HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – January 19th, 2010 at Chipping from the Rough

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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – January 19th, 2010

By fred | January 19, 2010

HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – January 19^th 2010

The New Year has arrived – I am still out to lunch about liking it or not, I received some bad news financially so we shall have to see how it goes the rest of the year, hopefully we will not have to dent our kids inheritance tooooo much.

I wish Sally would burn the morning newspaper, I have no concept of how anyone, Republican or not, can be against a public health care plan for all of out citizens. Yet the American public is so stupid as to elect some Republican in Maine that could destroy the whole thing. Sometimes it shakes my faith in even being an American – scares the hell out of me as to the unfeeling, uncaring of the health and lives of our nation’s people. THEN after this seemingly uncaring we donate (as we should) millions to the horrible events happening in Haiti.

Let our people die for lack of care – BUT help others around the world? Can’t we get it right and do both?

Seems we are having up here in the great Northwest a very warm winter, some days a flash comes on that it was like 57 for a high, the highest temperature since the 1960’s or so. There is grave concern in Vancouver BC Canada, not far above us that there will not be enough snow for the Olympics that will open in twenty some days. Scary as the Canadians have spent untold millions on this. Hopefully they will get their snow.

Follows is your humor and stuff from all of you. Seems a bit more than usual where the boys are spoofing the ladies, old course most of that was sent by the boys, so girls I will expect you to fight back and send me stuff spoofing the lads.

Love ya all,

Fred

START OF HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES———

Hi Gang – the next one was sent to me by an old naval retired buddy. Says it all and that the NEW Navy is not to his liking. Have to agree with him. Fred

Old Timers will like this one. ”Go Navy”

Then - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.

Now – If you smoke, you get sent outside and treated like a

Leper, if you’re lucky.

Then – Mail took weeks to come to the ship.

Now – Every time you get near land, there’s a mob topside to see

if their cell phones work.

Then – If you left the ship it was in Blues or Whites, even

in home port.

Now – The only time you wear Blues or Whites is for ceremonies.

Then – You wore bellbottoms everywhere on the ship.

Now – Bellbottoms are gone and 14 year-old girls wear them

everywhere.

Then – You wore a Dixie cup all day, with every uniform.

Now – It’s not required and you have a choice of different hats..

Then – If you said “damn,” people knew you were annoyed and

avoided you.

Now – If you say “damn” you’d better be talking about a

hydroelectric plant.

Then -The Ships Office yeoman had a typewriter on his desk

for doing daily reports.

Now – Everyone has a computer with Internet access and they

wonder why no work is getting done.

Then – We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to

remind us of home.

Now – We put the real thing in the cockpit.

Then – Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return

alive.

Now – She is on the same ship, praying your condom worked.

Then – If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take

you back to the ship so you could sleep it off.

Now – If you get drunk off duty, they slap you in rehab and ruin

your career.

Then – Canteens were made out of steel and you could heat

coffee or hot chocolate in them.

Now – Canteens are made of plastic, you can’t heat them because

they’ll melt, and anything inside always tastes like plastic.

Then – Our top officers were professional sailors first.

They commanded respect.

Now – Our top officers are politicians first. They beg not to be

given a wedgie.

Then – They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.

Now – They collect our pee and analyze it. How true…..

Then – If you didn’t act right, they’d put you on extra duty

until you straightened up.

Now – If you don’t act right, they start a paper trail that

follows you forever.

Then – Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the

risk of their own.

Now – Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of

the time. Again TRUE

Then – You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.

Now – You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

Then – You ate in a Mess Hall or Galley. It was free and

you could have all the food you wanted.

Now – You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or pat

of butter costs, and you can only have one.

Then – If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec Center ,

played pool, smoked and drank beer.

Now -You go to the Community Center and can still play pool,

maybe.

Then – If you wanted a quarter beer and conversation, you

could go to the Chief’s or Officers’ Club.

Now – The beer will cost you three dollars and someone is

watching to see how much you drink.

Then – The Exchange had bargains for sailors who didn’t make

much money.

Now – You can get better merchandise and cheaper at Wal-Mart.

Then – If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he

scribbled down some notes and a YN spent an hour preparing a bunch of

charts.

Now – The Admiral has his entire staff spending days preparing a

Power Point presentation.

Then – We called the enemy things like “Commie Bastards” and

“Reds” because we didn’t like them.

Now – We call the enemy things like “Opposing Forces” and

“Aggressors or Insurgents” so we won’t offend them.

Then – We declared victory when the enemy was dead and all

his things were broken.

Now – We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry and

won’t do it again..

Then – A commander would put his butt on the line to protect

his people.

Now – A commander will put his people on the line to protect his

butt. AND VERY TRUE!!!!!!!!

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

(This was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night — early birds.

Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

…. PRICELESS

Forward to all your “retarded grandparent” friends

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

“Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??” demanded the Grand Emir.

“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “white man sit on well.”

Dear Friends, most of you know I had a small 52 acre fun ranch during my life. Sally and I built the place, designed the home, etc. Had many friends that farmed or ran cattle on their land there in south Monterey county. The following touched me greatly. Don’t ever think of a farmer as dumb, they are smart in ways that count. That is why the following touched me so and made me laugh. Sounded just like some of the guys I had as neightbors.

Remember this:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than any tractor.

The words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner somethin’ that you know is meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You can’t unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives, but by their friends.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer, but you can always have an opinion.

Live a good, honorable life.. when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

Timing has got a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..

The Miracle of Toilet Paper–a repeat
       Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
    ‘If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds’.
    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
    ‘How long will this take?’ I asked.
    ‘ They will grow larger over a period of years,’ my husband replies.
    I stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’
    Without missing a beat he says, ‘Worked for your ass, didn’t it?’
    He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding our nation’s history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952, his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an ‘allowance’ and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year..

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, ”You don’t want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it’s not for sale.”

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, “I don’t consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.”

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale. (sic. Illinois )

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, “My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference!

I say dig him up and clone him!!

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and

tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she

is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said….

You’ll love this….

Yep. I know you will…

”FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

EYEGLASSES

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.

“What seems to be the problem, madam?” asked the salesman.

She replied, “I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.”

GANG – Not quite sure this one is O. K. a bit wild, but since our ladies are all mature I included it. The sender does not wish to be named! – Wonder why? Fred

An Englishman’s wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“Good %#@@, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded.

“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,” she replied.

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s £20. Go and buy

yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” her husband exclaimed.

She replies, “Sure and I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

“Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?” her husband yelled.

She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says “Well, fer the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,’ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

The driver says, ’Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ‘

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ’Now don’t be silly, dear – you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ’Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

The officer frowns and says, ’And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

The driver says, ’Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’

The wife says, ’Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ’Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

(I love this part)

‘Only when he’s been drinking.!!’

1. The roundest knight at King Arthurs Round Table
was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an
algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got
a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll
still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road was
cited for littering.

8. Would a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
result in Linoleum Blownapart?

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a
tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the
hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I’ll go on a head.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said,
Keep off the Grass.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken
to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse
said, No change yet.
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in
motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper
spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, its your vote that counts. In
feudalism, its your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
taste of religion.

24. Dont join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

SEEN BEFORE – BUT NEEDS TO BE SEEN AGAIN!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just

finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

”If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the

middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not

going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an

accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

”Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t

exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .

“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world

who d on’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get

stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.

“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are

cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running

to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in

a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And my favorite: 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like

you

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you…and because they are you

don’t seem to like them as much anymore….but your

grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.
But coming home feels better!

~When people say you look “Great”…
they more often than not add “for your age!”

~When you needed discounts you had to pay full price.
Now you get discounts on everything ….
movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names … but that’s OK
because most people probably forgot
they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
is now 15 and you have a better chance
of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you’re never going
to be really good at anything …. especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you
to remember things you don’t remember.

~The things you used to care to do,
you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you
don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair
with the TV blaring than in a bed.
It’s their “pre-sleep”.

~You miss the days when everything worked
with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem …
were unheard of, and a mouse was something
that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words ….
“what?”…”when?” ???

~Now that you can afford
expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your spouse has a night out with friends
and comes home by 9:00 P.M. …next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve already read it.

~Those things that used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody seems to talk in whispers.

~Now that your spouse has retired ….
you’d give anything if they’d find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet …..
2 of those sizes you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs
old movies
And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!

Love you, “OLD FRIEND!”

Congressional Reform Act of 2010

1. Term Limits: 12 years only, one of the possible options below.

A. Two Six year Senate terms
B. Six Two year House terms
C. One Six year Senate term and three Two Year House terms

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

2. No Tenure / No Pension:

A congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

3. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security:

All funds in the Congressional retirement fund moves to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, Congress participates with the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, server your term(s), then go home and back to work.

4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan just as all Americans.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

6. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

7. Congress must equally abide in all laws they impose on the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

8. All contracts with past and present congressmen are void effective 1/1/11.

The American people did not make this contract with congressmen, congressmen made all these contracts for themselves.

    Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned  citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.


If you agree with the above, pass it on to all in your address list.   If not, just delete.

Exploding Underpants Terrorist Threat Raises Alert Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive stealth bomber, Navy Seal, 16 inch battleship, drone aircraft, and Fox News strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope Australia will come rescue us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be all right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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