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HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES March 21st, 2010

By fred | March 21, 2010

HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – MARCH 21^TH, 2010

I am sorry that I haven’t gotten another Humor & Stuff for Buddies out sooner, it certainly is not the fault of all of you. In fact this is only a tiny bit of the stuff sent in the last couple of weeks by all.

I have been and will be jammed the next couple of weeks changing many of my store listings on eBay for a big change they will start on March 30^th when all store listings will automatically be included in there fixed price listings, this should be a huge boost for all eBay store sellers like me.

There are a few things I would like to review before we get into the stuff on Humor, etc. –

We lost Dale Martinusen a super friend and buddy to many of us. He was also the guy writing the “FULL GALE DALE” articles for my BLOG Chipping from the rough! Dale was always a diplomat about stuff, never lost his cool, but had a mind like a steel trap, I thank God he was a Democrat. He will be dearly missed!

Second, the article that was SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN about the Mexican population in California by the L. A. Times was bull shit, plain and simple. It was based on a lot of half truths, like they included ALL illegal people in California in the figures. There are tons of folks from the Orient and other parts of the world making up the figures. ALSO the parts about how much is costs others – tax payers – in California for supporting illegal’s is suspect big time, – it seems that some reports state that having the Mexican population is a financial plus for the state.

I and my friend that sent it to me were caught with our pants down on this one, believed it.

The truth came out when another friend of mine living back East after reading it said he did not believe it. It happens that Per was a professional writer for magazines, papers all his life and had the means of doing the research. So he did the research and found out that it was a lie, just more right wing lies, Republicans slating stuff wrong to fool the public. I am sorry I was a part of sending it to you.

ALSO, I received some more stuff about Health Care, the awful stuff it will do for us all. Again, this was a bunch of one lines and just some words taken from pages to fool us and scare us. Never believe this crap unless you read the whole page or the whole bill.

Included in this Humor & Stuff is an excellent 10 point article about what health care as a bill will do for us. ALSO – PLEASE REMEMBER – SOMETHING MANY FORGET. Health care of all citizens the Health Care Bill in Congress is APPROVED BY THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION. That means that the doctors, damn near all of them WANT THIS BILL TO PASS.

The ones that don’t want it to pass are the getting filthy rich medical insurance companies, the pharmaceutical companies, all those grabbing your bucks and do not give a damn about folks dying, or the fact that our industry has to add 10% to the cost of their products for employee health care when other industrialized nations do not.

When China is looking to have a national health care to help their industry – that fact alone should scare the piss out of us. Without a national health care we Americans will in ten or twenty years become a poor nation as we will not be able to compete with the rest of the world.

The lies, the using part truths and adding fear and disarray to attain their goals, the goals of special interests and the extremely wealthy industries – that they can fool us all by these lies and half truths – all is the shame of our nation. And the fact that we as Americans are stupid enough to believe these lies and fears that have no foundation is also a national shame.

Sorry, but it had to be said—

I will try to have another chapter from Everybody’s Danish in a few weeks, but will need a few weeks to get my eBay store in high gear.

Till next time – Lots of love – Uncle Fred

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just

been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised

and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“ Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“! That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that

to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“ That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and

a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“ Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended

yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
” That I did,” said Paddy.
“Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty

it was, but useless in a fight.”

**********************************************************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving

home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
“ So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“ Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite

a few to drink this evening.”
“ I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“D id you know,” says the cop, standing straight and

folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

***********************************************************************************************************

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual,

when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve

somethin’ to tell ya”.
“ Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome,

Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“ That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.”

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”

“ I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead

and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. ”How did it happen, Tim?”
“ It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of

Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,

Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

************************************************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’ Grady after his Sunday

morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “ So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news . My

husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary,

did he have any last requests?”
S he says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ”
She says, He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’

*********************************************************************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters!

a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention

but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s

no paper on this side either!”

GOOD THING TO KNOW:
New Law: If a patrol car is pulled over to the side of the road, you have to change to the next lane (away from the stopped vehicle) or slow down by 20 mph.
Every state except Hawaii and Maryland and the D.C. has this law. In California, the “Move-over” law became operative on January 1, 2010. http://www.moveoveramerica.com/

A friend’s son got a ticket for this recently. A police car (turned out it was 2 police cars) was on the side of the road giving a ticket to someone else. He slowed down to pass but did not move into the other lane.
The second police car immediately pulled him over and gave him a ticket. He had never heard of the law.
It is a fairly new law that states if any emergency vehicle is on the side of the road, if you are able, you are to move into the far lane.
The cost of the ticket was $754, with 3 points on your license and a mandatory court appearance.
Please let everyone you know that drives about this new law. It is true (see details at the following web address). http://www.snopes.com/politics/traffic/moveover.asp

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this.”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows.”

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look.

I hope that you have a very blessed day!

F1 Key Virus IE – Internet Explorer users

Be careful going online. There is a new threat to your computer!

There is malware (computer virus) out there that insists you press the F1 key. Under NO circumstances should you press function key F1 if you are prompted to do so. To do so would spread the virus through your system. Close out the window asap, however you need to do that. Microsoft is aware of the vulnerability of Internet Explorer and is working on a patch. This information is current as of March 4, 2010.

True: http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/f1key.asp

One day I had lunch with some friends. Jim, a short, balding golfer type about 80 years old, came along with them all in all, a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, “Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate.

I wasn’t sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. “Along with heated apple pie,” Jim added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.. But when our orders were brought out, I didn’t enjoy mine.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Jim as his pie a-la-mode went down. The other guys couldn’t believe it. They ate their lunches silently and grinned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Jim. I lunched on white meat tuna. He ordered a parfait.

I smiled. He asked if he amused me

I answered, “Yes, you do, but also you confuse me.

How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible? He laughed and said “I’m tasting all that is Possible.

I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life’s so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.

This year I realized how old I was. (He grinned) I haven’t been this old before.” “So, before I die, I’ve got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven’t smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven’t fished. There’s more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

There are too many golf courses I haven’t played. I’ve not laughed at all the jokes. I’ve missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.

I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

I haven’t cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again.

So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I’d say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart’s desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired..”

With that, I called the waitress over.. “I’ve changed my mind, ” I said. “I want what he is having, only add some more whipped cream!”

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke..” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one day when the two enter. “The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.
“Same,” says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?” “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Don’t break the elastic!

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was ’exciting…’
Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day…..like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience laughed so hard they cried.. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:
‘I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.’

‘I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.’

‘I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.’

‘I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as ‘making a life.’

‘I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.’

‘I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back…’

‘I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.’

‘I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.’

‘I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.’

‘I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn…’

‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’

Please send this to five phenomenal friends today… and back to me if you think i’m one also.
If you do, something good will happen: You will boost another person’s self-esteem..

If you don’t…the elastic will break and your underpants will fall down around your ankles! … I sent it to a lot of special people I care for.

Ed Saraffian sent this jewel – my bride of 60 years Sally, my son Rick and I have had a ball looking at our old neighborhoods, places we owned and lived – it is truly a kick – we should all thank Ed for this one! Uncle Fred

Hey Gang—-This is so neat!

See a picture of where you grew up.

This is really amazing….Check out some of your old”haunts.”

When you enter an address you will see a picture of that place. There’s a little map with a little man on it – you can move the little man up and down the block if you need to. Use the N on the direction circle to look around. I just looked at my childhood home! Really nice website!

http://www.vpike.com/

An elderly gentleman….
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’

A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
‘ Twelve thirty..’

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

On vacation in Europe, Bob noticed a marble column in a Church in Rome with a golden telephone on it. Bob asked who the telephone was for . The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he’d like to call , it would be a thousand dollars. Bob was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Europe Bob kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each he asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars.

Bob finished his tour of Europe with a stop in Ireland. He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath there was a sign stating: “”DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN -25CENTS” “Father,”he said. Ï have been all over Europe and in all the cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?” The priest smiled and said: “Son, you’re in Ireland now. It’s a local call.”

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
——————————————– —————
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
———————————————————–
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
———————————————————–
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’
———————————————————–
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
———————————————————-
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
– ——————————————————–
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
—————————————————-
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
——————————————————
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
——————————————————
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
To the select few women who can handle it!

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

Something To Smile About

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,

‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:

’No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister,

and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning

and a good ending;

and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Gabor

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don’t feel old.

I don’t feel anything until noon.

Then it’s time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty ….

But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

10 things to know about health care reform

By Angie Drobnic Holan, Times Staff Writer

Published Thursday, March 18, 2010

PolitiFact has checked hundreds of claims about health care reform and read the plans under consideration by Congress. As the legislation moves toward a final vote, we’ve selected 10 facts that every voter should know. Agree with the measure or not, here’s what it intends to do and where the big unknowns are.

1. The plan is not a government takeover of health care like in Canada or Britain. The government will not take over hospitals or other privately run health care businesses. Doctors will not become government employees, like in Britain. And the U.S. government intends to help people buy insurance from private companies, not pay all the bills like the system in Canada. The key parts of the current U.S. system — employer-provided insurance, Medicare for the elderly, Medicaid for the poor — would stay in place. The government would create health insurance exchanges for people who have to buy insurance on their own, so they could more easily compare plans and prices.

2. Insurance companies will be regulated more heavily. They will be told the minimum services they must cover, including preventive care. They will have to pay out a certain percentage of premiums for patient care. By 2014, when the exchanges open, insurers won’t be able to deny customers for pre-existing conditions.

3. Everyone will have to have health insurance or pay a fine. The government intends to cap premiums for people who make below a certain income. For people who buy insurance on the exchanges, a family of four making $88,000 would have a cap of 9.5 percent of their income. Lower incomes would have lower caps. The fine for not having insurance would be a minimum of $695 per person per year, with exemptions for financial hardship and other special cases.

4. Employers will not be required to buy insurance for employees, but large employers may be subject to fines if they don’t provide insurance. Congress wanted to encourage employers, especially large ones, to offer insurance. So they created a fine for employers with more than 50 workers: If those employees buy insurance on the exchanges and qualify for a low-income credit, the employer would have to pay a fine. Fines are calculated based on number of employees.

5. The vast majority of people will not see significant declines in premiums. When President Barack Obama talks about premiums going down, he usually means they won’t go up as much as they would otherwise. For the four out of five who get insurance through their employers, the savings would land in the 0 percent to 3 percent range by 2016, according to the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office. People who buy insurance on their own but don’t qualify for government subsidies could see premiums rise by as much as 13 percent, but that’s largely because they’ll be getting beefed-up policies that would pay for more basic services, especially preventive care. Low-income people who qualify for new credits to buy insurance would see the biggest drops.

6. The plan might or might not bend the curve on health spending. Critics say there aren’t enough provisions to reduce waste or fraud, but Democrats say they’re not being given enough credit for new cost-saving pilot programs that could be rapidly expanded. The most recent estimate of the plan, released Thursday by the CBO, said that it would spend $940 billion over 10 years. But new taxes, penalties and cost savings would offset that spending, the CBO said, so that overall the plan pays for itself, dropping the deficit by $138 billion over 10 years. Obama has said the plan will save more than $1 trillion in the second 10 years, but that estimate, according to the CBO, is highly speculative.

7. The government-run Medicare program will keep paying medical bills for seniors, but it will begin implementing cost controls on health care providers, mostly through penalties and incentives. The legislation would reduce payments for hospital-acquired infections or preventable hospital admissions. For Medicare Advantage, the government intends to reduce extra payments, taking away subsidies to private insurers. Insurers will likely cut benefits in order to not lose profits. The bill does not address the “doctors’ fix,” an expected proposal that Congress usually passes to prevent doctors’ Medicare payments from severe cuts.

8. Medicaid, a joint federal-state program for the poor, will cover all of the poor, instead of just a few groups. Right now, to qualify for Medicaid, a person has to be poor and also disabled, elderly, pregnant or a child. Under the new plan, all poor adults would qualify.

9. The government won’t pay for elective abortions. But under the Senate plan, people will be able to buy insurance that covers abortion on the insurance exchanges, as long as the insurance company pays for the services with patient premiums, not taxpayer subsidies. Medicaid has an exemption for cases of rape, incest or the life of the mother.

10. No one is proposing new benefits for illegal immigrants. Some House members had hoped that illegal immigrants would be able to buy insurance with their own money through the new exchanges, but that appears unlikely.

What I Want In A Man!
Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it!

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: “Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now
I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis

Good ole Frank…………………….

     A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just
like Frank.”

     Passenger: “Who?”

     Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all
the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened
like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

     Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

     Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could
have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

     Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

     Cabbie: “There’s more … He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like
me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,
he could do everything right.”

     Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

     Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and
avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

     Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

     Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died … I’m
married to his fucking widow.”

This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are guaranteed. Here goes….

   My father never drove a car. Well, that’s not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.

   He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.

   ”In those days,” he told me when he was in his 90s, “to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it.”

   At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irish woman, chimed in: “Oh, bull—-! She said. “He hit a horse.”

   ”Well,” my father said, “there was that, too.”

   So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars — the Kollingse’s next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the Van Laningham’s across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopson’s two doors down a black 1941 Ford — but we had none.

My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines , would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.

   My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we’d ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. “No one in the family drives,” my mother would explain, and that was that.

   But, sometimes, my father would say, “But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we’ll get one.” It was as if he wasn’t sure which one of us would turn 16 first.

   But, sure enough, my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.

   It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn’t drive, it more or less became my brother’s car. Having a car but not being able to drive didn’t bother my father, but it didn’t make sense to my mother.

   So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father’s idea. “Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?” I remember him saying more than once.

   For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps — though they seldom left the city limits — and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.

   Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn’t seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.

   (Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)

   He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin’s Church. She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish’s two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.

   If it was the assistant pastor, he’d take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests “Father Fast” and “Father Slow.”

   After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he’d sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I’d stop by, he’d explain: “The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored.”

   If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out — and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, “Do you want to know the secret of a long life?”

   ”I guess so,” I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.

   ”No left turns,” he said.

   ”What?” I asked.

   ”No left turns,” he repeated. “Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic.

   As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn.”

   ”What?” I said again.

   ”No left turns,” he said. “Think about it. Three rights are the same as a left, and that’s a lot safer. So we always make three rights..”

   ”You’re kidding!” I said, and I turned to my mother for support. “No,” she said, “your father is right. We make three rights. It works.” But then she added: “Except when your father loses count.”

   I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.

   ”Loses count?” I asked.

   ”Yes,” my father admitted, “that sometimes happens. But it’s not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you’re okay again.”

   I couldn’t resist. “Do you ever go for 11?” I asked.

”No,” he said ” If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can’t be put off another day or another week.”

My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90.

   She lived four more years, until 2003. My father died the next year, at 102.

   They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom — the house had never had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)

   He continued to walk daily — he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he’d fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising — and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.

   One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.

   A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, “You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred.” At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, “You know, I’m probably not going to live much longer.”

   ”You’re probably right,” I said.

   ”Why would you say that?” He countered, somewhat irritated.

   ”Because you’re 102 years old,” I said..

    “Yes,” he said, “you’re right.” He stayed in bed all the next day.
   That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night.

   He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said: “I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet.”

   An hour or so later, he spoke his last words: “I want you to know,” he said, clearly and lucidly, “that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have.”

   A short time later, he died.

   I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I’ve wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.

   I can’t figure out if it was because he walked through life, or because he quit taking left turns.”

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.

So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one’s who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it & if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.”

ENJOY LIFE NOW – IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE!