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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – Jan. 3rd, 2010
By fred | January 3, 2010
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – January 3rd, 2010
Well, here we are already several days into the new year of 2010 and there already seems to be some controversy about the year. The controversy seems to be how to call the year, do you call it “twenty – ten” or go for the longer version of “two thousand and ten”.
Nobody is asking but I will go for the shorter version of “twenty – ten” thank you.
Your old “Ba Hum Bug” buddy is starting to feel better about the world in general, why I get in such a “funk” for the holidays somehow is something I can’t seem to overcome – we had such great times when we were younger, of course all my family, Sally and Jack’s family – all were alive then, we had such huge house parties then for the Christmas season, hard for me to forget and not be sad at all of those truly wonderful relations not being here now.
An old high school buddy Bobby Lieberknecht called from down in Carpentaria, California to see if he could cheer me up, I guess Bob thought my Christmas letter was morbid, sad or something, – was it that bad?
Bob talked to Sally, because I was in the John at the time, somehow I forgot to call him back. Sorry Bobby, blame it on my elder years, for course Bob is almost my age now – why do I always think of him as younger, another mystery. Every time I spell out Bob’s last name I think someone has to be glad he never made it as a hot shot pro football player. Whoever puts the letters, the names on the football uniforms would have a heck of a time getting all twelve letters on the jersey. Just goes to show you the important issues of the day my mind is reduced to thinking about.
I was saddened a bit yesterday when a friend, the wife of my eye surgeon, Fred the guy that literally saved my life by finding my heart problem when other docs could not, a story I will relate sometime. Anyway, she is one sweetheart of a lady, she told me she had breast cancer, stage IV whatever that is. She is a gal that will whip it if anyone can, especially with a super doc husband to guide the treatments – still after the years that it took for Sally to fight it, the surgery, the Chemo sessions, the radiation and all that stuff it is one thing I pray they whip soon. Too many of our ladies are going through this.
On the health front – the Vitamin C multi dose is really working for your old Uncle. It has been a bit over a week and I can tell that the allergy / cold – or whatever it is – the running nose, sneezing is almost gone. Still taking five tablets of 1,000 mgs or whatever they call em a day, when it is gone completely I will reduce to just a couple thousand per day.
I really think if you have a cold, or anything near like what I had for much of this year you should give it a try. —–Hey, it beats slicing raw onions and taping the onions to the bottom of your foot / feet, whatever like the treatment Roy sent from Arizona.
There is one super idea in this week’s ‘Humor & Stuff from Buddies’ from Dick Kelly a good buddy and neighbor of mine. Dick was a former police officer, I think in San Diego, California. A safety measure for many of us, especially many of our gals that have lost their husbands and are living alone, how the car alarm on your key ring can act as a safety alarm, a super read for all of us.
There is a lot of stuff sent in this week so hold off reading until you have some time. Some are really fun reads, seems humor is rearing its head early in the year – we can use more of that.
God willing – this year we will get the health care passed in congress, finally, — they sure have been screwing that up, as stated you wonder who in the hell all those legislators work for? Us or the businesses paying em off!
They say it takes less effort to smile then it does to be down in the mouth – one good New Years resolution is – Try and smile and say something nice to someone each day, doesn’t have to be a big deal, just tell a person they look “up and at em today,” if they do or not – just try and say a kind word to someone, hey a kind word to two or three or more, – wouldn’t hurt either. It may become a habit with you, and you will be surprised at how many will respond and love you for it.
Spread a little love around, God knows we need it in this crazy world of ours!
Love ya all, Uncle Fred
YOUR – HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – FOLLOWS:—
TIP FROM DICK KELLY – SMART IDEA!
Put your car keys beside your bed at night Tell your spouse, your children, your neighbour’s, your parents, your Dr’s office, the check-out girl at the market, everyone you run across.
Put your car keys beside your bed at night..
If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.
This tip came from a neighbour-hood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It’s a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation.
Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain.
It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar/rapist won’t stick around.
After a few seconds all the neighbours will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won’t want that.
And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there.
This is something that should really be shared with everyone.
Maybe it could save a life or a sexual abuse crime.
P.S. I am sending this to everyone I know because I think it is fantastic.
Would also be useful for any emergency, such as a heart attack, where you can’t reach a phone.
My Mom has suggested to my Dad that he carry his car keys with him in case he falls outside and she doesn’t hear him.
He can activate the car alarm and then she’ll know there’s a problem.
Please pass this on even IF you’ve read it before.
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THINGS YOUR BURGLAR WON’T TELL YOU:
1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your
carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.
2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your
yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make
my return a little easier.
3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste … and taste means
there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always
make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.
4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I
might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you
to remove it.
5. If it snows while you’re out of town, get a neighbor to create car and
foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.
6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don’t let your
alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it’s set. That
makes it too easy.
7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the
windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom — and
your jewelry. It’s not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.
8. it’s raining, you’re fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to
lock your door-understandable. But understand this: I don’t take a day
off because of bad weather.
9. I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for directions
somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don’t take me up on it.)
10. Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? I always
check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.
11. Here’s a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids’ rooms.
12. You’re right: I won’t have enough time to break into that safe where
you keep your valuables. But if it’s not bolted down, I’ll take it with me.
13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm
system. If you’re reluctant to leave your TV on while you’re out of town,
you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering
glow of a real television. (Find it at faketv.com <http://faketv.com/> <http://faketv. com/> .)
MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON’T TELL YOU:
1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy
and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.
2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.
3. I’ll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If
your neighbor hears one loud sound, he’ll stop what he’s doing and wait to
hear it again. If he doesn’t hear it again, he’ll just go back to what
he was doing. It’s human nature.
4. I’m not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy
alarm system and leave your house without setting it?
5. I love looking in your windows. I’m looking for signs that you’re
home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I’d like. I’ll drive or
walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just
to pick my targets.
6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It’s easier
than you think to look up your address.
7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way
to let in a little fresh air. To me, it’s an invitation.
8. If you don’t answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I
hit the jackpot and walk right in.
9. Don’t put a mourning wreath or some other sign of bereavement on your
front door. We check obituaries and funeral times, and if something looks
promising we’ll hit during the funeral. Do you really need a double tragedy?
Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina, Oregon, California, and
Kentucky; security consultant Chris McGoey, who runs crimedoctor. com
<http://crimedoctor. com/> ; and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor
at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for
his book Burglars on the Job.
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How dare you criticize wasteful defense spending!
So you think it’s only terrorist-appeasing lefties who are down on Pentagon profligacy? Think again By David Sirota
Nov. 28, 2009 |
Pop quiz — name the political leader who said the following:
“We must be willing to pull the plug before sinking more dollars into weapons that do not provide what our warriors need.”
Now name the leader who said this:
“(W)e cannot track $2.3 trillion in (Pentagon spending) … We maintain 20 to 25 percent more base infrastructure than we need to support our forces, at an annual waste to taxpayers of some $3 billion to $4 billion … There are those who will oppose every effort to save taxpayers’ money … Well, fine, if there’s to be a struggle, so be it.”
I’m willing to bet many self-described “conservatives” guessed Ralph Nader and Dennis Kucinich. I would make that wager based on the enraged response to my recent column about government data showing that our waste-ridden, $600-billion-a-year defense budget will cost about seven times more than the healthcare legislation currently before Congress.
In e-mails, letters and Web site comments, right-wingers didn’t vent anger at Pentagon profligacy, but at the criticism of Pentagon profligacy — as if brazenly throwing away billions on outdated weapons systems and obsolete military programs is now a “conservative” value. Notably, the vitriol didn’t include contrary numbers disproving the figures I referenced (none exists) — the responses just used Fox News-ish slogans like “the cost of freedom” to deride all criticism of Pentagon spending as unpatriotic ultraliberalism.
Of course, if that’s true, then Stephen Colbert’s refrain that “reality has a well-known liberal bias” is now less a laugh line than a devastatingly accurate commentary on the deranged terms of America’s political discourse. I say that because here are some objective, nonpartisan, non-ideological facts:
- The 2010 Pentagon budget means “every man, woman and child in the United States will spend more than $2,700 on (defense) programs and agencies next year,” reports the Cato Institute. “By way of comparison, the average Japanese spends less than $330; the average German about $520; China’s per capita spending is less than $100.”
- “(The Pentagon budget) dwarfs the combined defense budgets of U.S. allies and potential U.S. enemies alike,” reports Hearst Newspapers.
- “President (Obama) is on track to spend more on defense, in real dollars, than any other president has in one term of office since World War II,” reports National Journal’s Government Executive magazine.
- In 2000, the Pentagon admitted it has lost — yes, lost — $2.3 trillion. In 2003, the San Francisco Chronicle reported that a subsequent Department of Defense study said it was only $1 trillion. To put such numbers in perspective, contemplate what those sums could finance. $1 trillion, for instance, could pay the total cost of universal healthcare for the long haul. $2.3 trillion would cover universal healthcare plus the bank bailout plus the stimulus package.
Obviously — obviously! — these points are no cause for alarm and certainly no cause for defense spending reductions, right? All they must prove is that the archconservative Cato Institute, William Randolph Hearst’s newspaper chain, National Journal employees and Pentagon officials are secretly America-hating liberals. And — obviously! — so are two of the most aggressive neoconservative hawks ever to hold government office, Sen. John McCain and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. After all, they’re the ones who issued those scathing statements about wasteful defense spending in the pop quiz above. That means they’re actually terrorist-appeasing lefties, right?
Really, how could anyone other than traitorous communists see the data and then consider backing the mildest Pentagon spending cuts? I mean, come on — in a country whose paranoid conservative movement now makes a dead-serious ideology out of Stephen Colbert wisecracks, how dare any red-blooded American even think of pondering basic budgetary facts?
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XEROX IS DOING SOMETHING COOL
If you go to this web site, www.LetsSayThanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can’t pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services.
How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!! It is FREE and it only takes a second.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them.
This takes just 10 seconds and it’s a wonderful way to say thank you. Please take the time and please take the time to pass it on for others to do. We can never say enough thank you s.
Thanks for taking to time to support our military!
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Differences Between Men and Women:
>
>> NICKNAMES:
>>
>> If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each
>> other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
>> If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately
>> refer to
>> each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
>>
>>
>> EATING OUT:
>>
>> When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in
> $20,
>> even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
>> smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
>> When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>>
>>
>> MONEY:
>>
>> A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
>> A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but
>> it’s
> on
>> sale.
>>
>>
>> BATHROOMS:
>>
>> A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
>> shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
>> The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is
> 337.
>> A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
>>
>>
>> ARGUMENTS:
>>
>> A woman has the last word in any argument.
>> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
> argument.
>>
>>
>> FUTURE:
>>
>> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>>
>>
>> SUCCESS:
>>
>> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
> spend.
>> A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>>
>>
>> MARRIAGE:
>>
>> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
>> A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she
> does.
>>
>>
>> DRESSING UP:
>>
>> A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
>> empty the
>> trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
>> A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>>
>>
>> NATURAL:
>>
>> Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
>> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>>
>>
>> OFFSPRING:
>>
>> Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
>> about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
>> foods,
>> secret fears and hopes and dreams.
>> A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
>> house.
>>
>>
>> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
>>
>> A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two
>> people remembering the same thing!
>
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Anyone sick of political correctness?
|
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ONE OF THE BEST STORIES I’VE EVER HEARD!
As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of
school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she
looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same.
However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped
in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he
did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy
and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be
unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually
take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold
X’s and then putting a big ‘F’ at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review
each child’s past records and she put Teddy’s off until last.
However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy’s first grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is a bright child with a
ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners…he is a
joy to be around..’
His second grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is an excellent student, well
liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a
terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.’
His third grade teacher wrote, ‘His mother’s death has been hard on
him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn’t show much
interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren’t
taken.’
Teddy’s fourth grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is withdrawn and doesn’t
show much interest in school. He doesn’t have many friends and he
sometimes sleeps in class.’
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of
herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas
presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for
Teddy’s. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper
that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it
in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to
laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones
missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she
stifled the children’s laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the
bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her
wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough
to say, ‘Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.’
After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very
day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she
began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to
Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The
more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the
year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and,
despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy
became one of her ‘teacher’s pets..’
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her
that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then
wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she
was still the best teacher he ever had in life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while
things had been tough at times, he’d stayed in school, had stuck with
it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors.
He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite
teacher he had ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he
explained that after he got his bachelor’s degree, he decided to go a
little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and
favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.
The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.
The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter
that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be
married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago
and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the
wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the
groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that
bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she
made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother
wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson’s
ear, ‘Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much
for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a
difference.’
Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said,
‘Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I
could make a difference. I didn’t know how to teach until I met you.’
(For you that don’t know, Teddy Stoddard is the Dr at Iowa Methodist
in Des Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.)
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after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, ’Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’
So I replied,
‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.’
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
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Blonde Password…
During a recent password audit, IT discovered a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.
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| Warning to all older men
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather warms. A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular Lowes, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends. Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also September 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.. |
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One thing about the Aussies is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
”If hooking up one rag head terrorist prisoner’s testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger, will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say, Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.”
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A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; ”The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. “The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings, MT, that’s about 550 miles from here.”
“Good grief, is that where the job is?”
“No sir — that’s where the end of the line is right now.
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The Theory of Intelligence
> I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this.
>
> ‘Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo; and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’
>
> I don’t see any fallacy in this logic, do you?
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I always wondered about this.
There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won’t come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?
This week, I found out.
From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.
It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.
-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.
-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit–Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit–Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles’ Creed.
So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol…so pass it on if you wish.’
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Very interesting and something to keep in mind. And, why is this not known?????????
> A 36
> year-old female had an accident several weeks ago and
> totaled her car. A resident of Kilgore , Texas she was traveling
> between Gladewater & Kilgore. It was raining,
> though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to
> hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. She
> was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden
> occurrence!
>
> When
> she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he
> told her something that every driver should know – NEVER
> DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON .. She
> thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control
> and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the
> rain.
>
> But
> the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is
> on when your car begins to hydro-plane and your tires lose
> contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a
> higher rate of speed making you take off like an
> airplane. She told the patrolman that was exactly what
> had occurred.
>
> The
> patrolman said this warning should be listed, on the
> driver’s seat sun-visor – NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL
> WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag
> warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise
> control and drive a safe speed – but we don’t tell them
> to use the cruise control only when the pavement is
> dry.
>
> The
> only person the accident victim found, who knew this
> (besides the patrolman), was a man who had had a similar
> accident, totaled his car and sustained severe
> injuries.
>
> NOTE:
> Some vehicles (like the Toyota Sienna Limited XLE) will not
> allow you to set the cruise control when the windshield
> wipers are on.
>
> If
> you send this to 15 people and only one of them doesn’t
> know about this, then it was all worth it. You might
> have saved a life.
NEXT
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
‘YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?’
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’
DON’T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
NEXT
HEY, WASN’T THAT US? SURE WAS!!!
A little house with three bedrooms, one bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.
In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things, someone was always home.
We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.
We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.
We only had one TV set, and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth the view.
For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton’s onion dip.
Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker’s book.
Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together — even go to church to pray.
When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.
Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.
Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.
Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.
Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball — and no game video.
Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn’t need insurance or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.
Remember going to the store and shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it you used your own money?
Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier person had to really count?
The milkman used to go from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.
There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door,
Without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store.
The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed to “present occupant.”
There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.
They didn’t look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.
One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five.
The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
And always we were striving, trying for a better way.
Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game, just kick the can and run?
And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.
NEXT
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’ Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
NEXT
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’
The rabbi responded, ‘Yes, that is still one of our laws.’
The priest then asked, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’
To which the rabbi replied, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’
The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’
The rabbi then asked him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’
The priest replied, ‘Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith . . . with a woman.’
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking . . . for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, ‘Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?’
NEXT
Men’s Consideration for Women
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Kevin. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife.
Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for her to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is costly and not reasonable and I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while and, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support her. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get, as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing this was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Sincerely,
Kevin
EDITOR’S NOTE:
Kevin died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Kevin somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club
NEXT
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, ‘I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.’
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
‘We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’the father says. ‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.’
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ‘Like hell they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this .’
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, ‘You are NOTgetting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Okay,’ he says,’they’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
NEXT
Coffee filters …. Who knew!
And you can buy 1,000 at the Dollar Stores for almost nothing, even the large ones.
1. Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave.
Coffee filters make excellent covers.
2. Clean windows, mirrors, and chrome…
Coffee filters are lint-free so they’ll leave windows sparkling.
3. Protect China by separating your good dishes with a coffee filter between each dish.
4. Filter broken cork from wine. If you break the cork when opening a wine
bottle, filter the wine through a coffee filter.
5. Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffee filter in the
skillet to absorb moisture and prevent rust.
6. Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-free coffee filter.
7. Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oil through
a sieve lined with a coffee filter.
8. Weigh chopped foods. Place chopped ingredients in a
coffee filter on a kitchen scale.
9. Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenient wrappers for messy foods.
10. Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot. Line a plant
pot with a coffee filter to prevent the soil from going through the drainage holes.
11. Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Poke one or two holes
as needed in a coffee filter.
12. Do you think we used expensive strips to wax eyebrows?
Use strips of coffee filters..
13. Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon,
French fries, chicken fingers, etc on them. It soaks out all the grease.
14. Keep in the bathroom. They make great “razor nick fixers.”
15. As a sewing backing. Use a filter as an easy-to-tear backing
for embroidering or appliqueing soft fabrics.
16. Put baking soda into a coffee filter and insert into
shoes or a closet to absorb or prevent odors.
17. Use them to strain soup stock and to tie fresh herbs
in to put in soups and stews.
18. Use a coffee filter to prevent spilling when you add fluids to your car.
19. Use them as a spoon rest while cooking and clean up small counter spills.
20. Can use to hold dry ingredients when baking or when
cutting a piece of fruit or veggies.. Saves on having extra bowls to wash.
21. Use them to wrap Christmas ornaments for storage.
22. Use them to remove fingernail polish when out of cotton balls.
23. Use them to sprout seeds. Simply dampen the coffee filter,
place seeds inside, fold it and place it into a plastic baggie until they sprout.
24. Use coffee filters as blotting paper for pressed flowers.
Place the flowers between two coffee filters and put the coffee filters in phone book..
25. Use as a kiddie’s disposable “snack bowl” for popcorn, chips, etc.
NEXT
Written by a 90 year old.
This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29.. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come…
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
Its estimated 93% won’t forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title ’7%’.
I’m in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves
NEXT
Subject: Overheard on an Aussie River Cruise
A rather self-important college student explaining to the senior citizen sitting beside him:
‘You’ll never understand our generation because you grew up in a different world; actually, an almost primitive one. The young people of today grew up with TV, space travel to the moon, even sending space ships to Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and the Internet.’ At this point, he paused to take another drink of beer.
The senior, taking advantage of the break in the student’s litany said,
‘You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young … so we invented them! Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?’
The applause from the other passengers was resounding. Don’t you just love senior citizens!
NEXT
OLD FART PRIDE
I’m passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it’s not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the Star Spangled Banner, Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War , the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don’t like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it’s about their children or grandchildren.
It’s the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politician’s, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts!
Pass this on to all the Old Farts you know.
I was taught to respect my elders. It’s just getting harder to find them.
NEXT
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…
‘What the hell was I thinking?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you …
I’ve changed my mind.
————————————–
———————————————————-
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
//////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.
************************************************************************
********
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
//////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I’m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it’s really good pay
NEXT
IN ORLANDO LAST WEEK, AT A CITGO STATION, REGULAR GAS WAS PRICED AT $2.30 PER GALLON, AND NO CUSTOMERS.
HOWEVER, ACROSS THE STREET FUEL WAS SELLING FOR $2.35 PER GALLON AND ALL PUMPS THERE HAD CARS WAITINGTO FUEL UP. What’s going on? Word is getting around!!!!! Read on:
Have you noticed how the CITGO signs have disappeared in the past 7-8 months? A very clever move by Chavez. But guess what, “CITGO” IS CHANGING ITS NAME, too……
This is serious, Americans….make sure you read this very carefully.
NEWS FLASH:
Chavez is NOW getting a Russian Weapons Factory built by Putin. The RUSSIANS are building an AK -47 Kalashnikov Assault Rifle factory in Venezuela , to give armament support to Communist Rebel groups throughout the Americas …
Chavez NOW has IRANIANS operating his oil refineries in Venezuela for him. It is likely only a matter of time, if not already, before Chavez has Iranian built LONG RANGE missiles, with a variety of warhead types aimed at: Guess Who?
CITGO is NOW in the process of Changing Its Name to ” PETRO EXPRESS” due to the loss of gasoline sales in the USA …due to the recent publicity of ownership by Chavez of Venezuela.
Every dollar you spend with ”CITGO” or “PETRO EXPRESS” gasoline will be used against you, your basic human rights, and your freedoms. He will start wars here in the Americas that will probably be the death of millions..
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT because Chavez is starting to feel the loss of revenue from his holdings. HE OWNS “CITGO”. This is a very important move that everyone should be aware of.
ANNOUNCED JUST RECENTLY: “CITGO”, BEING AWARE THAT SALES ARE DOWN DUE TO U.S. CUSTOMERS NOT WANTING TO BUY FROM ‘CITGO-CHAVEZ’, HAVE STARTED TO CHANGE THE NAME OF SOME OF THEIR STORES TO: ‘PETRO EXPRESS’. DO NOT BUY FROM “PETRO EXPRESS” EITHER!!! ‘PETRO EXPRESS’ IS ALSO 100% OWNED BY “CHAVEZ.”
KEEP THIS MEMO GOING SO THAT EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING.
BOTTOM LINE,– BOYCOTT “CITGO“ & “PETRO EXPRESS” please!!
PLEASE MAKE SURE THIS IS PASSED ON TO EVERYONE IN YOUR E-MAIL LIST IN THE UNITED STATES AND OUTSIDE OF AMERICA .
NEXT
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
>
>
> Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks, and they woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
>
>
> The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, ‘I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.’
>
> They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
>
> The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words… ‘I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.’
>
> They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
>
> The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, ‘Well, I’m from the University of Virginia and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.
NEXT
You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the
passing years.
It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my
new life with my mate. And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I
wonder where all the years went.
I know that I lived them all…
And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and
dreams… But, here it is the winter of my life and it catches me by
surprise… How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did
my youth go?
I remember well…seeing older people through the years and thinking that
those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off
that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like…But,
here it is…my friends are retired and getting gray…they move slower and
I see an older person now. Lots are in better shape than me… but, I see
the great change… Not like the ones that I remember who were young and
vibrant… but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those
older folks that we used to see and never thought we’d be.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the
day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore…it’s mandatory! Cause if I
don’t on my own free will..I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the
aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things
that I wish I had done but never did!!
But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I’m not sure how
long it will last…this I know, that when it’s over…its over….Yes , I
have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn’t done ,,,,,things I should
have done, but indeed, there are many things I’m happy to have done. It’s
all in a lifetime….
So, if you’re not in your winter yet…let me remind you, that it will be
here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in
your life please do it quickly! Don’t put things off too long!!
Life goes by oh so quickly ! So, do what you can today, as you can never be
sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life…so,
live for good today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to
remember…and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things
that you have shared with them in all the years past!!
‘Life is a gift to you so it is called “The Present”. The way you live your
life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.’
LIVE IT WELL!!—-ENJOY TODAY!!!!—–DO SOMETHING FUN!!!—-
BE HAPPY!!!—-BE THANKFUL!!!!!
NEXT
Irena Sendler
There recently was a death of a 98 year-old lady named Irena. During WWII, Irena got permission to work in the Warsaw Ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an ‘ulterior motive’ … She knew what the Nazi’s plans were for the Jews, (being German.) Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried and she carried in the back of her truck a burlap sack, (for larger kids..) She also had a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.. During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants. She was caught, and the Nazi’s broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely. Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it and reunited the family. Most had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted.
NEXT
The following are comments made by 16 Police Officers. These comments were taken from actual police car videos/recordings around the country:
16. ‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’
15. ‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.’
14. ‘If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’
13. ‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’
12. ‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’
11. ‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’
10. ‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?’
9. ‘Warning! You want a warning? O.K. I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket. ‘
8. ‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’
7. ‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’
6. ‘Yeah, we have a quota… Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.’
5. ‘In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.’
4. ‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
3 ‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’
2. ‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.’
AND THE WINNER IS…
1. ‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’
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If I were ol’ Santa, you know what I’d do;
I’d dump silly gifts that are given to you,
And deliver some things just inside your front door,
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I’d give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair,
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
I’d bring back the shape with which you were gifted,
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I’d draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Until you’d be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
I’d remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin,
So you wouldn’t spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You’d never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn’t hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes;
No searching for spectacles when they’re right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or bum,
From a Doctor who thinks you’re a nervous old mum.
You’d never have a headache, so no pills would you take
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won’t ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you’d never look stupid.
You’d be a cute little chick with the romance of cupid.
I’d give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I’m not Santa. I’m simply just me;
The matronliest of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I’ve got,
But I’m due at my doctor’s for an estrogen shot.
Even though we’ve grown older this wish is sincere;
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.
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Occupational Medicine
Even if you have a gun, here’s a more humane way to wreck someone’s evil plans for you….and you can carry it in your car with no problem!!
Did you know this? I didn’t. I never really thought of it before.
I guess I can get rid of the baseball bat.
Wasp Spray
A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.
The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper
spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn’t attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.
On the heels of a break in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self defense experts have a tip that could save your life.
Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at
Sylvania Southview High School . For decades, he’s suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed.
Glinka says, “This is better than anything I can teach them.”
Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray. The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says “spray the culprit in the eyes”. It’s a tip he’s given to students fordecades.
It’s also one he wants everyone to hear. If you’re looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray.
“That’s going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out.”Maybe even save a life..Please share this with all the people in your life
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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now Seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’
The woman looked Ms.Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land Mines.”
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A SMART WOMAN.
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A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up. “So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife.
IF you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite countertops.”
THE END – FOR THIS WEEK – MORE COMING – AS LONG AS BUDDIES LIVE – IT WILL KEEP COMING AND COMING AND COMING – LOVE IT – Uncle Fred
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