Humor & Stuff from Buddies Nov. 17th, 2009 at Chipping from the Rough

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Humor & Stuff from Buddies Nov. 17th, 2009

By fred | November 17, 2009

HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES Nov. 17^th, 2009

Wow, last night I figured the house was going to blow down, talk about gale force winds! Rain last week and the next seven days say all rain or showers – ha, the great northwest we love so dearly.

O. K. are there any of you that have tried Roy Reilly’s cinnamon and honey cure for everything in his world treatment? Remember I copied it and gave it to you about a week and a half ago. OPEN NOT TO ROY —During that week Roy, my dear buddy, I had the worst back muscle pull ever, took over a week to recover. ALSO best buddy, I have had the worst cold, running nose, the whole tamale, just getting over that. Why is this happening, every day religiously I have had my spoonful of honey and my quarter spoonful of cinnamon. According to YOUR %^&$%^&$% cure I should be running around healthy as a kid again. I will continue for another week, however I am wondering just where you got that super cure you mailed me. Ha, well – is it yet another of the famous Reilly bits of humor??

Another buddy, Dale Martinusen sent me one about onions – I am featuring it as the first letter / etc. in our today’s Humor & Stuff from buddies. It is about onions and garlic, my Mom would tell me that one was likely true. Of course there were a lot of remedies back in the oooooooold days.

I remember when the deadly flu hit and people were tons were dying in the 1940’s, our retail store of Scandinavian import foods was packed for weeks on end around Christmas, money coming in by the fist full, if you want to kill yourself working 20 hours a day for weeks have a Scandinavian store like we had, dead as hell the rest of the year but you get rich in a few weeks. ANYWAY, that was the height of the deadly flu season, my Dad made every clerk, worker, even me as a kid drink a cup of black coffee with a shot of Bourbon whiskey in it twice a day.

At the time I hated it, but Dad insisted I had to drink it. NOT ONE OF OUR EMPLOYEES got sick, and there were a lot of customers, coughing and sneezing, etc, in our faces as we served them. So – don’t knock all the old time remedies some of them had to be good.

Anyway, be sure to read Dale’s letter on garlic and onions AND REMEMBER – so far to stay healthy – the following must be done if you are keeping up on this health column I am writing! –

Daily (each morning) you must take a tablespoon of honey with a quarter teaspoon of cinnamon. After taking that be sure to place fresh whole onions in bowls in each room of your home. To be double sure slice a few and stick em on the bottom of your feet (not sure how you do that – read Dale’s letter) presume the socks will hold the onions. After they (the onions) have been on you feet for a day or so, I am not sure if you can use em in the stew kettle or not, will get back to Dale on this and let you know, a shame to waste all those onions.

I can assure you that something will happen using these two treatments but not sure yet exactly what!

Sorry something has to give, I begged all to stop sending me stuff that has to be sent to so many others with in a short time, the don’t break the thread stuff, I realize it is all very worth while. Stories about our super soldiers, religious stuff, etc, etc. Last week one day, now think about that, — in one day – if I passed on all the stuff sent me I would have mailed each of you 22 “pass it on” deals. So PLEASE when you send these out leave me off the lists.

Maybe over the years I have picked up a few more buddies than most of you so my list is longer. So – if you forget to stop sending them I will just send them back to you to remind you. Hey, I love our soldiers, but sending me dozens of stuff about keeping the message moving, and what I really hate, truly hate – is the ones where bad stuff can happen IF YOU DO NOT FORWARD THAT MESSAGE, or if YOU DO SEND IT TO A MILLION OF YOUR BUDDIES HOW YOU WILL BLESSED, GET RICH – I am superstitious enough to worry about stuff like that. If you think I should see something – take off the bottom stuff about having to send it along to others – that would be super.

At any rate, no matter how heart touching, how you feel about something some one sent you just think a bit before passing it on. Do you want 20 or 30 back that day?? I think not so leave me off the list unless you take off the send out to the world immediately stuff.

This is a long, long, humor and stuff so better read it when you have time. Some super stuff here, about some scams, and some super humor.

Have fun! Love ya, Uncle Fred

START OF HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES

This is one from Dale —-

Subject: Onions & the Flu

Many of you will laugh at these “natural” flu treatments but I remember
my mom (Italian from Sutter Creek) telling about how my grandmother would
make them wear fresh garlic cloves in a pouch on a string to school when
there were flu and colds going around (must have smelled awesome!) and
they used raw onions in the house as well at the same time. They were
always healthy or darn lucky!

I grew up believing in it as well as
medicating the feet and putting socks over them. My kids were so
healthy; I rarely had to do anything more than mustard plasters.
A friend of mine told me a story about how when he was a kid he was in
the hospital & near dying. His Italian grandmother came to the hospital
& told a family member to go buy her a large onion & a new pair of white
cotton socks. She sliced the onion open then put a slice on the bottom
of each of his feet & put the white cotton socks on him. In the morning
when he awoke they removed the socks. The slices of onion were black &
his fever was gone.

The following story that someone sent to me might
have some truth in it & we are going to try this winter.
In 1919 when the flu killed 40 million people there was this Doctor
that visited the many farmers to see if he could help them combat the
flu.

Many of the farmers and their family had contracted it and many died.
The doctor came upon this one farmer and to his surprise, everyone was
very healthy.

When the doctor asked what the farmer was doing that was different
the wife replied that she had placed an unpeeled onion in a dish in the
rooms of the home, (probably only two rooms back then).

The doctor couldn’t believe it and asked if he could have one of the
onions and place it under the microscope. She gave him one and when he
did this, he did find the flu virus in the onion. It obviously absorbed
the bacteria, therefore, keeping the family healthy.

Now, I heard this story from my hairdresser in AZ. She said that
several years ago many of her employees were coming down with the flu
and so were many of her customers. The next year she placed
several bowls with onions around in her shop. To her surprise, none of
her staff got sick. It must work.. (And no, she is not in the onion
business.)

The moral of the story is, buy some onions and place them in bowls
around your home. If you work at a desk, place one or two in your
office or under your desk or even on top somewhere. Try it and see
what happens. We did it last year and we never got the flu.

If this helps you and your loved ones from getting sick, all the
better. If you do get the flu, it just might be a mild case..
Whatever, what have you to lose? Just a few bucks on onions!!!!!!

Now there is a P. S. to this for I sent it to a friend in Oregon who
regularly contributes material to me on health issues. She replied with
this most interesting experience about onions:

Thanks for the reminder. I don’t know about the
farmers story…but, I do know that I contacted pneumonia and needless to
say I was very ill…I came across an article that said to cut both ends
off an onion put one end on a fork and then place the forked end into an
empty jar…placing the jar next to the sick patient at night. It said
the onion would be black in the morning from the germs…sure enough
it happened just like that…the onion was a mess and I began to
feel better.

Another thing I read in the article was that onions and garlic placed
around the room saved many from the black plague years ago. They have
powerful antibacterial, antiseptic properties.

New Virus (NO JOKE)

This is legitimate. Please pass this along to your friends.

The newest virus circulating is
The UPS/FedEx/DHL Delivery Failure.

You will receive an email from UPS/Fed Ex Service along with a packet number..
It will say that they were unable to deliver
A package sent to you on such-and-such a date.

It then asks you to print out
The invoice copy attached.

DON’T TRY TO PRINT THIS.
IT LAUNCHES THE VIRUS!

Pass this warning on to all your PC operators
At work and home.

This virus has caused Millions of dollars
In damage in the past few days.

Snopes confirms that it is real.

http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/ups.asp

And from Margaret my Aussie buddy from ‘down under’ —-

Kevin the Rooster

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several

Hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten roosters,

To fertilize the pullets’ eggs. Trevor kept records and any rooster that

didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an

awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them

to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell

from a distance, which rooster was performing? Now he could sit on the

verandah and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the

bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he

was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin’s bell

hadn’t rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were

chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters

coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor’s amazement, Kevin had

his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do

his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he

entered him into the Brisbane Royal Show and Kevin became an overnight

sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also

awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Kevin was a politician

in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two

of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at

sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying

attention.

Do you know Politicians called Kevin?

ANOTHER ONE FROM MARGARET DOWN UNDER – MAKES SENSE!

A friend of mine opened his wife’s underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:

‘This, – he said – isn’t any ordinary package.’

He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

‘She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on , was saving it for a special occasion.

Well, I guess this is it.

He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died.

He turned to me and said:

‘Never save something for a special occasion.

Every day in your life is a special occasion’.

I still think those words changed my life.

Now I read more and clean less.

I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.

I spend more time with my family, and less at work.

I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through.

I no longer keep anything.

I use crystal glasses every day…

I’ll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.

I don’t save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to.

The words ‘Someday…’ and ‘ One Day…’ are fading away from my dictionary.

;

If it’s worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now…

I don’t know what my friend’s wife would have done if she knew she wouldn’t be there the next morning, this nobody can tell.

I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends. She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.

I’d like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food.

It’s these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come..

Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.

If you got this, it’s because someone cares for you and because, probably, there’s someone you care about.

If you’re too busy to send this out to other people and you say to yourself that you will send it ‘One of these days’ , remember that ‘One day’ is far away… or might never come…

Mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday. Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.

ust try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! It is the last paragraph that will do it!!!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…?

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

‘If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.’

The Swamp sent this classic—

I’m not really concerned about swine flu.. Here’s my concern…

3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow …..Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird …..Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig …. swine flu.
Next year is the year of the cock ………Anybody else worried?

Why we love children

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .’

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

Maxine’s Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

Here is the solution: While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you’re a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can’t afford to take care of you anymore. You don’t need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.
So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets. You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney,lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income tax.

Why keep aspirin by your bedside?

About Heart Attacks

There are other symptoms of an heart attack besides the pain on the left arm.
One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur less frequently.

Note: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack. The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their sleep, did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.

If that happens, immediately dissolve two aspirins in your mouth (under your tongue) and swallow them with a bit of water.

Afterwards:
- phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by
- say ”heart attack!”
- say that you have taken 2 aspirins.
- take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for their arrival and…
~ do NOT lie down ~
A Cardiologist has stated that, if each person, after receiving this e-mail, sends it to 10 people, probably one life can be saved!

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct.. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________ TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

George Carlin’s Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

‘How old are you?’ ’I'm four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling.. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone…

But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into ! your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s family name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6…. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s
Christmas Party.. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the
Party…

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack
Had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a
Couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
Next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
Pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
Cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
Bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
Red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
Make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. ‘

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
Steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
Table, eating.

Jack asks,’ Son… What happened last night?’

‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
Over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
And got that black eye when you ran into the door.’

Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order
And so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’

His son replies, ‘Oh THAT!…Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
Tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone bitch, I’m
Married!!”

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time……PRICELESS

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

‘Come now,’ coaxed the doctor, ‘you’ve been seeing me for years.

There’s nothing you can’t tell me.’

‘This one’s kind of strange…’

‘Let me be the judge of that, ‘The doctor replied’.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.’

‘I see.’

‘That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl

‘

‘That night,’ she went on, ‘I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!

You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!’ she implored.

‘I’m scared out of my wits!’

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

‘There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about.’

(Ready for this?)

(I’m warning You…..)

(Still not too late….delete now!)

‘You’re simply going through the change!

THE BLONDE AND
THE COW”

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today,so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow’s stall is in
the barn.. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.. Amy takes him down
to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail,
she tells him, ‘This is the one right here.’
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, ‘Tell me
lady, ’cause I’m dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right
cow to be bred?’ ‘That’s simple she said, by the nail that’s over its stall,’ she explains
very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, ‘And what, pray tell,
is the nail for?’ The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, ’I
guess it’s to hang your pants on.’
(It’s nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.

Dr. Vinay Goyal is an MBBS,DRM,DNB (Intensivist and Thyroid specialist) having clinical experience of over 20 years. He has worked in institutions like Hinduja Hospital , Bombay Hospital , Saifee Hospital , Tata Memorial etc.. Presently, he is heading our Nuclear Medicine Department and Thyroid clinic at Riddhivinayak Cardiac and Critical Centre, Malad (W).

The following message given by him, I feel makes a lot of sense and is important for all to know

The only portals of entry are the nostrils and mouth/throat. In a global epidemic of this nature, it’s almost impossible to avoid coming into contact with H1N1 in spite of all precautions. Contact with H1N1 is not so much of a problem as proliferation is.

While you are still healthy and not showing any symptoms of H1N1 infection, in order to prevent proliferation, aggravation of symptoms and development of secondary infections, some very simple steps, not fully highlighted in most official communications, can be practiced (instead of focusing on how to stock N95 or Tamiflu):

1. Frequent hand-washing (well highlighted in all official communications).

2. “Hands-off-the-face” approach. Resist all temptations to touch any part of face (unless you want to eat, bathe or slap).

3. *Gargle twice a day with warm salt water (use Listerine if you don’t trust salt). *H1N1 takes 2-3 days after initial infection in the throat/ nasal cavity to proliferate and show characteristic symptoms. Simple gargling prevents proliferation. In a way, gargling with salt water has the same effect on a healthy individual that Tamiflu has on an infected o ne. Don’t underestimate this simple, inexpensive and powerful preventative method.

4. Similar to 3 above, *clean your nostrils at least once every day with warm salt water. *Not everybody may be good at Jala Neti or Sutra Neti (very good Yoga asanas to clean nasal cavities), but *blowing the nose hard once a day and swabbing both nostrils with cotton buds dipped in warm salt water is very effective in bringing down viral population.*

5.. *Boost your natural immunity with foods that are rich in Vitamin C (Amla and other citrus fruits). *If you have to supplement with Vitamin C tablets, make sure that it also has Zinc to boost absorption.

6. *Drink as much of warm liquids (tea, coffee, etc) as you can. *Drinking warm liquids has the same effect as gargling, but in the reverse direction. They wash off proliferating viruses from the throat into the stomach where they cannot survive, proliferate or do any harm.

Our buddy Dale was in the hospital quite a lot this year – he sends some excellent advise for us elders that may have to be in one of those sometime. Read on——

Hi Gang: During the last six or seven years I have (for one reason

or another), found myself as the “Guest” of one, or the other of

three Hospitals in this general area.

One of these establishments is pretty good, another is So,so, and

the third (don’t ask).

Just thought I’d send out a little “Caveat” on how to survive.

#1 (Very important), Never (ever, ever) ask for a Urinal then allow

that person to leave your room without producing same. (note:) The

terms I’ll be right back, just a second, hold on, or any similar

remark just means that once through the door of your room, you are

history. You may see that person sometime later,(Probably by

Thursday), but unlikely before then.

#2 Food! We’ve all heard jokes about Hospital food (believe me) they

weren’t joking.

Last Friday I bit into a Beef Steak and it “Crunched”.

#3 If you have a strong enough stomach to eat the food, never allow

visitors or the people visiting your room mate to (take a little

taste) of your meal. I can’t imagine what these folks exist on at

home but hope I’m never a guest of theirs.

Gotta go now…. Later… Dale

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.”

Hello everyone,
> This is not an indictment of Wal-Mart. This can happen at any store if you use your debit or credit card. With the come of the holiday shopping season, this is a great reminder to take the time to check our receipts, make sure we get our credit cards back, and just try to slow down and be aware in a time where we are all in a hurry and a little stressed out.
>
> Stay safe, keep looking out for your neighbors and call the police about suspicious activity!! Officer Ron Francis Officer Jeff Wamboldt Kenosha Police Department A SCAM BEING CARRIED ON BY STORE CLERKS It happened at Wal-Mart a month ago. I bought a bunch of stuff, over $150, & I glanced at my receipt as the cashier was handing me the bags. I saw a cash-back of $40. I told her I didn’t
> request a cash back & to delete it. She said I’d have to take the $40 because she couldn’t delete it. I told her to call a supervisor. Supervisor came & said I’d have
> to take it. I said NO! Taking the $40 would be a cash advance against my Discover & I wasn’t paying interest on a cash advance!!!!! If they couldn’t delete it then they would have to delete the whole order. So the supervisor had the cashier delete the whole order & re-scan everything! The second time I looked at the electronic pad before I signed & a cash-back of $20 popped up. At that point I told the cashier & she deleted it. The total came out right. The cashier agreed that the electronic pad must be defective. Obviously the cashier knew the electronic pad was defective because she NEVER offered me the $40 at the beginning. Can you imagine how many people went through before me & at the end of her shift how much money she pocketed?
>
> Just to alert everyone. My co worker went to Wal-Mart last week. She had her items rung up by the cashier. The cashier hurried her along and didn’t give her a receipt. She asked the cashier for a receipt and the cashier was annoyed and gave it to her. My co worker didn’t look at her receipt until later that night. The receipt showed that she asked for $20 cash back. SHE DID NOT ASK FOR CASH BACK! My co-worker called Wal-Mart who investigated but could not see the cashier pocket the money. She then called her niece who works for the bank and her niece told her this. This is a new scam going on. The cashier will key in that you asked for cash back and then hand it to her friend who is the next person in line.
>
> Please, please, please check your receipts right away when using credit or debit cards! This is NOT limited to Wal-Mart, although they are the largest retailer so they have the most incidents
>
> I am adding to this. My husband and I were in Wal-Mart and paying with credit card when my husband went to sign the credit card signer he just happen to notice there was a $20 cash back added. He told the cashier that he did not ask nor want cash back and she said this machine has been messing up and she cancelled it. We really didn’t think anything of it until we read this email. THIS SCAM CAN BE DONE ANYWHERE, AT ANY RETAIL OR WHOLESALE LOCATION!!!

Drafting Guys over 60—-this is funny

& obviously written by a Former Soldier-

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I know a guy over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks he’s too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill something that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.. Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical S O B.

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50… in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol…. they will have it secured the first night!

Here’s a number worth putting in your cell
> > phone, or your home phone speed
> > dial: 1-800-goog411. This is an awesome
> > service from Google, and it’s free — great when you
> > are driving on the road
> > with no pen, pencil or paper
> > handy.  Don’t waste your money on
> > information calls and don’t waste your time manually
> > dialing the number. I am
> > driving along in my car and I need to call the golf course
> > and I don’t know the
> > number. I hit the speed dial for information that I have
> > programmed.
> > The voice at the other end says,
> > “City & State.”
> > I say,
> > “ Garland , Texas .”
> > He says, “Business, Name or Type of
> > Service.”
> > I say,
> > Firewheel Golf Course.”
> > He
> > says, “Connecting” and Firewheel answers the
> > phone.
> > How great is that?
> > This is nationwide and it is
> > absolutely free!
> >
> > Click on the link below and watch the short clip for a
> > quick demonstration.
> >
> > http://www.google.com/goog411/index.html
> >

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS
  FEEL WARM & FUZZY….


A six year old goes to the
  hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the
  hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s
  room…
“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes
  into the room, make a noise like a frog!”
“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you
  croak, we’re all going to DisneyLand !”

—

Subject: Fwd: HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS…..

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS…..

     I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

    And all the patients were shouting, ‘13….13….13.’

    The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a

    Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see

    What was going on…..

    Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

    Then they all started shouting ‘14….14….14′…

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game”

when we are already there?

10. Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

12.. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control

when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27.Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

I dunno, why do we?

No nursing home for me..I’m checking into

the Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing

home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way

when we get old & feeble. We have already

checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined

long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $49.23

per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast,

lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service,

laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they

provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and

washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and

all have free shampoo and soap.

$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff

scrambling to help you. They treat you like a

customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front,

and seniors ride free. The handicap bus

will also pick you up (if you fake a decent

limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on

Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus

and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While

you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the

cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday

Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck

in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or

even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They

have a Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress

replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and

apologize for the

inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room

service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not,

they will call the undertaker or an

ambulance. If you fall and break a hip,

Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade

you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will

always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few

days mini-vacation. Or, the kids could pay for a

nursing home policy to protect THEIR inheritance.

(Never understood why we have to pay more so they can

have more. Thought that is why we paid for college–so

they could provide for themselves,) The grand kids can

use the pool.

What more can you ask for?So, when we reach

that golden age, we’ll face it with a

grin.

Just forward all my email

to:

For a few $ more you can upgrade to

Marriott

Kim sent this – have known her since she was a little girl – June and Bob Stevenson her Mom and Dad – such dear friends. Now Kim, my little girl is a mother of grown kids – where did the years go?? Uncle Fred

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.”

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother!
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Subject: Economic Stimulus payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic

Stimulus payment. This is an exciting program. I’ll explain it using the

Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to

taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgeon.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a

high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy

by spending

your stimulus check wisely:

1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money

will go to China.

2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the

Arabs.

3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.

4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to

Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

6. If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

7. If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will

go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1. spending it at yard sales, or

2. going to ball games, or

3. spending it on prostitutes, or

4. beer or

5. tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the

US.)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a

yard sale and drink beer all day.

A Drunk man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol whereupon he asks the drunk
‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
The drunk shouts ‘Yes I am!’
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk
‘Brother have you found Jesus?’
The drunk replies ‘No I haven’t found Jesus.’
The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again ‘Have you found Jesus my brother?’
The drunk again answers ‘No I haven’t found Jesus!’
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk ‘For the love of God have you found Jesus?’

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HELLO ….. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat