« HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES Sept. 26th, 2009 | Home | EVERYBODY’S DANISH & This & That! »
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – Oct. 4th, 2009
By fred | October 4, 2009
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – October 4th, 2009
I know, I know we were going to revert to kids again at dear old John H. Francis Polytechnic High School – BUT –let’s have one more Humor & Stuff from buddies first – THEN get back to Poly Hi in a few days.
My old friend Don DeCrona sent me a very interesting story about humans involving themselves in the sex life, the ‘mating’ cycle, or should I say ‘the lack of sex life’ of a hippopotamus. Seems they only do – “IT” – once every three years. That has to be just ‘one’ reason I am happy as all get out that I was not born a hippopotamus.
This story is true, or so Don tells me, since he hasn’t lied to me in the past 60 years I have to assume it is true. It is somewhat humorous, if you have the same warped sense of humor that your old Uncle Fred has, although I am not toooo sure the hippo involved in the first part of the experiment is laughing.
Roy Reilly from up in Arizona sends another related to the latest scam to get your money. THAT – you should read carefully so you don’t become another victim.
I cannot believe that our Huskies lost to Notre Dame, never should have happened. Next year we have to get a bit more muscle in the offensive and defensive lines. Guts they got, seems Coach Sark and the team of coaches, mostly stolen from USC, has instilled the spirit, the never give up; with a little more muscle they are gonna scare the hell out of a lot of teams. They do that now but in another year or two at the most they are going to be on the long end of scoring in most games. Miami beat Oklahoma; love to see the Okies get whipped. USC won, wasn’t too beautiful still they won and their young quarterback got another game experience under his belt. Brother in law Jack played for Cal many, many years ago, he would not have been happy at the outcome of Saturdays game – somehow football does not make all happy, the nature of the game the highs you can’t believe and the depth of despair.
At night it is getting to be about 40 degrees, quite chilly, freezing temps should not be far off here in the great northwest. The days go by so very, very swiftly, funny at the end of this month I will be 80 years of age, a certified old fart if there ever was one. A time of life where I would like time to stand still not rush ahead so fast. Seems so much I want to do yet. Maybe some day I will give you a list of my projects I think each of us that is an elder should do or have done before the day we must depart, as so many other loved ones have done already. Will try and share my ‘gotta do’ list one day soon.
So lets get to Humor and Stuff – leading off is man’s attempt to involve themselves in the love cycle of our fellow creatures – the Hippo’s.
START
Toby and Jane are long time friends of ours. Don DeCrona
This was forwarded from “Chantal” who is the lady manager of the safari ranch (Hammond) in Africa (Zimbabwe) that belongs to Jane’s boss. Jane has been there a couple of times and always comes back with lots of tales and lots of pictures. The following is a typical (well…not so typical) account of ones of their ventures concerning animal control/protection on the ranch. Fun reading, having that dry wit flavor of those Zimbabweans living there in the unfavorable situation caused by the Zimbabwe government (Migabe).
Toby
Wilbur Smith and the Rhino
A FACTUAL ACCOUNT
The plight of the Black Rhinoceros is, or course, due mostly to the value of its horn and the ferocious poaching that this engenders. However, a contributory factor to the declining rhino population is the animals disorganized mating habits.
It seems that the female rhino only becomes receptive to the male’s attentions every three years or so, while the male only becomes interested in her at the same intervals. A condition known quite appropriately as “Must” The problem is one of synchronization, for their amorous inclinations do not always coincide.
In the early Sixties, I was invited, along with a host of journalists and other luminaries, to be present at an attempt by the Rhodesian Game and Tsetse Department to solve this problem of poor timing.
The idea was to capture a male rhino and induce him to deliver up that which could be stored until that day in the distant future when his mate’s fancy turned lightly to thoughts of love.
We departed from the Zambezi Valley in an impressive convoy of trucks and Land rovers counting in our midst non-other than the Director of the game department in person, together with his minions, a veterinary surgeon, an electrician and sundry other technicians, all deemed necessary to make the harvest.
The local game scouts had been sent out to scout the bush for the largest, most virile rhino they could find. They had done their job to perfection and led us to a beast at least the size of a small granite koppie with a horn on his nose considerably longer than my arm.
The trick was to get this monster into a robust mobile pen which had been constructed to accommodate him.
With the Director of the Game Department shouting frantic orders from the safety of the largest truck, the pursuit was on. The tumult and the shouting were apocalyptic. Clouds of dust flew in all directions, trees, and vegetation were destroyed, game scouts scattered like chaff, but finally the Rhino had about a litre of narcotics shot into his rump and his mood became dreamy and benign.
With forty black game guards heaving and shoving, and the Director still shouting orders from the truck, the rhino was wedged into his cage, and stood there with a happy grin on his face.
At this stage, the Director deemed it safe to emerge from the cab of his truck and he came amongst us resplendent in starched and immaculately ironed bush jacket with a colourful silk scarf at this throat. With an imperial gesture, he ordered the portable electric generator to be brought forward and positioned behind the captured animal. This was a machine which was capable of lighting up a small city, and it was equipped with two wheels that made it resemble a roman chariot.
The Director climbed up on the generator to better address us. We gathered around attentively while he explained what was to happen next.
It seemed that the only way to get what we had come for was to introduce an electrode into the rhino’s rear end, and to deliver a mild electric shock, no more than a few volts, which would be enough to pull his trigger for him.
The Director gave another order and the veterinary surgeon greased something that looked like an acoustic torpedo and which was attached to the generator with sturdy insulated wires. He then went up behind the somnolent beast and thrust it up him to a full arms length, at which the Rhino opened his eyes very wide indeed.
The veterinary and his two black assistants now moved into position with a large bucket and assumed expectant expressions. We, the audience, crowded closer so as not to miss a single detail of the drama. The Director still mounted on the generator trailer, nodded to the electrician who threw the switch and chaos reigned. In the subsequent departmental enquiry the blame was placed squarely on the shoulders of the electrician. It seems that in the heat of the moment his wits had deserted him and instead of connecting up his apparatus to deliver a gentle 5 volts, he had crossed his wires and the Rhino received a full 500 volts up his rear end.
His reaction was spectacular. Four tons of Rhinoceros shot six feet straight up in the air. The cage, made of great timber baulks, exploded into its separate pieces and the Rhinoceros now very much awake, took off at a gallop.
We, the audience, were no less sprightly; we took to the trees with alacrity. This was the only occasion on which I have ever been passed by two journalists half way up a Mopane tree.
From the top branches we beheld an amazing sight, for the chariot was still connected to the Rhinoceros per rectum, and the director of the game department was still mounted upon it, very much like Ben Hur the charioteer.
As they disappeared from view, the Rhinoceros was snorting and blowing like a steam locomotive and the Director was clinging to the front rail of his chariot and howling like the north wind which only encouraged the beast to greater speed.
The story has a happy ending for the following day after the director had returned hurriedly to his office in Salisbury, another male Rhinoceros was captured and caged and this time the electrician got his wiring right.
I can still see the Rhinoceros’s expression of surprised gratification as the switch was thrown. You could almost hear him think to himself. ”Oh Boy! I didn’t think this was going to happen to me for at least another three years”.
NEXT
MOTHERS
Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn’t come out of carpets.
Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask ‘Why me?’ and get their answer when a little voice says, ‘Because I love you best.’
Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade… It is marked by the progression of Mummy to Mum to Mother…
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE – My Mummy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE – My Mum knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE – My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE – Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE – Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE – That old woman? She’s way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE – Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE – Before we decide, let’s get Mum’s opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE – Wonder what Mum would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE – Wish I could talk it over with Mum.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows,
And the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
NEXT
One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.
Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen.
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
(No kidding, all of the above are true…)
NEXT
I don’t know what to think of this but I’m passing it on just to be safe!
New Credit Card Scam
Snopes.Com says this is true. To verify see this site: http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/creditcard.asp
This one is pretty slick since they provide YOU with all the information, except the one piece they want.
Note, the callers do not ask for your card number; they already have it… This information is worth reading. By understanding how the VISA & Master Card Telephone Credit Card Scam works, you’ll be better prepared to protect yourself.
One of our employees was called on Wednesday from ‘VISA’, and I was called on Thursday from ‘Master Card’.. The scam works like this: Caller: ‘This is (name), and I’m calling from the Security and Fraud Department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460. Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I’m calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card which was issued by (name of bank). Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a Marketing company based in ?’
When you say ‘No’, the caller continues with, ‘Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct?’
You say ‘yes’. The caller continues – ‘I will be starting a Fraud investigation.. If you have any questions, you should call the 1- 800 number listed on the back of your card (1-800 -VISA) and ask for Security.’
You will need to refer to this Control Number. The caller then gives you a 6 digit number. ‘Do you need me to read it again?’
Here’s the IMPORTANT part on how the scam works. The caller then says, ‘I need to verify you are in possession of your card’. He’ll ask you to ‘turn your card over and look for some numbers’. There are 7 numbers; the first 4 are part of your card number, the next 3 are the security Numbers that verify you are the possessor of the card. These are the numbers you sometimes use to make Internet purchases to prove you have the card. The caller will ask you to read the 3 numbers to him. After you tell the caller the 3 numbers, he’ll say, ‘That is correct, I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card. Do you have any other questions?’ After you say No, the caller then thanks you and states, ‘Don’t hesitate to call back if you do, and hangs up.
You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the Card number.. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes to ask a question.. Are we glad we did! The REAL VISA Security Department told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 was charged to our card.
Long story – short – we made a real fraud report and closed the VISA account. VISA is reissuing us a new number. What the scammers want is the 3-digit PIN number on the back of the card Don’t give it to them. Instead, tell them you’ll call VISA or Master card directly for verification of their conversation. The real VISA told us that they will never ask for anything on the card as they already know the information since they issued the card! If you give the scammers your 3 Digit PIN Number, you think you’re receiving a credit. However, by the time you get your statement you’ll see charges for purchases you didn’t make, and by then it’s almost too late and/or more difficult to actually file a fraud report..
What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call from a ‘Jason Richardson of Master Card’ with a word-for-word repeat of the VISA scam. This time I didn’t let him finish. I hung up! We filed a police report, as instructed by VISA. The police said they are taking several of these reports daily! They also urged us to tell everybody we know that this scam is happening.
Please pass this on to all your family, friends and neighbors. By informing each other, we protect each other.
Neighbors helping neighbors
NEXT
FROM THE EYES OF A CHILD—–
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my
favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each
other.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of
your time and money to help people who had nothing,
and I learned that those who have something should
give to those who don’t.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’ t
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it’s all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn’t looking I learned most of
life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I looked at you and
wanted to say,’Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn’t looking.’
NEXT
2010 Census Cautions
Be Cautious About Giving Info to Census Workers
With the U.S. Census process beginning, the Better Business Bureau
(BBB) advises people to be cooperative, but cautious, so as not to become a victim of fraud or identity theft. The first phase of the
2010 U..S. Census is under way as workers have begun verifying the addresses of households across the country. Eventually, more than 140,000 U.S. Census workers will count every person in the United
States and will gather information about every person living at each
address including name, age, gender, race, and other relevant data.
The big question is – how do you tell the difference between a U.S.Census worker and a con artist? BBB offers the following advice:
** If a U.S. Census worker knocks on your door, they will have a badge, a handheld device, a Census Bureau canvas bag, and a
confidentiality notice. Ask to see their identification and their badge before answering their questions. However, you should never
invite anyone you don’t know into your home.
** Census workers are currently only knocking on doors to verify address information. Do not give your Social Security number, credit card or banking information to anyone, even if they claim they need it for the U.S. Census.
While the Census Bureau might ask for basic financial information, such as a salary range, it will not ask for Social Security, bank account, or credit card numbers nor will employees solicit donations.
Eventually, Census workers may contact you by telephone, mail, or in
person at home. However, they will not contact you by Email, so be on the lookout for Email scams impersonating the Census.
Never click on a link or open any attachments in an Email that are supposedly from the U.S. Census Bureau.
For more advice on avoiding identity theft and fraud, visit www.bbb.org.
NEXT
Wasp Spray
I have a friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area who
was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead. The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray they have to get too close to you and could overpower you.
The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the
hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and
it doesn’t attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. You could also keep it in your car and it would be legal. I thought this was interesting and it might be of use to lots of ladies…
Not just ladies, how about us seniors?!!!!
NEXT
Two women were playing golf One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve
your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied, ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken
NEXT
After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:
‘Let me see if I’ve got this right.
‘You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
‘You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
‘You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
‘You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.
‘You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
‘You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard,a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
‘You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN’T PRAY
NEXT
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,
and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving
in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
NBA Or NFL ?
Neither, it’s the 435 members of the
United States Congress
The same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
NEXT
I COULDN’T forward this FAST enough………!!
2010 is an election year for 1/3 of the senate and 1/2 of the house of representatives. It would be nice if congress got the message; the voting taxpayers are in charge now.
Social Security 2009
LET US SHOW OUR LEADERS IN WASHINGTON “PEOPLE POWER” AND THE POWER OF THE INTERNET. PLEASE FORWARD TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.
IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU ARE REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT!
KEEP IT GOING!!!!
Propose this in 2009:
START A BILL TO PLACE ALL POLITICIANS ON SOCIAL SECURITY
———— ——— ——— —-
SOCIAL SECURITY:
(This is worth reading. It is short and to the point.)
Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during election years.
Our Senators and Congresswomen do not pay into Social Security and, of course, they do not collect from it.
You see, Social Security benefits were not suitable for persons of their rare elevation in society. They felt they should have a special plan for themselves So, many years ago they voted in their own benefit plan.
In more recent years, no congress person has felt the need to change it. After all, it is a great plan.
For all practical purposes their plan works like this:
When they retire, they continue to draw the same pay until they die.
Except it may increase from time to time for cost of living adjustments. …..
For example, Senator Byrd and Congressman White and their wives may expect to draw $7, 800,000.00 (that’s Seven Million, Eight-Hundred Thousand Dollars), with their wives drawing $275, 000..00 during the last years of their lives.
This is calculated on an average life span for each of those two Dignitaries.
Younger Dignitaries who retire at an early age, will receive much more during the rest of their lives.
Their cost for this excellent plan is $0.00. ZIP!! NADA!!! ZILCH!!!
This little perk they voted for themselves is free to them. You and I pick up the tab for this plan. The funds for this fine retirement plan come directly from the General Funds;
“OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK”!
From our own Social Security Plan, which you and I pay (or have paid) into, every payday until we retire (which amount is matched by our employer ), We can expect to get an average of
$1,000 per month after retirement.
Or, in other words, we would have to collect our average of $1,000 monthly benefits for 68 years and one (1) month to equal Senator Bill Bradley’s benefits!
Social Security could be very good if only one small change were made.
That change would be to
Jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan from under the Senators and Congressmen. . Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us
Then sit back…..
And see how fast they would fix it!
If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted and maybe good changes will evolve.
How many people can YOU send this to?
Better yet……
How many people WILL you send this to ?
P.S. The same goes for their healthplan
NEXT
Blondes Are The
> > Best!
> >
> > A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the
> > next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard
> > barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed
> > and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and goes
> > downstairs.
> > The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband
> > says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been
> > doing?”
> > The blonde says, “I put the dog in OUR backyard.
> > Let’s see how THEY like it!
> > ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > Two Blondes With Hammers
> > Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat
> > for Humanity house. Lynn, who was nailing down house
> > siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and
> > either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
> > Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why
> > are you throwing those nails away?’
> > Lynn explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
> > about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I
> > throw them away.’
> > Judy got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those
> > nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side
> > of the house!’
> > +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > You might have to think twice about this one
> > A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night
> > with the tip of her index finger shot off.
> > “How did this
> > happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.”
> > ‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde
> > replied.
> > ‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to
> > commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’
> > ‘No, silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the
> > gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just paid $6,
> > 000.00 for these implants. I’m not shooting myself in
> > the chest.’
> > ‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
> > ‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I
> > just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m
> > not shooting myself in the mouth.’
> > ‘So then?’
> > ‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This
> > is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my
> > other ear before I pulled the trigger.
> > ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny
> > silver thermos bottle. She was quite fascinated by it,
> > so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it
> > was.
> > The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps
> > hot things hot, and cold things cold.’
> > ‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing. I’m
> > going to buy it!’ So she bought the thermos and took it
> > to work the next day.
> > Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he
> > asked?
> > ‘Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and
> > cold things cold,’ she replied.
> > Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’
> > The blond replied, ‘Two popsicles and some
> > coffee.’
> > +++++++++++++
> > AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
> >
> > A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
> > Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the
> > matter?’
> > The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone
> > call saying that my mother had passed away.’
> > The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t
> > you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and
> > rest.’
> > ‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep
> > my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that
> > here.’
> > The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as
> > usual.
> > A couple of hours pass and
> > the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from
> > his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
> > ‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he
> > asks.
> > ’No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a
> > horrible call from my sister. Her mother died,
> > too!’
> >
NEXT
|
|
NEXT
The Sack Lunches
I put my carry-on in the luggage
compartment and sat down in my
assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. ‘I’m glad I have a
good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,’ I thought.
Just before take-off, a line of
soldiers came down the aisle and
filled all the vacant seats, totally
surrounding me. I decided to
start a conversation. ‘Where are you headed?’ I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.
‘Petawawa. We’ll be there for two
weeks for special training, and then we’re being deployed to Afghanistan.
After flying for about an hour, an
announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time..
As I reached for my wallet, I
overheard a soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch.
‘No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn’t be worth five bucks. I’ll wait till we get to base.’
His friend agreed.
I looked around at the other
soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a
fifty dollar bill. ’Take a lunch to all those soldiers.’ She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. ‘My son was a
soldier in Iraq ; it’s almost like you are doing it for him.’
Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers
were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, ‘Which do you like best – beef or chicken?’
‘Chicken,’ I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. ‘This is your thanks..’
After we finished eating, I went
again to the back of the plane,
heading for the rest room.
A man stopped me. ‘I saw what you did. I want to be part of it.
Here, take this.’ He handed me twenty-five dollars.
Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, and said, ‘I want to shake your hand.’
Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I
stood and took the Captain’s hand. With a booming voice he said, ‘I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.’ I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.
Later I walked to the front of the
plane so I could stretch my legs.
A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
When we landed I gathered my
belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!
Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. ‘It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich.
God Bless You.’
Ten young men left that flight
feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked
briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return.
These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only
give them a couple of meals.
It seemed so little…
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to ‘The United States of America ‘ for an amount of ‘up to and including my life.’
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.’
May God give you the strength and courage to pass this along to
everyone on your email buddy
NEXT
Little Johnny strikes again
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.’
The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating.’
Sally raised her hand. She said,’My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated.’
The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word ‘fascinate.’
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him for his
offering.
Johnny said, ‘My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.’
The teacher sat down and cried.
NEXT
I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to Fuck off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!!
NEXT
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
Slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping
a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her
coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the
boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor? ”
‘No,’ the woman replied. I’m with the I.R..S.’
NEXT
| Holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said,
‘Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like. ‘
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in..
In the middle of the room was a large round table..
In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew,
which smelled delicious and made the holy man’ s mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly.
They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.
But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said, ‘ You have seen Hell. They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.
The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The holy man said, ‘I don’t understand.
‘It is simple,’ said the Lord.’ It requires but one skill.
You see, they have learned to feed each other.
The greedy think only of themselves. ‘
When Jesus died on the cross, he was thinking of you.
Its estimated 93% won ‘ t forward this.
If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title ‘ 7% ‘ .
I ‘ m in the 7%
Remember that I will always share my spoon with you |
NEXT
*This is something we should all read often!
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It
is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.”
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey
is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never
blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up
to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an
answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t
;save it for a special occasion. Today is special .
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will
this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s,we’d grab
ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
Its estimated 93% won’t forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will,
forward this with the title ’7%’.
I’m in the 7%.
Remember that I will always share my spoon with you!
*
*Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.*
THE END – HOPE YOU ENJOYED THEM – UNCLE FRED
Topics: HUMOR FROM BUDDIES | No Comments »