they will be yelling.
At my age of almost 80, and many of those voting against stuff that would be fun for others – are in my age group, maybe a bit younger, my question is – what are they voting against? Others doing something, having some fun? How many years do folks have to enjoy each other? So are they going to pull every dollar into the grave with them? AND it is not their money, they cannot use the money, it is the association’s money.
To me that says – they are mean spirited, when you deny someone else pleasure – when it does not harm you or your pocket book in any way – that is being “mean spirited” I have no idea what else you would call it.
To me these folks are not nice, not neighborly, as the kids say “It sucks!”
I send my writings, Humor and Stuff, BLOG writings, etc, to a few neighbors that are friends, – to bad I would love to run off a copy of these comments and post them on the outside bulletin board at the clubhouse – so all the cheapies could see it, as I just don’t give a damn anymore, Sally would kill me if I did, so will hope all the cheapies in the neighborhood that don’t already know my feelings get them somehow or other. NOTE to Best Buddies here in Corona Court – YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO PRINT THIS OFF ANYTIME YOU WANT!
Sure is nice being old sometimes, you can sound off and folks will say, “Oh, it is just an old fart sounding off!” The older I get the less time I wish to spend with small in spirit folks – unfortunately – we have a few homeowners in our association I consider as such. Unfortunately there are enough of them to destroy the fun of the rest. Oh well, that’s life.
ALWAYS WONDERED
A few of you are old, very old buddies dating way, way back almost sixty years since high school, one Dale Martinusen even pre dates that, we went to Sunday school as kids.
In my elder years I started to write, before that all I ever wrote was thousands upon thousands of business letters. One of the courses I took in business at U. S. C. was business correspondence. Big difference writing a business letter and a humorous or fiction book – big, big, big difference. The first book I ever wrote is likely longer than ‘War & Peace’. There was never a chapter index, just chapter after chapter. I wanted all of my old classmates included (I was president of my S-47 class of 330 odd students) – so trying to include hundreds of names in a book as characters does not make for a book that can be followed easy by others than those that lived those days with us in high school.
Someday I will get into what motivated the book. Called it ‘Poly High & Number 11’ my old high school football jersey number was ‘11’. I printed off 100 copies at a cost of around $1,100 dollars and gave them away. Sally said that if my writing career continued we would be broke. The Poly Alumni association wanted to sell them and so we printed off a hundred or two more and sold them to members for $20 as a fund raiser.
After that I wrote ‘Soda Pop Soldiers’ – one of my friends of a lifetime Beverly Lampshire came up with the name. About my years of active duty in the army – only I took all of my high school friends with me in a wild humorous adventure – writing is great you can pretend anything. Again, I printed off a hundred and gave them away, Sally said that would be the end of my writing career or we really would be broke in retirement.
All of my family and friends said how much they enjoyed it – Ha; can you trust a friend – or family?? Would they say it stinks -?? So what is the truth?? Always wondered if someone that was not family or a friend would like it. So— a few weeks ago I put it in my eBay store, priced it as an e-book for $1.00. A guy purchased it, – sent it to him explaining that I hope he would tell me after reading it if he liked it. Just got back his comments, said he would read and pay for my stuff anytime. Wow! That made me feel good – sent him my last book ‘Innocent indiscretions’ free as a bonus.
“Innocent indiscretions’ is the last book I wrote a take off on Soda Pop Soldiers, I wrote it because a book agent said that Soda Pop Soldiers needed a triangle of two guys and a gal or two gals and a guy and that I should load it up with sex, he said sex sells – then send it back to him for his evaluation. Try and write about real sex when you come from a period of time where great sex before marriage was a few kisses at the front door.
After a million trials I did it, took me almost six months – I truly believe that it would be a best seller if ever published, just my opinion – a proud author’s opinion. The daughter of a high school buddy, a former English teacher, went over it for errors, did a lot of corrections and commented that it would likely need more before publishing but that she felt it was ready to send back to the agent. Did that but a few weeks later it was returned by the guy’s wife saying the agent died. THAT was my last book, fiction book. I am not sure I should try and sell it on eBay because they may think it is too wild. It is certainly not pornography, a super love story, but real love making – not some phony stuff.
Anyway, if any of you know anyone that knows a publisher let me know. My departed buddy’s daughter said she thought it would be a fantastic movie or TV series. So I am throwing it in here, if anyone wants to read it – send me an e-mail and I will send it back as an e-book via an insert. Would love your comments.
Yes, I did write ‘Making money is simple – just boring!’ and it sold hundreds of copies, mainly by the efforts of Investing Systems of Florida, the folks that I worked for when I did my monthly stock research letter. My BLOG is still sponsored by them. But – there is a big difference in writing business and fiction. I love writing fiction, humorous fiction, can sit here dreaming up wild stuff, have a ball. Not so with business writing where folks are investing, putting up their money on your writings – that is serious stuff, at least I always felt the weight of it. I give away Making Money free now via e-Book inserts now to those that join my BLOG, or anyone for that matter, just ask. The method of making money described will always be correct, based on buy low / sell higher.
Hey, all of you getting this letter are friends, those I consider friends, any book I wrote and you want to read, just send an e-mail and I will send it off as an insert.
O. K. lets get into Humor & Stuff from Buddies – BUT first I want to include something I got from one of my neighbors, a neighbor that I think an awful lot of – NOTHING small minded about Kelly – it is an apology – I looked at it for the longest time when I got it, – and then slowly the realization came over me that I fully agreed with it – you may not, —we all have our consciences to consider – read it and think about it – Thanks Kelly for your thoughtful remarks.
PS As usual I only put in about 10% of the stuff I received, not even that, sorry this send is long enough. Be good boys and girls – we will get back to ‘Everybody’s Danish’ in the next few days. Fred
President Osama’s speech on June 3 was good but I don’t think it went far
Enough. People of all faiths, Christian, Muslin, Jewish and others believe
That we should avoid wronging others. And when we do wrong others, these
same faiths require that we apologize for our actions. As a result of 9/11,
Americans and our President were understandably and justifiably mad as hell.
But that did not give us the right or obligation to attack another country,
Iraq, that was not involved in 9/11. So, on behalf of America and George W.
Bush, I would like to apologize to the 4000+ servicemen and women who gave
their lives in the unnecessary Iraq War and also to the thousands who were
injured. I would also like to apologize to the 100,000 or so Iraqis who
lost their lives in the invasion and occupation. I would also like to
Apologize to the families and friends of all of the aforementioned for their
Losses. Some would say that this was not an occupation, but since it was
A direct result of the invasion, this is a difficult sell. I think that
People of good will and of all faiths would join me in this apology.
START
Phil another of our endless supply of old Poly High buddies sent this one, and I love it. Fred
OLDER THAN DIRT!
‘Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?’
‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,’ I informed him.
‘All the food was slow.’
‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’
‘It was a place called “at home”, I explained. !
‘Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.’
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died..
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 i.e. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
I was 9 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called ‘pizza pie.’
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too.. It’s still the best pizza I ever had.
I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers –my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it… I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ’sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum & Teaberry also (my favs)
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi’s
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21.. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
Don’t forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends
NEXT
>> IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU
>> ARE REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT!
>>
>> KEEP
>> IT GOING!!!!
>>
>> Propose
>> this in 2009:
>>
>> START A BILL TO PLACE ALL POLITICIANS ON SOCIAL
>> SECURITY
>>
>>
>> ———————————-
>>
>> SOCIAL SECURITY:
>>
>> (This is worth reading. It is short and to the
>> point.)
>>
>> Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during election years.
>>
>> Our Senators and Congresswomen do
>> not pay into
>> Social Security and, of course, they do not collect
>> from it.
>>
>> You see, Social Security benefits were not suitable
>> for persons
>> of their rare elevation in society.
>> They felt
>> they should have a special
>> plan for
>> themselves. So, many
>> years ago they voted in their own benefit
>> plan.
>>
>> In more recent years, no congress person has felt the need to change
>> it. After all, it is a great plan.
>>
>> For all practical purposes their plan works like this:
>>
>> When they retire, they continue to draw the same pay
>> until they die.
>> Except it may increase from time to
>> time for cost of living
>> adjustments…
>>
>> For example, Senator Byrd and Congressman White and
>> their wives may expect to draw $7, 800,000.00
>> (that’s Seven Million, Eight-Hundred Thousand
>> Dollars), with their wives drawing $275, 000.00 during
>> the last years of their lives.
>>
>> This is calculated on an average life span for each of
>> those two Dignitaries.
>>
>> Younger Dignitaries who
>> retire at an early age, will receive much more during the rest of
>> their lives.
>>
>> Their
>> cost for this excellent plan
>> is $0.00.
>> NADA..! ZILCH…..
>>
>> This
>> little perk they voted for themselves is free to
>> them. You and I pick up the tab for
>> this plan.
>> The funds for this fine retirement plan come directly
>> from the General Funds;
>>
>> “OUR TAX DOLLARS AT
>> WORK “!
>>
>> From our
>> own Social Security Plan, which you and I pay (or have paid) into,
>> every payday until we retire (which amount is matched by our
>> employer). We can expect to get an average of $1,000 per month after
>> retirement.
>>
>> Or, in other words, we would have to collect our average of $1,000
>> monthly benefits for 68 years and one (1) month to equal Senator Bill
>> Bradley’s benefits!
>>
>>
>> Social
>> Security could be very good if only one small change
>> were made.
>>
>> That change would be to:
>>
>> Jerk the
>> Golden Fleece Retirement Plan from under the Senators and
>> Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of
>> us Then
>> sit back……
>>
>> And see how fast they would fix it.
>>
>> If
>> enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted
>> and maybe good changes will evolve.
>>
>> How
>> many people CAN you send
>> this to?
>>
>> Better yet……
>>
>> How many people WILL you send
>> this to?
NEXT
Little Johnny watched his
Daddy’’s’ car pass by the school playground and go
Into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy
And Aunt Jane
In a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
Himself as
He ran home and started to tell his mother.
‘Mommy, I was at the playground
And
I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
Look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped
Her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
Pants off, then Aunt Jane…’
At
This point Mommy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such
An interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
Time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it
Tonight.’
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny
To tell his story. Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the
Playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.’
Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole
Story Before you interrupt!
NEXT
Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey.. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:
Dear God,
Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.
I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.
Love, Meredith
We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.
Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, ‘To Meredith’ in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, ‘When a Pet Dies..’ Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey &Meredith and this note:
Dear Meredith,
Abbey arrived safely in heaven.
Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.
Abbey isn’t sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don’t need our bodies in heaven, I don’t have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by..
Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.
I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.
By the way, I’m easy to find, I am wherever there is love.
Love,
God
NEXT
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…’
The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’
The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming up,’ says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to
buy you one, too.’
The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’
The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’
NEXT
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
NEXT
WRITTEN BY A CHINESE DOCTOR – OR SO THEY TELL ME – IS HE KIDDING???? WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU DO IT!
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it, don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually . Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: ‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
PS Your old buddy Uncle Fred’s theory is that ‘pressure’ – nerves, worry, all of which we have in excess in the U. S. kills you. In most nations they have a nation health program for one thing. If you are ill you are not going to loss your home and savings paying to get well. In many countries your children will be educated to the best of their ability – here you worry about the money to do so. All stress – call it socialized living, socialism, what ever I am all for it. Capitalism is fine but it needs to be tweaked a bit. Just one old farts comment.
Fred
NEXT
LADIES YOU — HAVE TO READ THIS ONE FOR LAUGHS!!!
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills
with not enough money.
In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.
Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time–no emailing.
Each man must also
take each child to a doctor’s appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.
He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.
He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.
The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.
The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.
During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.
They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.
They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child’s birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor’s name.
Also the child’s weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child’s favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.
The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if…
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment’s notice.
If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!
After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you
think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can
handle it.
Just don’t send it back to me…. I’m going to bed.
NEXT
The latest telephone polls taken by the Texas, Arizona and California’s Governor’s office asked whether
People who live in these states think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”
71% of respondents answered: “No es una problema seriosa.”
NEXT
A young man named Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news… the horse died.”
Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and was able to make $998.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He is the one who figured out how this “bail-out” is going to work.
NEXT
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband leftMinnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
NEXT
An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees!”
“What powerful rivers!”
“What beautiful animals!”
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.
a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
The man ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was
even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”.
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident… Do you expect me to help you out of
this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the
BEAR a Christian?”
“Very Well”, said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
NEXT
save lives …
It is important to always have ASPIRIN in the home!!!
Why have Aspirin by your bedside ?
ABOUT HEART ATTACKS
There are other symptoms of an heart attack besides the pain on the left arm.
One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur less frequently.
NOTE : There may be no pain in the chest during an heart attack.
The majority of people (about 60%) who had an heart attack during their sleep, did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.
If that happens, IMMEDIATELY DISSOLVE TWO ASPIRINS IN YOUR MOUTH and swallow them with a bit of water.
Afterwards, phone a neighbour or a family member who lives very close by and state “HEART ATTACK!!!” and that you have taken 2 ASPIRINS
Take a seat on a chair or sofa and wait for their arrival and ….
DO NOT LIE DOWN !!!
A Cardiologist has stated that, if each person, after receiving this e-mail, sends it to 10 people, probably a life can be saved!
I have already shared the information!!! What about you? Foward this message : IT MAY SAVE LIVES !!! !!!
THE END
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