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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES Feb.9th 2010
By fred | February 9, 2010
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – Feb. 9th 2010
Sorry I have been neglectful in sending out stuff lately. I lost a part of our monthly income and have had to spend far more time with my eBay jewelry store in attempt to make it up – your old Uncle still chasing bucks at 80 years of age.
How time flies by, Sally and I have been married for 60 years this month, I really can’t believe it has been so long, but we were married in 1950 so if my math is correct it is 60 years. I still feel like the luckiest guy on earth, I am sure many of you that still have your lady, like I have, feel the same. Some of my buddies, my two Ray’s, Eddie, Dale and a few others, lost their loves years ago, when I think of them living alone so long is makes me sad. I guess sometimes you get lucky, I did.
Olympics start in Canada right across the boarder from us in just three days, Bellingham expects a lot of traffic visiting us, so for those of us living here best to stay home and let the tourists have sway.
Whistler in Canada (above Vancouver where the Olympics will be held) – and this whole area of northern Washington and Southern Canada has had the warmest winter on record, lots of rain but zero snowfall, just got a tiny bit a month or so ago. I have no idea what they are gonna do for snow, I hear they are hauling it in from someplace and I assume have snow making equipment in place. When you think of the literally billions of dollars spent on the Olympics then old Mother Nature screwing up, – ha well not my problem.
Humor and Stuff has some really fun stuff in it, for serious stuff pay attention about what to do if there is an earthquake, seems in this day and age, especially since I an sending this to so many old friends in Southern California this is important for you to know.
And if any of you know someone that wants a lovely set of earrings, bracelets, pendants, etc. send em to your old Uncle Fred – eBay store – Costume Jewelry Etc. I hope I will not be charged for the commercial!
As soon as I can get the time we will return to my peacetime Army adventures so many, many years ago.
I have to say I have been further blessed with so many super friends – and I don’t want to forget the few of us left in my family – you are all loved dearly!
Uncle Fred
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Forget everything you’ve been trained to do during an earthquake!!!
Boy! Is this ever an eye opener? Directly opposite of what we’ve been taught over the years! I can remember in school being told to, “duck and cover” or stand in a doorway during an earthquake. This guy’s findings are absolutely amazing. I hope we all remember his survival method if we are ever in an earthquake!!!
EXTRACT FROM DOUG COPP’S ARTICLE ON THE: “TRIANGLE OF LIFE”
My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world’s most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake.
I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries…
I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.
The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn’t at the time know that the children were told to hide under something. Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the “triangle of life.”
The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the “triangles” you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.
TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY
1) Most everyone who simply “ducks and covers” WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.
2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake… It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void next to it.
3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.
4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on the back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.
5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.
6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!
7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different “moment of frequency” (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads – horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn’t collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.
Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible – It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.
9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway… The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.
10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.
Spread the word and save someone’s life… The Entire world is experiencing natural calamities so be prepared! “We are but angels with one wing, it takes two to fly”
In 1996, we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul , University of Istanbul Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did “duck and cover,” and ten mannequins I used in my triangle of life” survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results. The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable, scientific conditions, relevant to building collapse, showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover.
There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the “triangle of life.” This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe, and it was seen in the USA , Canada and Latin America on the TV program Real TV.
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CHECK FOR ALZHEIMER’S – PRETTY AMAZING
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University Take your time and see if you can Read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat..
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat..
8.. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10.. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I Betcha you cannot resist passing it on……….
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IF YOU DON’T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON..
George Carlin’s Views on Ageing
Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about ageing that you think in fractions.
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life …. .. You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away.. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!
S o you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them’
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down..
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’
And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath..
6. ! The tear s happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9.. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next country; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
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A NICE CUP OF TEA ~
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was
just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him
drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get
water is the toilet?”
Remember:
Life is what is happening NOW. It is
not a rehearsal. Seize the moment!!
Live with PASSION and BLISS!!
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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom”.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
How ever, as the labor progressed, the husband felt Fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The Doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try it for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
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Subject: United States Marine Corps
An explanation of sorts………..
United States Marine Corps
By W. Thomas Smith Jr.
Beginning this month, leathernecks from the 1st Marine Expeditionary
Force will return to Iraq, replacing elements of the Army’s 82nd
Airborne Division. The return of the Marines is surely bad news for
those desperate to undermine the liberation of Iraq.
Not to take anything away from the U.S. Army — its soldiers have
performed magnificently, and will no doubt continue to do so — but
America’s enemies have a particular fear of U.S. Marines. During the
first Gulf War in 1991, over 100,000 Iraqi soldiers were deployed along
the Iraqi-Kuwaiti coastline in anticipation of a landing by some 17,000
U.S. Marines. Terrified by what they had been taught about the combat
prowess of Marines, the Iraqi soldiers had nicknamed them “Angels of
Death.”
The moniker — first published by Pulitzer-winner Rick Atkinson in
his best-selling Crusade — carried over into the second Gulf war, last
year, as the 1st Marine Division swept across the Iraqi plains.
Attacking American forces were unsettling enough, but reports of the
seaborne “Angels of Death” being among the lead elements were
paralyzing to many Iraqi combatants.
Despite less armor than other American ground forces, the Marines were
among the first to fight their way into Baghdad. And when intelligence
indicated that foreign troops were coming to the aid of Iraqi diehards,
Marine Brig. Gen. John Kelly stated, “we want all Jihad fighters to
come here.. That way we can kill them all before they get bus tickets
to New York City.”
Typical Marine bravado, some say. But it works. Best-selling author
Tom Clancy once wrote, “Marines are mystical. They have magic.” It is
this same magic, Clancy added, that “may well frighten potential
opponents more than the actual violence Marines can generate in
combat.”
Fear of Marines is not a new phenomenon, nor is it unique to Iraqi
soldiers. Established in 1775, the U.S. Marine Corps came of age in
World War I during the 1918 Chateau Thierry campaign near the French
village of Bouresches.
There, Marines assaulted a line of German machine-gun nests on an
old hunting preserve known as Belleau Wood. The fighting was terrible.
Those Marines who weren’t cut down by the enemy guns captured the nests
in a grisly close-quarters slugfest.
The shocked Germans nicknamed their foes, teufelhunden (devil dogs).
“Marines are considered a sort of elite Corps designed to go into
action outside the United States,” read a German intelligence report
following the battle. “They consider their membership in the Marine
Corps to be something of an honor. They proudly resent any attempts to
place their regiments on a par with other infantry regiments.”
Twenty-four years later as the 1st Marine Division was steaming
toward Guadalcanal, a Japanese radio propagandist taunted that which
the Japanese soldiers feared most. “Where are the famous United States
Marines hiding?” the announcer asked. “The Marines are supposed to be
the finest soldiers in the world, but no one has seen them yet?”
Over the next three years, Marines would further their reputation at
places with names like Tarawa, Saipan, and Iwo Jima.
That reputation carried over into the Korean War. “Panic sweeps my men
when they are facing the American Marines,” confessed a captured North
Korean major. It was a fear echoed by his Chinese allies. In late 1950,
Chinese premier Mao Tse Tung put out a contract on the 1st Marine
Division. The Marine division, according to Mao in written orders to
the commander of the Chinese 9th Army Group, “has the highest combat
effectiveness in the American armed forces. It seems not enough for our
four divisions to surround and annihilate its two regiments. You should
have one or two more divisions as a reserve force.” Though costly for
both sides, the subsequent Chinese trap failed to destroy the 1st
Marine Division.
U.S. Army Maj. Gen. Frank Lowe later admitted, “The safest place in
Korea was right behind a platoon of Marines. Lord, how they could
fight!”
Over a decade later, Marines were the first major ground combat force
in Vietnam. Army Gen. William C. Westmoreland, who commanded all
American military forces in that country, conservatively stated he
“admired the élan of Marines.” But despite the admiration, some Army
leaders found their equally proficient units wanting for similar
respect.
In 1982, during the invasion of Grenada, Army General John Vesey,
then chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, telephoned one of his
officers and demanded to know why there were “two companies of Marines
running all over the island and thousands of Army troops doing nothing.
What the hell is going on?”
The reputation of Marines stems from a variety of factors: The Marine
Corps is the smallest, most unique branch of the U.S armed forces.
Though it is organized as a separate armed service, it is officially a
Naval infantry/combined-arms force overseen by the secretary of the
Navy. The Corps’ philosophical approach to training and combat differs
from other branches.
Marine boot camp — more of a rite-of-passage than a training program —
is the longest and toughest recruit indoctrination program of any of
the military services. Men and women train separately. All Marines from
private to Commandant are considered to be first-and-foremost riflemen.
And special-operations units in the Marines are not accorded the same
respect as they are in other branches. The Marines view special
operations as simply another realm of war fighting. Marines are
Marines, and no individual Marine or Marine unit is considered more
elite than the other.
Consequently, newly minted Marines believe themselves to be superior
to other soldiers, spawning understandable resentment from other
branches. But do Marines actually fight better than other soldiers?
Rivals argue it’s not so much their ability to fight — though that’s
never been a question — but that Marines are simply masters in the art
of public relations.
President Harry Truman once stated that Marines “have a propaganda
machine that is almost equal to Stalin’s.” Fact is, while other armed
services have lured recruits with promises of money for college, “a
great way of life,” or ”being all you can be;” the Marines have asked
only “for a few good men [and today, women]” with the mettle to join
their ranks.
Not surprisingly, there have been numerous unsuccessful efforts —
primarily on the part of some Army and Navy officers — to have the
Corps either disbanded or absorbed into the Army or Navy. Most of those
efforts took place in the first half of the 20th Century but even after
the Marines’ stellar performance in World War II, Army General Frank
Armstrong proposed bringing them into the Army fold and condescendingly
referring to the Corps as “a small bitched-up army talking Navy lingo.”
As late as 1997, Assistant Secretary of the Army Sara Lister took aim
at the Marines. “I think the Army is much more connected to society
than the Marines are.” Lister said before an audience at Harvard
University. “Marines are extremists. Wherever you have extremists,
you’ve got some risks of total disconnection with society. And that’s a
little dangerous.”
Of course, the Commandant of the Marine Corps demanded an apology.
Lister was fired. And Marines secretly said among themselves, “Yes we
are extremists. We are dangerous. That’s why we win wars and are
feared throughout the world.”
Despite its detractors, the Marines have become a wholly
American institution — like baseball players, cowboys, and astronauts —
in the eyes of most Americans. Marines indeed may be extreme, but
America loves them, extremism and all. And fortunately for America, her
enemies in the war against terror will continue to shudder upon
hearing, “the Marines have landed.”
— A former U.S. Marine infantry leader, W. Thomas Smith Jr. is a
freelance journalist whose work has appeared in a variety of national
and international publications. His third book, Alpha Bravo Delta Guide
to American Airborne Forces, has just been published.
SEMPER FI…AND MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS THE US MARINE CORPS
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Blood Clots And Stroke They Now Have a Fourth Indicator, The Tongue I will continue to forward this every time it comes around!
STROKE: Remember the 1st Three Letters… S-T-R
STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and took a little fall – she assured everyone That she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) she said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.
They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared A bit shaken up, Jane went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.
Jane’s husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to The hospital, (at 6:00 PM Jane passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at The BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Jane would be with us today. Some don’t die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. It only takes a minute to read this
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke…totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.
RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the ‘3′ steps, S-T-R
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three Simple questions:
S - *Ask the individual to SMILE. T- *Ask the person to TALK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (I.e. It is sunny out today) R- *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency Number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
New Sign of a Stroke — Stick out Your Tongue
NOTE: Another ’sign’ of a stroke is this: Ask the person to ’stick’ out His/her tongue, If the tongue is ‘crooked’, if it goes to one side or the other, That is also an indication of a stroke.
A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; You can bet that at least one life will be saved..
I have done my part. Will you? |
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A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress’s there had low cut blouses and were very young.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
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Subject: Father of the Year!
>
>A man boarded a plane with six kids. (Gutsy guy!)
>
>After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him
>
leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”
>
He replied,
”No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”
>
I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!
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A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years.
One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, ‘It’s not a ship.’ The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, ‘It’s not a boat.’ The speck gets even closer and he thinks, ‘It’s not a raft.’ Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, ‘How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?’ ‘Ten years!’, he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, ‘Man, oh man! Is that good!’
Then she asked, ‘How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?’
He replies, ‘Ten years!’ She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, ‘Wow! That’s fantastic!’ Then she starts unzipping this long zipper
that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, ‘And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?’
And the man replies, ‘My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a computer in there?’
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| Alaska Kayaking Accident
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. “We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one trooper… “Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?” Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.” The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay .” “Oh my God!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?” The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.” Stunned,! Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?” The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.” |
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A Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him, ‘Get your [censored for modsquad benefit] over here! What’s your name?”
“Paul,” the new recruit replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bullxxxx they’re teaching in boot camp today, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the sergeant scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only –Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as ‘Sergeant.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes sir, Sergeant!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The recruit sighed, “Darling. My name is Paul Darling.”
“Okay, Paul, here’s what I want you to do …..”
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Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?’
She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
An elderly gentleman….
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep.. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown..’
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well..’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
One more. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
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| A LITTLE-KNOWN SPORTS FACT:
The first testicular guard (or “cup”) was used in baseball in 1874. The batter’s helmet was introduced in 1934. In other words, it took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important. |
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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
‘If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash………Twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.
PS – I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
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| My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’ And then the fight started… ****************************************** ****************************************** ***************************************** ****************************************** When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my ****************************************** ****************************************** ****************************************** |
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Beware of older men – they only get wiser!
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’
‘About 32,’ is the reply.
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her..
She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay … how old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’
‘I promise I won’t,’ she says.
‘I was behind you at McDonalds..
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Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and
reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program
(Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under
the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse)
or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as muchSHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the
amount of SHIT they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to
the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS – - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been
turned off.
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Remember the guy who got on a plane with a bomb built into his shoe and tried to light it?
Did you know his trial is over?
Did you know he was sentenced?
Did you see/hear any of the judge’s comments on TV or Radio?
Didn’t think so.!!!
Everyone should hear what the judge had to say.
Ruling by Judge William Young, US District Court.
Prior to sentencing, the Judge asked the defendant if he had anything to say. His response: After admitting his guilt to the court for the record, Reid also admitted his ‘allegiance to Osama bin Laden, to Islam, and to the religion of Allah,’ defiantly stating, ‘I think I will not apologize for my actions,’ and told the court ‘I am at war with your country.’
Judge Young then delivered the statement quoted below:
January 30, 2003, United States vs. Reid.
Judge Young: ’Mr. Richard C. Reid, hearken now to the sentence the Court imposes upon you.
On counts 1, 5 and 6 the Court sentences you to life in prison in the custody of the United States Attorney General. On counts 2, 3, 4and 7, the Court sentences you to 20 years in prison on each count, the sentence on each count to run consecutively. (That’s 80 years.)
On count 8 the Court sentences you to the mandatory 30 years again, to be served consecutively to the 80 years just imposed. The Court imposes upon you for each of the eight counts a fine of $250,000 that’s an aggregate fine of $2 million. The Court accepts the government’s recommendation with respect to restitution and orders restitution in the amount of $298.17 to Andre Bousquet and $5,784 to American Airlines.
The Court imposes upon you an $800 special assessment. The Court imposes upon you five years supervised release simply because the law requires it. But the life sentences are real life sentences so I need go no further.
This is the sentence that is provided for by our statutes. It is a fair and just sentence. It is a righteous sentence.
Now, let me explain this to you. We are not afraid of you or any of your terrorist co-conspirators, Mr. Reid. We are Americans. We have been through the fire before. There is too much war talk here and I say that to everyone with the utmost respect. Here in this court, we deal with individuals as individuals and care for individuals as individuals. As human beings, we reach out for justice.
You are not an enemy combatant. You are a terrorist. You are not a soldier in any war. You are a terrorist. To give you that reference, to call you a soldier, gives you far too much stature. Whether the officers of government do it or your attorney does it, or if you think you are a soldier, you are not—– you are a terrorist. And we do not negotiate with terrorists. We do not meet with terrorists. We do not sign documents with terrorists. We hunt them down one by one and bring them to justice.
So war talk is way out of line in this court. You are a big fellow. But you are not that big. You’re no warrior. I’ve known warriors. You are a terrorist. A species of criminal that is guilty of multiple attempted murders. In a very real sense, State Trooper Santiago had it right when you first were taken off that plane and into custody and you wondered where the press and the TV crews were, and he said: ‘You’re no big deal..’
You are no big deal.
What your able counsel and what the equally able United States attorneys have grappled with and what I have as honestly as I know how tried to grapple with, is why you did something so horrific. What was it that led you here to this courtroom today?
I have listened respectfully to what you have to say. And I ask you to search your heart and ask yourself what sort of unfathomable hate led you to do what you are guilty and admit you are guilty of doing? And, I have an answer for you. It may not satisfy you, but as I search this entire record, it comes as close to understanding as I know.
It seems to me you hate the one thing that to us is most precious. You hate our freedom. Our individual freedom. Our individual freedom to live as we choose, to come and go as we choose, to believe or not believe as we individually choose. Here, in this society, the very wind carries freedom. It carries it everywhere from sea to shining sea. It is because we prize individual freedom so much that you are here in this beautiful courtroom, so that everyone can see, truly see, that justice is administered fairly, individually, and discretely. It is for freedom’s sake that your lawyers are striving so vigorously on your behalf, have filed appeals, will go on in their representation of you before other judges.
We Americans are all about freedom. Because we all know that the way we treat you, Mr. Reid, is the measure of our own liberties. Make no mistake though. It is yet true that we will bear any burden; pay any price, to preserve our freedoms. Look around this courtroom. Mark it well. The world is not going to long remember what you or I say here. The day after tomorrow, it will be forgotten, but this, however, will long endure.
Here in this courtroom and courtrooms all across America , the American people will gather to see that justice, individual justice, justice, not war, individual justice is in fact being done. The very President of the United States through his officers will have to come into courtrooms and lay out evidence on which specific matters can be judged and juries of citizens will gather to sit and judge that evidence democratically, to mold and shape and refine our sense of justice.
See that flag, Mr. Reid? That’s the flag of the United States of America . That flag will fly there long after this is all forgotten. That flag stands for freedom.. And it always will.
Mr. Custody Officer. Stand him down.
So, how much of this Judge’s comments did we hear on our TV sets? We need more judges like Judge Young. Pass this around. Everyone should and needs to hear what this fine judge had to say. Powerful words that strike home.
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SISTER MARY ANN’S GASOLINE
> Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out
> making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of
> gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a
> block away.
> She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
> attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
>
> but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on
>
> the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to
>
> her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas
> and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
>
> Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,
>
> and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
>
> As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
>
> across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts,
>
> I’m turning Catholic.”
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ANOTHER JOKE FROM A BUDDY ‘DOWN UNDER’ LOVE EM!
Wheelie bin!!!
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There’s no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
“Harro!” says the Japanese man.
“Gudday, mate! Where’s ya bin?” asks the collector.
“I bin on toiret,” explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. “No! no! mate, where’s your dust bin?”
“I dust been to toiret, I tor you!” says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
“Listen,” says the collector. “You’re misunderstanding me.
Where’s you’re ‘w h e e l i e’ bin?’”
“OK, OK.” replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector’s ear…..
I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife’s sista!”"
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What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend get away, Bill and his wife, Janice, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..”
He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’
Bill leaned over, touched Janice’s arm gently, and whispered,
‘Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?’
And thus began Bill’s life of celibacy……….
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