« | Home | »

HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES August 20th 2009

By fred | August 21, 2009

HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES

 It has been another week of doctor visits – wow – this is something you gotta do if you are about 80 and stuff starts to slip on you. 

 

Went to the dentist for a 6 month check up and found three problems so will be back next week and have the dreaded needle screw up my mouth, hate that. 

 

Went to the sleep doctor – that went well – don’t have to see him for another year, assuming that I make it another year.  Sleeping with the dreaded black box and my mask seems to be working well – getting used to wearing it every night took almost six months.  If Sally knew how to shoot a gun, had one, I am sure she would have shot the black box long ago, maybe me along with it as her sleeping the last few months has been disrupted far too often by it.

 

Two weeks ago I was kneeling in my front planters and for some reason fell over, somehow bruised my leg, so it started swelling up, turning black and blue – so had to see Doug, my ever patient buddy doctor and he said there was an infection so I have a bottle of the ugliest looking vile huge green pills to take, six a day, two after each meal for ten days – YUK! 

 

Old age is O. K. in some ways; you can use it for a lot of excuses.  Younger folks seem to excuse you for almost anything you say, do, etc.   THAT I consider a plus – what I hate about old age is being sooooooo damn fragile.  Taking the rat poison pills you need to thin blood after my heart operations seems to compound black and blue skin marks, etc.  When as a kid you could play football or whatever gets pounded and bounce up, be bright as a fiddle the next day – now you barely get touched and recovery is weeks. 

 

I guess I shouldn’t bitch – I am still on this planet – still have my ears, eyes and whatever else it takes to be a part of the comedy of life.  Sometimes it does get sad though, so many super, wonderful friends are gone, so many that you shared such great times with have left us.  They say the good die young – WELL – that must mean that the rest of us still here are evil old farts.  That includes Hugo, the Eddies, Fuzz, Dale, the Dons, the Rays, Joe, Tommy, Les, the Bobs, Chuck, Dick, Dominic, and the rest of you evil old duffers like me.  Now ladies! I don’t mean you – our ladies – they get more mellow and lovelier than ever, not like us guys.

 

Ha, well, I will have to leave these musings for another time – here is the latest in Humor & Stuff from Buddies. 

 

In a few days we shall return to dear old Poly High and my adventures there in the fall of 1944.

 

Till then, Love ya, Fred

 

NEXT

 

 Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and

Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

 

 

     A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special

effort with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would

take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding

time – just he and his granddaughter.  One particular Sunday however, he

had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all.  Luckily, his

wife  came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

 

 

     When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see

 her Grandfather.

 

       ’Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?’

 

       ’Oh yes, Papa’ the girl replied, and do you know what?  We didn’t

see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or horse’s ass anywhere we went today!’

 

 

  
 

 

 

 

 

NEXT

 

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.  I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that’s not the worst of it.  My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
                        But here’s the worst of it – 

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. 
CASH FOR CLUNKERS……….I QUALIFY  -  How about You?

 

NEXT

 

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her  husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in  the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
  
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of  coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
  
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you!? I hope you’re proud of   yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care and taking care of him will now be your career!’

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
 

The lady doctor then chuckled and said,  ’I'm just pulling your leg.

He’s dead. 

Show me what you bought!

 

 

NEXT

 

Body Found Today the Police found an unidentified man’s body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick. Are You Okay??

NEXT

 

This was written by a former U. S. Naval officer related to the gross stupidity related to if our president is a U. S. citizen.

QUOTE

I agree it would be helpful if he would provide a birth certificate to clear the air, but not for what so many of the e-mails I’m getting are relating to. They are asking was he born in Hawaii?  Who cares where he was born. The question should be was he born to a U.S. citizen?

 

When a person becomes a Congressman I’m sure a security clearance is needed, so then a background investigation is required. And for sure if a person is running for the position of President an in depth background investigation is conducted. At that time they would have determined if his mother was a U.S. citizen.

 

When we had our secret security clearance we completed paperwork that provided our complete life history. When I received my top secret clearance more information was required. My grandparents came from Europe, so I had to list that. My first marriage father-in-law came from Germany as a young man and he still had relatives in East Germany.

 

I feel that it is up to him if he wants to release his birth certificate.

 

Have a good one. Nice talking to you. 

 

OTHERS ARE HIGHLY PISSED OFF RELATED TO ‘BIRTHER’S’ MAKING AN ISSUE OUT OF SUCH A STUPID THING – READ ON —

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  It doesn’t matter where he was born

 

OK, enough of these “birthers”!  Do you realize how ridiculous you look, screaming at meetings and holding up silly signs?  If you are sure President Obama was born somewhere other than Hawaii, prove it. Provide his birth certificate from wherever you think it was he was born. If you can’t do that, shut up.

 

Isn’t it interesting that the first African-American president is the only president whose birthplace has been questioned by these people?

 

Please, please, stop hiding your racism behind the badge of patriotism and be a real patriot - read the Constitution!

 

Obama’s mother was a U.S. citizen. It doesn’t matter what her age was when he was born, and it doesn’t matter where he was born – he’s a U.S. citizen! So deal with it.

 

NAME DELETED 

 

 

I have been receiving too many forwarded e-mails about where the President was born and I’m tired in getting them. This Editorial came out today and I just had to send it to those on my address list.

 

Many of you know of children who were born outside the U.S. to parents (one or born) who were U.S. citizens and there was no question that they were U.S. citizens. And I know of cases where the parents had to get special papers from the American Embassy before they could bring their children back to the U.S.

 

You don’t have to be a military person to have children born in a foreign country. We have many citizens working in foreign countries and I know of those who were visiting when they gave birth to their little one.

 

My three sons were born in the Territory of Hawaii and when we returned to the States I was asked if my sons were U.S. citizens? Yes they are, I’d reply. 

 

Take care,

 

 

 

NEXT

 

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye….It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought….
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past
a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you my son?’

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business…..’

‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door… This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go
fhrough the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

 

 

NEXT

 

 

NEXT

 

Crabby Old Man

 

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . .. When you’re looking at me?
A crabby old man, . . . . . . Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . . .With faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice, ‘I do wish you’d try!’
Who seems not to notice . . . The things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking?. . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . You’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . .. As I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of Ten . . . . With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . . . Who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . With wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . A lover he’ll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . That I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .. . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . . . Have grown and are gone,
But my woman’s beside me . . . To see I don’t mourn.
At fifty, once more, . . . . . . Babies play ’round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . .. . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . Young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . . . And the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man . . . . . .. . . And nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . . Look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . . . Grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . . . . . Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . .. . . . . . . My battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I’m loving and living . . . . . Life over again.

I think of the years . . . . . . . . All too few, Gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . That nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . Open and see.
Not a crabby old man .. . . . .. . Look closer, see ME!!

- – - – - – - – - – - -

NEXT

 

IN THIS CASE, IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU ARE REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT!

Propose this in 2009:

START A BILL TO PLACE ALL POLITICIANS ON SOCIAL SECURITY
  

———————————-

SOCIAL SECURITY:

(This is worth reading. It is short and to the point.)

Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during election years.

Our Senators and Congresswomen do not pay into Social Security and, of course, they do not collect from it.

You see, Social Security benefits were not suitable for persons of their rare elevation in society. They felt they should have a special plan for themselves. So, many years ago they voted in their own benefit plan.

In more recent years, no congressperson has felt the need to change it. After all, it is a great plan.

For all practical purposes their plan works like this:

When they retire, they continue to
draw the same pay until they die.
Except it may increase from time to time for cost of living adjustments..

For example, Senator Byrd and Congressman White and their wives may expect to draw  $7,800,000.00  (that’s Seven Million, Eight-Hundred Thousand Dollars), with their wives drawing
$275, 000.00 during the last years of their lives.

This is calculated on an average life span for each of those two Dignitaries.

Younger Dignitaries who retire at an early age, will receive much more during the rest of their lives.

Their cost for this excellent plan is $0.00. NADA..! ZILCH….

This little perk they voted for themselves is free to them.
You and I pick up the tab for this plan. The funds for this fine retirement plan come directly from the General Funds;

“OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK “!

From our own Social Security Plan, which you and I pay (or have paid) into, every payday until we retire (which amount is matched by our e mployer). We can expect to get an average of
$1,000 per month
After retirement.

Or, in other words, we would have to collect our average of $1,000 monthly benefits for 68 years and one (1) month to equal Senator Bill Bradley’s benefits!

Social Security could be very good if only one small change were made.

That change would be to:

Jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan from under the Senators and Congressmen.. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us
Then sit back…..

And see how fast they would fix it.

If
enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted and maybe good changes will evolve.

How many people CAN you send this to?

Better yet……

How many people WILL you send this to ?

NEXT

 

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property.   It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania .   This guy’s response is hilarious, but read The State’s letter before you get to the response letter.

State of Pennsylvania ‘s letter to Mr. DeVries:   

SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County   

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.  You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:     

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.  

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued.  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.  

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.  We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in
this matter.. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.  

Sincerely,

David L.. Price
District
Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr.. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File
No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County  

Dear Mr. Price,   

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to.  I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .   

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials ‘debris.’   

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?    

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.   

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
annotated.)

I have several dam concerns.  My first dam concern is, aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.   In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.    

If you want the dammed stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.   

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.  They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).   

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007 ? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears!   Bears are actually defecating in our woods.  I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.  If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!   

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS   
 

NEXT

 

Awesome Senior Moment

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, ‘Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq ?’

The old woman looked up at her and said, ‘Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam .  All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it!’

 

NEXT

 

NEED WASHING??

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence.. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in ‘Mom let’s run through the rain,’

she said.

‘What?’ Mom asked.

‘Let’s run through the rain!’ She repeated

‘No, honey. We’ll wait until it slows down a bit,’ Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: ‘Mom, let’s run through the rain,’

‘We’ll get soaked if we do,’ Mom said..

‘No, we won’t, Mom.. That’s not what you said this morning,’ the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm.

This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?

‘Don’t you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ‘If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!’

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn’t hear anything but the rain.. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore

what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child’s life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

‘Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If GOD let’s us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,’ Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories…So, don’t forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season

and a time to every purpose under heaven.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this to the people you’ll never forget and remember to also send it to the person who sent it to you. It’s a short message to let them know that you’ll never forget them..

If you don’t send it to anyone, it means you’re in a hurry.

Take the time to live!!!

Keep in touch with your family and  friends, you never know when you’ll need each other — and don’t forget to run in the rain!

 

LOVE TILL NEXT TIME, – UNCLE FRED

Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages.
  • Digg
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • YahooMyWeb
  • Google
  • Live

Topics: HUMOR FROM BUDDIES | No Comments »

Comments