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Humor & Stuff from Buddies – Dec. 12th, 2009
By fred | December 12, 2009
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – December 12th, 2009
This morning I woke up with a beautiful black eye, red eye, whatever! Have no idea how that happened. The rat poison I take that thins the blood must have something to do with it or the breathing mask I have to wear at night could have done something – will see Doug my doctor Monday and find out. Right now I dare not go outside or all my buddies in the neighborhood will think Sally finally had enough of me and gave me a sock. Life in the fast lane, how fragile we become as we get older – but this miracle black eye is a first!
Snow is supposed to enter our lives here in the Great Northwest tonight, it has been in the twenties every night for some time and some days did not get over 32 so we have been lucky so far not having the dreaded white stuff. Beautiful but if you have to shovel a ton of the stuff to get your car out to go to the store or a doctor appointment; it is not my favorite pastime. Fortunately across the street is Gary Nelson my great Norwegian, he usually comes and helps me when I am in bad, bad trouble. Sometimes buddies are badly needed.
The other night I was ‘thinking’ yes, believe it or not I do that now and then – now many of my friends will say, “Thinking? Fred actually has a brain?” Or some other smart ass may say “Thinking is a process Fred never did before!” Well, they may be right but I did think about our life, the age we lived in the other night when I was in bed trying to sleep.
All of us elders born in the 1920 and 1930’s even in the 1940’s – we have likely seen changes that few generations ever saw or ever will see again. From maybe only one household in ten having a phone (remember those ugly black things) to computer that send messages around the world in seconds. TV to watch games, shows, whatever, in every home. All the gadgets in the homes, the kitchens. I remember when we had an “ice box” and an ice man that delivered a big block of ice when ever we put a card in the window so he would know we needed more. No such thing as a refrigerator, a freezer, was never even heard of in a home.
Planes that can get you most any place in the world in a few hours. Luxury boats to vacation on. Cars that can hit 80 to 100 miles per hour if you don’t get a traffic ticket. Homes built with all the modern heating, air conditioning. Medicines to heal and treat folks.
We have seen changes in the world in our lifetimes that have advanced mankind more than any other time in the history of the world.
If I go tomorrow – I gotta say it was a fun, a wildly interesting time to live, only we didn’t realize it at the time, our lives were certainly not boring. I am Thankful that God let me live during these amazing times.
The one thing I am not happy about is the gross stupidity of man. Instead of learning that war and killing is stupid – all we have is more and more killing, learning to kill faster, more people dying. All that wasted money on killing, the military complex eating up billions and folks still starving in our world. Think of what those billions of dollars could do to even further advance the health, the knowledge of man. How can we people be so brilliant and yet so stupid! That is what I will never understand!
We have an interesting Humor & Stuff from Buddies this time, although I was disappointed that no one sent in anything to get us healthy – the onions didn’t work, the honey and cinnamon didn’t work, I am ready for the next ‘wonder’ treatment or thing you can dream up! Get with it and send in your favorite “Get Well & Stay Well” ideas! I can use it – your old buddy will try anything – once at least!
In a few days we will return to Everybody’s Danish and my year in the U. S. Army back in 1949 and 50.
Love ya, Uncle Fred
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Subject: How to Negotiate, Mexican Style . . .
|
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The lady of the house was very upset about this and She asked: ‘Now Maria, Maria: ‘Well, Señora, there are The first is that I iron better than you..’ Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’ Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..’ Wife: ‘So, how much do you want?’ |
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“ A definite send to all those born prior to 1970…….interesting reading and so very true……..”
Here’s to US!!!!
No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,
WE ARE AWESOME !!!!
OUR LIFE IS LIVING PROOF !!!!
To Those of Us Born
1930 – 1979
At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno.. If you don’t read anything else, please read what he said.
Very well stated, Mr. Leno.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930’s, 40’s, 50’s,
60’s and 70’s!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren’t overweight.. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing…that’s why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s,
no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it ?
~
The quote of the month is by
Jay Leno:
‘With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance
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Three men were hiking through a forest
when they came upon a large raging, Violent river.
Needing to get to the other side,
the first man prayed:
‘God, please give me the strength to cross the river.’
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs
and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
‘God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river’
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms
and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour
after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men,
the third man prayed:
‘God,please give me the strength,
the tools and the intelligence
to cross the river’
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map,
hiked one
hundred yards up stream
and walked across the bridge.
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From Margaret my super buddy from “Down Under!”
Recently, in a large city in France,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, “This summer,
do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”
A middle-aged woman,
whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don’t exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don’t have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them … where is IT?
Therefore, they don’t have kids either.
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.
P..S. We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
With time, we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren’t heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨
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Don’t break the elastic!
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was ‘exciting…’
Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day…..like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.
The audience laughed so hard they cried.. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
Maya Angelou said this:
‘I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.’
’I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.’
’I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.’
’I've learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as ‘making a life.’
’I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.’
’I've learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back…’
’I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.’
’I've learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.’
’I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.’
’I've learned that I still have a lot to learn…’
’I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’
Please send this to five phenomenal women today… and back to me if you think i’m one also.
If you do, something good will happen: You will boost another woman’s self-esteem..
If you don’t…the elastic will break and your underpants will fall down around your ankles!
Believe me, I didn’t take any chances on MY elastic breaking…. I sent it to a lot of special women I care for.
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Subject: I like this Teacher
A lesson that should be taught in all schools . . And colleges
Back in September, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies school teacher at Robinson High School , did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks out of her classroom.
When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks.
‘Ms.. Cothren, where’re our desks?’
She replied, ‘You can’t have a desk until you tell me how you earn the right to sit at a desk.’
They thought, ‘Well, maybe it’s our grades.’
‘No,’ she said.
‘Maybe it’s our behavior.’
She told them, ‘No, it’s not even your behavior.’
And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still no desks in the classroom.
By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms.Cothren’s classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.
The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the desk less classroom, Martha Cothren said, ‘Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you.’
At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it.
Twenty-seven (27) War Veterans, all in uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall… By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned..
Martha said, ‘You didn’t earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it’s up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. Don’t ever forget it.’
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Subject: Fw: ATHLETES]
> >
>
> /WHY ATHLETES CAN’T HAVE REGULAR JOBS…
>
> /
>
> /1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’
> all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to
> copulate me.”
>
> /
>
> /2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the// upcoming
> season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
>
> /
>
> /3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skin’s say: “I’d run over my
> own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
> “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
>
> /
>
> /4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
>
> John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
>
> /
>
> /5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
>
> “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
>
> like Norman Einstein.”
>
> /
>
> /6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
>
> “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
>
> (Now that is beautiful)
>
> /
>
> /7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up
> alphabetically by height..” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three,
> and then line up in a circle.”
>
> /
>
> /8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
>
> “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
> three years, not Princeton .”
>
> /
>
> /9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why
>
> he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
>
> “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
>
> clothes.”
>
> /
>
> /10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training
>
> regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets
>
> up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”
>
> /
>
> /11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
>
> explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous
>
> at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if
>
> I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
> (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
>
> /
>
> /12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
>
> “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’
>
> He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”
>
> /
>
> /13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
>
> what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks
>
> to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
>
> /
>
> /14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford, ‘I can go to my
> left or right, I am amphibious.’
>
> /
>
> /15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked
>
> by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
>
> responded: “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”
>
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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:
Ø 20-ish…………………………….29.
Ø Adventurous……………………..Slept with everyone.
Ø Athletic…………………………..No breasts.
Ø Average looking…………………Moooo.
Ø Beautiful…………………………Pathological liar.
Ø Emotionally Secure………………On medication.
Ø Feminist………………………….Fat.
Ø Free Spirit……………………………Junkie.
Ø Friendship first…………………..Former Slut.
Ø New-Age…………………….Body hair in the wrong places.
Ø Old-fashioned……………………No B.J.’s
Ø Open-minded…………………….Desperate.
Ø Outgoing…………………………Loud and embarrassing.
Ø Professional…………….. ……….Bitch.
Ø Voluptuous………………………Very fat.
Ø Large frame………………………Hugely fat.
Ø Wants soul mate…………………Stalker.
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Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old,
of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:”
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God.. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ”In five years, will this matter?”.
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything.. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38.Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
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An Irish priest was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church
Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
”Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O’Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church.
There’s a Donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn ”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was
always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O’Malley replied:
“Ah, ‘to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”
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WHEN I’M AN OLD LADY
by Joanne Bailey Baxter
When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness just as they did
I want to pay back all the joy they provided
Returning each deed! Oh they’ll be so excited!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids…)
I’ll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture… wearing my shoes
I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they’ll shout!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids…)
When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head
And when that is done, I’ll hide under the bed.
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids…)
When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry…I’ll run… If I’m able!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids…)
I’ll sit close to the TV., through the channels I’ll click
I’ll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And I’ll play in the mud ’till the end of the day!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids…)
And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a graon, “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”
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GUYS AND GALS – DON’T BLAME ME – EDDIE SENT EM – WORST JOKES I EVER READ!
| 1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it”. “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. ”Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.” 2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, … and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.” 4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with … transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 5. Back in the 1800’s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, … ”He who has a Tate’s is lost!” 6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.” 7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.” 8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.” 9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that … the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.” |
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| Because he said …. My wife only has sex with me for specific purposes … last night she used me to time an egg. It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’ I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’ My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka Seltzer. I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. |
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Subject: Fw: It Don’t Cost Nuthin’ to be Nice – A Bear Bryant Story
Subject: It Don’t Cost Nuthin to be Nice
It Don’t Cost Nuthin’ to be Nice
At a Touchdown Club meeting many years before his death, Coach Paul Bear
Bryant told the following story:
I had just been named the new head coach at Alabama and was off in my old
car down in South Alabama recruiting a prospect who was supposed to have
been a pretty good player and I was having trouble finding the place.
Getting hungry I spied an old cinder block building with a small sign out
front that simply said, Restaurant.
I pull up, go in and every head in the place turns to stare at me. Seems I’m
the only white fella in the place. But the food smelled good so I skip a
table and go up to a cement bar and sit. A big ole man in a tee shirt and
cap comes over and says, What do you need?I told him I needed lunch and what
did they have today? He says, You probably won’t like it here, today we’re
having chitlins, collared greens and black eyed peas with cornbread. I’ll
bet you don’t even know what chitlins (small intestines of hogs prepared as
food in the deep South) are, do you? I looked him square in the eye and
said, I’m from Arkansas , I’ve probably eaten a mile of them. Sounds like
I’m in the right place. They all smiled as he left to serve me up a big
plate. When he comes back he says,
You ain’t from around here then?
I explain I’m the new football coach up in Tuscaloosa at the University and
I’m here to find whatever that boy’s name was and he says, yeah I’ve heard
of him, he’s supposed to be pretty good. And he gives me directions to the
school so I can meet him and his coach.
As I’m paying up to leave, I remember my manners and leave a tip, not too
big to be flashy, but a good one and he told me lunch was on him, but I told
him for a lunch that good, I felt I should pay.
The big man asked me if I had a photograph or something he could hang up to
show I’d been there. I was so new that I didn’t have any yet. It really
wasn’t that big a thing back then to be asked for, but I took a napkin and
wrote his name and address on it and told him I’d get him one.
I met the kid I was looking for later that afternoon and I don’t remember
his name, but do remember I didn’t think much of him when I met him. I had
wasted a day, or so I thought.
When I got back to Tuscaloosa late that night, I took that napkin from my
shirt pocket and put it under my keys so I wouldn’t forget it. Back then I
was excited that anybody would want a picture of me. The next day we found a
picture and I wrote on it, Thanks for the best lunch I’ve ever had.
Now let’s go a whole buncha years down the road. Now we have black players
at Alabama and I’m back down in that part of the country scouting an
offensive lineman we sure needed. Y’all remember, (and I forget the name,
but it’s not important to the story), well anyway, he’s got two friends
going to Auburn and he tells me he’s got his heart set on Auburn too, so I
leave empty handed and go on see some others while I’m down there.
Two days later, I’m in my office in Tuscaloosa and the phone rings and it’s
this kid who just turned me down, and he says, Coach, do you still want me
at Alabama ? And I said, Yes I sure do. And he says OK, he’ll come. And I
say, Well son, what changed your mind? And he said, When my grandpa found
out that I had a chance to play for you and said no, he pitched a fit and
told me I wasn’t going nowhere but Alabama, and wasn’t playing for nobody
but you. He thinks a lot of you and has ever since y’all met. Well, I didn’t
know his granddad from Adam’s housecat so I asked him who his granddaddy was
and he said, You probably don’t remember him, but you ate in his restaurant
your first year at Alabama and you sent him a picture that he’s had hung in
that place ever since. That picture’s his pride and joy and he still tells
everybody about the day that Bear Bryant came in and had chitlins with him.
My grandpa said that when you left there, he never expected you to remember
him or to send him that picture, but you kept your word to him and to
Grandpa, that’s everything. He said you could teach me more than football
and I had to play for a man like you, so I guess I’m going to.
I was floored. But I learned that the lessons my mama taught me were always
right. It don’t cost nuthin to be nice. It don’t cost nuthin to do the right
thing most of the time, and it costs a lot to lose your good name by breakin
your word to someone.
When I went back to sign that boy, I looked up his Grandpa and he’s still
running that place, but it looks a lot better now; and he didn’t have
chitlins that day, but he had some ribs that woulda made Dreamland proud and
I made sure I posed for a lot of pictures; and don’t think I didn’t leave
some new ones for him, too, along with a signed football.
I made it clear to all my assistants to keep this story and these lessons in
mind when they’re out on the road. If you remember anything else from me,
remember this. It really doesn’t cost anything to be nice, and the rewards
can be unimaginable.
~ Coach Paul Bear Bryant ~
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| Japanese Hotel Service A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan … Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. ‘I’m afraid not, sir,’ the clerk told him apologetically, ‘but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.’ Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures, $20.00′. The next machine had a sign that read, ‘This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.’ With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit…….. Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.. |
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INTERESTING – ABE LINCOLN AND THANKSGIVING
Proclamation Establishing Thanksgiving Day
October 3, 1863
The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God. In the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle, or the ship; the axe had enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years, with large increase of freedom.
No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy.
It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and voice by the whole American people. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to his tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union.
In testimony whereof, I have hereunto set my hand, and caused the seal of the United States to be affixed.
Done at the city of Washington, this third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the independence of the United States the eighty-eighth.
A. Lincoln
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Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent..
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. - Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. “Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”
THE END – MORE NEXT WEEK
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