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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES Sept. 26th, 2009
By fred | September 26, 2009
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES SEPT. 26th, 2009
Seems it has been awhile since we did a ‘Humor & Stuff from Buddies’ – I have more than the 25 pages below – will try and save the rest for another day.
This morning I had an argument with my bride of 59 plus years, Sally, well it was more of a discussion. Of course in our marriage of those 59 years my winning a discussion with her is like odds of 100,000 to zip. Still – as a stud (I think of myself as a stud – Sally thinks I am a pussy cat) – the discussion was about our cat ‘Nina’.
I have related various episodes about Nina – a three year old black cat, that has taken over our lives. I am talking about a cat here, not my human wife Sally dominating every aspect or our lives.
If I do not get up by 7 AM Nina is on my chest peering into my face, hitting my sleeping mask with her paws, and sometimes yelling at me. At night if I have work to do, putting up orders in my home office for my eBay jewelry store, listing items, writing, and it gets past 10 PM she will jump on my desk and disrupt my work, sometimes grabbing a bracelet, a earring, a necklace and jumping off the desk and wants to play – “Catch me if you can!” I finally get the message and just give up and go to bed. Being ruled by a 10 pound (my guess) solid black, part Siamese monster that thinks she controls this house and all in it can be frustrating at times.
Today, this morning, Nina and I walked into the kitchen together, Sally was finishing up making our morning fresh fruit bowl, figuring Nina would be hungry I asked if I should feed her. Sally said “Go ahead!”
Our cat according to my son Rick and Sally is NOT spoiled, ha, that I will disagree with. First off, the cat has never seen a can of cat food in her life, at least not since she has been running our household. She has only the most expensive dried food that can be purchased. In ‘canned’ food she only eats the tiny glass jars of Gruber Baby food, mainly creamed chicken – warmed for five seconds in the micro wave – then with a fork you have to put lines in the stuff. Sally being the main feeder – says this is the way it has to be done.
Today I did that, and placed the ‘creamed chicken’ dish next to her water dish in the kitchen, she took one look, turned and shook her tail and walked down the hall to our bed room. A ‘shook’ tail in cat language is an expression of dissatisfaction if you are unaware of cat language.
When I told Sally she took the dish, reheated it for another five seconds, added the ‘fork’ lines, then grabbed a napkin and took it to our bedroom where Nina consented to have breakfast in the middle of our bed. She consumed the entire meal.
Now – I strongly contend that this is really the living end. When you have to feed a family cat ‘breakfast in bed’ the damn cat is spoiled rotten. Sally says it is not so, that just because a lady wants breakfast in bed does not mean she is spoiled!
I am damn sure I am right in this – however being ruled by two women, a human and an animal, it is difficult. First off, both are extremely loving – at times – something an old fart like me appreciates. Still – a cat should be a cat – and not get fed in bed. I have tied to tell Nina about all the poor kitties out side in the cold and rain, many with little or nothing to eat, etc, etc – all to no avail. She seems to have the attitude that “Tough – if they can’t find themselves some human sucker to take care of them properly – it is there tough luck!”
Since I will never win this argument here at home, hopefully some of you will agree with me.
Mixed in with this Humor & Stuff – is a few important notices – related to the 2010 Census and another related to signs of a stroke which most of us have seen before but at the age of several of us should be re read again and again.
The health care of our citizens seems to be in the hands of a zoo, folks that belong in a loony asylum – so I have tuned that out. God willing something will come out of the stupidity that seems to be our nation’s lawmakers. Crazy that our president has to go on talk shows, humor shows, etc, to get folks attention. Has to tell you the level our national intelligence, or am I dreaming this?
We will soon return to the days of my youth in Everybody’s Danish, hope you will all be aboard.
Love and stuff,
Fred
START OF HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES——–
A few classics from Maxine – this lady always has it right! –
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It’s called ………
’Ministers Do More Than Lay People’
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring..
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there’s
shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen – just
Vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, ‘I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.’
11. Definition of a teenager?
God’s punishment…for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way.
NOW GO HAVE A GOOOOD DAY……
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Warning about 2010 Census from Better Business Bureau…
The census taker was by here some time ago with his little ‘counter’ and
said he was just checking addresses…..
|
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I will continue to forward this every time it comes around!
STROKE: Remember the 1st Three Letters…. S. T. R.
STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
It only takes a minute to read this…
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke…totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.
RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the ‘3′ steps, STR . Read and Learn!
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
S *Ask the individual to SMILE.
T *Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)
(i.e. It is sunny out today.)
R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
New Sign of a Stroke ——– Stick out Your Tongue
NOTE: Another ’sign’ of a stroke is this: Ask the person to ’stick’ out his tongue.. If the tongue is ‘crooked’, if it goes to one side or the other, that is also an indication of a stroke.
A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.
I have done my part. Will you?
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John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John..
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy.
“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
“I am ashamed of you son,” said John.. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair
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Stella Awards
It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’ s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past year:
*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.
Scratch some more…
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.. Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more……
Double hand scratching after this one…
*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching….
*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set.. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
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Dear Friends in living other states – you may not get the humor of this BUT if you ever lived in the State of Washington for just one year – you would! Fred
THIS IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAS TO SAY ABOUT ‘LIVING IN Washington !
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you live in Washington.
If you’ve worn shorts, sandals and a parka at the same time, you live in Washington .
If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Washington .
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Washington .
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Washington.
If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ and back again in the same day, you live in Washington .
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both doors unlocked, you live in Washington
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Central, Southern or Eastern Washington.
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a 2 layers of clothes or under a raincoat, you live in Washington.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow and ice, you live in Washington.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Washington .
If you feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash, you live in Washington.
If you know more than 10 ways to order coffee, you live in Washington.
If you know more people who own boats than air conditioners, you live in Washington.
If you stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal, you live in Washington .
If you consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain, you live in Washington.
If you can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, and Dutch Bros, you live in Washington.
If you know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon, you live in Washington.
If you know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Abiqua, Issaquah, Oregon, Umpqua, Yakima and Willamette, you live in Washington.
If you consider swimming an indoor sport, you live in Washington.
If you can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food, you live in Washington.
If you never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho, you live in Washington.
If you have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain, you live in Washington.
If you think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists, you live in Washington.
If you buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time, you live in Washington.
If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Washington friends, you live or have lived in Washington.
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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to make a difference in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.
I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired’? Well..I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
And I’m pretty damn good at it, too!!
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> Subject: Global Warming
> >
>
>
>
> It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota
> asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
>
>
>
> Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
> old
> secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was
> going to be like.
>
>
>
> Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the
> winter
> was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
> collect firewood to be prepared..
>
>
>
> But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea He
> went
> to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the
> coming winter going to be cold?’
>
>
>
> ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the
> meteorologist
> at the weather service responded.
>
>
>
> So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
> more
> firewood in order to be prepared.
>
>
>
> A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it
> still
> look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
>
>
>
> ‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going
> to
> be a very cold winter.’
>
>
>
> The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
> every
> scrap of firewood they could find.
>
>
>
> Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
> ‘Are
> you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
>
>
>
> ‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is
> going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
>
>
>
> ‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
>
> The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting firewood like
> crazy.’
>
>
>
> Remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!
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A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT’S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: “BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU’VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE.” BILLY SAYS: “I’M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN’T GONE ‘DOODY’ YET.”
HIS MOTHER SAYS: “OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?”
BILLY SAYS:
“WORKS FOR KETCHUP.”
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The Biggest Losers
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
Magnums.
And Satan said, “You want hot fudge with that?”
And Man said, “Yes!”
And Woman said, “I’ll have one too with chocolate chips.”
And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yogurt that woman might keep the figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the
cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.”
And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the
side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, “I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter- dipped
lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
platter.
And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre
into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious
quantities of salt.
And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose
those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and
started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99¢ double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said “You want fries with that?”
And Man replied, “Yes, and super size ‘em.”
And Satan said, “It is good.”
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed, and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then Satan chuckled and created HMOs
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Let Me Tell You About My Weekend
An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’
All Seniors Aren’t Senile
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‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love, and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’
‘OLD’ IS WHEN… Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN… A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
‘OLD’ IS WHEN… Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
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Subject: FW: AMA Debates Healthcare Reform
> This is very educational. Pay attention.
>
> The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama
> health
> care
> proposals.
>
> The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not
> to make any rash moves.
>
> The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
> Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
>
> The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
> Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
>
> Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians
> said,
> “Oh,
> Grow up!”
>
> The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
> Radiologists
> could see right through it.
>
> Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
>
> The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
> Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter….”
>
> The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
> pissed off at the whole idea.
>
> The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
> Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
>
> In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up
> to
> the
> assholes in Washington.
>
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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don’t send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
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George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON’T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin’s Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling.. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone…
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into ! your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s family name is Alzheimer’s.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6… The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don’t take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot , relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn’t
make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages…. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for
spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
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THE SHOEBOX
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
| For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. ‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’ ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’ A Prayer…… |
AMEN!!!!!
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Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift…
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg..
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager..
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after
lunch.’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the
turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the
bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
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Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life. Read below and digest carefully…
“I have outlived my pecker”.
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Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings….
DO YOU KNOW… The difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end…gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories..
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few
Only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years .
And now, for Margarine..
Very high in Trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease .
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold..
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here’s the most disturbing fact…. HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but one molecule away from being PLASTIC..
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value ; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weenie microorganisms will not a find a home to grow.
Why? Because it is nearly plastic . Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
Share This With Your Friends…..(If you want to ‘butter them up’)!
Chinese Proverb:
‘When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.
Pass the BUTTER PLEASE…
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OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s
like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with
my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between
her knees, but still nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
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