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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES!
By fred | September 1, 2009
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – Aug. 31st 2009
Sometimes I wonder about getting old, the so called quiet life, my life seems exciting enough, if it seems dull I get enough excitement hearing tales from buddies. Like one of my buddies back east at 70 years of age is going to cross the Atlantic ocean in a small boat from South Africa, just him and another 70 year buddy.
I will not use his name here – I did include part of his letter to me at the top of “Humor & Stuff from Buddies” below this. I think he is nuts, nutty as in fruitcake. My buddy is a Norwegian / American, I think he is making a belated attempt to copy his Nordic ancestors macho spirit – I hope the crazy bastard makes it as I really like the guy. Of course, my Dad figured all Norwegians are crazy as they broke away from Denmark a few hundred years ago. Dad never forgave them for that! Dad figured all Norwegians were nice guys – only with a little screw loose for doing that. Anyway you will read in the first letter following my update – on my “exciting life” in the far north. Hey, don’t laugh – excitement is where you find it and at my age getting out of bed each morning is excitement enough!
Ha! Getting old – I highly recommend that you stay away from that as long as possible. Everything creaks and aches – changes in the weather – I can usually tell days ahead.
We had some excitement in the neighborhood when an ambulance came screaming into our neighborhood a few nights back and pulled into Oscar & Corky’s driveway across the street from us. Corky, Oscar’s wife, a sweetheart of a lady had become extremely faint and he called in the emergency crew. They still haven’t got it figured out but they will be seeing a heart doc tomorrow, God willing they will figure out what the deal is.
This year we decided not to plant tomatoes, yearly we have planted those tiny tasty cherry tomatoes in several pots on our back cement patio area right next to the fence. Sally decided that she did not like the pots empty all winter so we planted some nice evergreen plants this year – that will give us a lovely green view from our kitchen and dinning area even in the winter months. The fence in our tiny back yard is right next to the cement patio, there is about a four inch area of dirt between the fence and the cement patio slab which I filled with nice white rocks.
Well, those tomatoes were not taking any crap from us —- totally on their own, without any help from us, tomatoes vines starts growing out from the white rocks. I did not have the heart to pull em out just had to see what they would do. Would they produce tomatoes? It is evident they grew from seeds that must have come from some tomatoes spoiled from last years crop, or those we missed picking, had to be.
Those totally unplanned, unplanted, orphaned, tomato vines are over five feet high; I had to put hooks and rope to hold them up against the fence as they grew. Fruit? Tomatoes? Dozens of small green tomatoes and what seems like hundreds of more flowers for more coming. There were a few red ones already in our dinner salads. Must be a super year for tomatoes, one of my best buddies in our group of homes, Gary Nelson (another big Norwegian / American although not nuts like my eastern buddy) gave me a couple that were huge, each the size of my fist, and I have a big one. The flavor? Unbelievable, no comparison to store tomatoes.
My project for the week was putting a new cover on the bird feeder I made last year. Now if you saw it you would think it is a bit weird. I got pissed at the pigeons stealing all the bird seed from the sparrows and smaller birds. I spotted a couple of those large plastic laundry baskets, the kind with tons of holes in them. I fitted two the same size and color (green) together to give it strength, glued them together, then cut out six holes around the side, just big enough for the smaller birds to get inside. Then screwed a plastic dish to the bottom of the basket feeder. I found a large piece of wood to cover it and put hooks in it to hold the basket – all attached to the fence outside my home office window. It worked, drove the doves nuts as they could see in the feeder but could not get in the holes – although the tiny birds do kick out enough that the doves get plenty to eat.
The first few days I put it up it was funny as heck, the tiny sparrows, all the smaller birds could see in, see all that wonderful bird seed, but no one had the guts to go into one of the holes and eat, this went on for about three days until one little guy went in, took a few pecks and immediately flew out another opening. He was soon back again, then others seeing him eating away ventured in, soon the inside of my home made feeder was packed. They were protected from the doves eating all their food, protected from rains and the elements while eating, worked super. Only thing the wood cover with the rains and sun both started to warp badly and I replaced it this week with a tin sheet. The birds had to look that over for a few hours but soon realized it was not a threat, even if it was kind of shiny.
My swollen ankle and right leg seems to be slowly getting better, something else will likely crop up, seems like all of us old guys and gals at our ages are like old cars, need to be tuned up constantly!
Football season is coming; my invalid son Rick that lives with us is addicted to watching football. Rick can watch four and five games a day. Me? Love the game but between my eBay store, keeping track of buddies, my BLOG, doctors, attempting to keep some resemblance of order to my outdoor plants, shopping, etc, one a day is my max.
Ha! Remember when! There was once upon a time when my buddies and I could play a game, be exhausted after the game, rest up, take a hot shower and be ready for a date with our dream boat girls three hours after the game — and not get home that night until after midnight. Guys – did we really do that? What a difference sixty odd years makes!
Enough! On to Humor & Stuff from all of you—
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES ——-
FIRST FROM MY CRAZY 70 YEAR OLD BUDDY –
As for me, I’m planning to join a German friend in South Africa who
has a 40′ sailboat in Oct., making the passage from Cape Town, to
Namibia, St. Helena (of Napoleon exile fame), and ending in Salvador
Brazil, hopefully arriving in mid Dec. There will only be the two of
us onboard–both aged 70. Six weeks at sea. I probably won’t shower
of shave the whole time! Obviously, I intend to write about it somewhere.
UNCLE FRED’S COMMENT – I will pray for you, a 40 foot boat in the open ocean in any weather – even moderate weather can be a bitch. God willing you two nuts will make it.
NEXT
The Genie…….
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So… what’ll it be?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, rarely drinks, doesn’t gamble, doesn’t go out with drunken mates, pays more attention to me than his car ,and is faithful.
That is what I wish for…a good man.”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the f#&%*@)* map again.”
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WEIRD STUFF!!!!!!!!!!
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln ‘s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born
in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named ‘Ford’.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘ Lincoln ‘ made by ‘Ford’..
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here’s the kicker…
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor asked, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
The old lady replied, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”
The little old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”
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Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
————————————————————————
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq …. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was
written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this –
you cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians …. it creates a hostile work environment.
Also, think about this … if you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone –
YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for America to speak up!
Yep, I passed it on!
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| September 11th, 2009
We have a little less than one month and counting to get the word out all across this great land and into every community in the United States of America. THE PROGRAM: On Friday, September 11th, 2009, an American flag should be displayed outside every home, apartment, office, and store in the United States. Every individual should make it their duty to display an American flag on this eighth anniversary of one of our country’s worst tragedies. We do this to honor those who lost their lives on 9/11, their families, friends and loved ones who continue to endure the pain, and those who today are fighting at home and abroad to preserve our cherished freedoms. In the days, weeks and months following 9/11, our country was bathed in American flags as citizens mourned the incredible losses and stood shoulder-to-shoulder against terrorism. Sadly, those flags have all but disappeared. Our patriotism pulled us through some tough times and it shouldn’t take another attack to galvanize us in solidarity. Our American flag is the fabric of our country and together we can prevail over terrorism of all kinds Action Plan: So, here’s what we need you to do . (1) Forward this email to everyone you know (at least 11 people). Please don’t be the one to break this chain. Take a moment to think back to how you felt on 9/11 and let those sentiments guide you. (2) Fly an American flag of any size on 9/11. Honestly, Americans should fly the flag year-round, but if you don’t, then at least make it a priority on this day. If you forward this email to least 11 people and each of those people do the same … you get the idea. Thank you for your participation. God Bless You and God Bless America! |
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‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs
and make love,’ and you answer,
‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you’re barefoot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don’t have to go along.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting a little action’
means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car
in the parking lot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
AND
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are not sure
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Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us
who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this!
Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices
like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to
Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address, medical
insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen
minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said,
“Shingles.” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical
history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour
later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,
“Shingles.” So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure
test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and
wait for the doctor.
An hour later
the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked
Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.” The doctor asked,”Where?”
Bubba said,
“Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload
‘em??”
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Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to him, ’I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug. ‘
He got up, unplugged my Computer, and threw out my wine.
He ‘s such an ass . . ..
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| THE CONGRESSMAN & LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Congressman turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’” The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about the banking crisis?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting and timely topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don’t know shit?” |
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For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.
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Red Shirt
If the red shirt thing is new to you, read below how it went for a man…
Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two together..
After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who’d been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home.
No, he responded.
Heading out I asked?
No. I’m escorting a soldier home.
Going to pick him up?
No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq , I’m taking him home to his family.
The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn’t know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier’s family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.
I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.
Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign.”
Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me realize that I am proud to be an American
So here’s a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.
Red Fridays.
Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the “silent majority.” We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers.. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.
Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday – and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that … Every red-blooded American who supports our men and women a far, will wear something red.
By word of mouth, press, TV — let’s make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once “silent” majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.
The first thing a soldier says when asked “What can we do to make things better for you?” is. “We need your support and your prayers.” Let’s get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear something red every Friday.
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|
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I wake up in the morning ,
And can hardly wait to see
If I’ve received a mailing,
Addressed from you to me.
I get my ‘puter running
And much to my delight,
Your poems, jokes and other things
Come quickly into sight.
Please keep those emails coming,
They are so enjoyable you see
Funny things, friendly things
Those things you mail to me.
But most of all the fun of it,
Is knowing that they came.
From you, my friend,
The one I need not name.
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The
> coach had
> put together the perfect team for the
> Detroit
> Lions… The
> only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
> He had scouted all
> the colleges and even the Canadian and European
> Leagues, but he couldn’t
> find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
>
> Then one night
> while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
> Afghanistan .
> In one
> corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan
> Muslim soldier with
> a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade
> straight into a 15th
> story window 100 yards away.
>
> KABOOM!
>
> He threw another
> hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
> chimney.
>
> KA-BLOOEY!
>
> Then he threw another at a passing car
> going 90 mph.
>
> BULLS-EYE!
>
> “I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach
> said to himself. “He has the perfect
> arm!”
>
> So, he brings him to
> the States and teaches him the great game of
> football. And the Lions go
> on to win the Super Bowl.
>
> The young Afghan is hailed as the great
> hero of football, and when the coach asks him what
> he wants, all the
> young man wants is to call his mother.
>
> “Mom,” he says into the
> phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
>
> “I don’t want to talk to you,
> the old Muslim woman says.”You are not my
> son!”
>
> “I don’t think
> you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads.
> “I’ve won the greatest
> sporting event in the world. I’m here among
> thousands of my adoring
> fans.”
>
> “No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts.
> “At this very
> moment, there are gunshots all around us. The
> neighborhood is a pile of
> rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within
> an inch of their
> lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in
> the house so she
> doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses,
> and then tearfully
> says,
>
>
> “I will never forgive you for making us move to
> Detroit
>
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Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes.
The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing.
“This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now.”
The other Mom replies, “I remember him as a baby.”
The first mother says, “He’s a martyr now.”
“Oh, that’s so sad, my dear.”
Then the first mother flips to another picture. “And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21.”
“Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born.”
The first mother sighs, “He’s also a martyr.”
”Oh gracious me!” says the second mother.
“And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18 this year.”
“Yes,” says her friend enthusiastically, ”I remember when he first started school.”
“He’s also a martyr,” the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, < /div>
gently lays her hand on the first woman’s shoulder and says:
“They blow up so fast, don’t they?”
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| A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’ The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’ ‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’ ‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit. |
THE END
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