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GETTING OLD? YA GOTTA BE SNEAKY – GETS YOU EVERYTHING!
By fred | July 25, 2008
Every so often with buddies I send out a note, just cause the spirit moves me, not for any world shaking occasion. Where do I put it?? – looked for a place, a category, couldn’t find one so I stuck it in “Humor from buddies.’
This is one of those occasions where I thought we should have a chat about old age, since I am a certified old fart, what the heck, I ought to be able to write about it.
I know you usually like to hear words of wisdom – like how to make billions on a stock, or further discussion related to the ass we have in Washington controlling our lives or should I say ass’s including the 535 or so in Congress re – the recent article we reviewed here related to those running the show in Washington. No such luck, this time I just want to talk to old friends, many of you on this BLOG I consider as such.
The subject is old age, dealing with it – or not!
I will be 79 in October, the 30th to be exact. Now don’t tell me I was a Halloween baby, lucked out and missed that by one day. Still the jokes about that have followed me all through life.
Now you can look at getting old a number of ways, you can be a sour old fart or for ladies a ‘fartress’, is there such a word? Or did I just develop a new one? Anyway, there is good and there is the bad. I will try not to stress the bad, all of you that are either old or approaching that state knows the bad.
Pains in every joint, memory loss, taking med daily, not one but dozens of pills is all just a part of being a certified old fart. Doctor bills, surgeries, and God knows what. Everything is shutting down, slowly, but you gotta know eventually you are going, next year or in ten years, it is getting close.
Then, there is the plus side of old age. Let us dwell there. If you are a foxy old duffer, a sneaky bastard like your Uncle Fred you will use those to advantage.
Like my Costume Jewelry Etc. eBay store. If you goof up, your customer will give you a ‘negative’ feed back. Now that is a no, no for a seller. On the top of all listings eBay has the percentage of your feedbacks, if you are over 99% you are doing a heck of a job. I have a 99.2%. Why? Being nice and a bit sneaky is why.
Ha! I screwed up a shipment to a lovely Canadian lady the other day. (Hope she is not reading this!) I must have somehow missed seeing where she paid Pay Pal, had it in my books as ‘pending.’ Finally, after almost a month, she writes me a nice e-mail, politely asking where is her pink sapphire bracelet?
I found the payment, then I sat there sweating, how could you screw up like that Fred? So I use the senior card. Hey, don’t knock it, I am not lying, I am old so that gives me the privilege of using that card. Of course, a little humility doesn’t hurt, there are some nice folks in this world, in fact most are, if you hit the right note with them. So what does your sneaky old Uncle Fred do?
First, I told the lady that I honestly was sorry, that it is was my mistake, that I would ship the item immediately, that at 79 year years of age, I had a senior moment. Don’t laugh, playing the senior card helps – most folks, thank Heavens are nice and very considerate of the failings of us seniors.
I also do one other thing, that may give me an edge but it is more for me than the customer. I tell them that because I screwed up I will include a gift with their purchase. If it is a lady I usually send along a nice brooch that may cost me all the profit I made on that sale. Why?? Well, I figure that will remind me to be careful in the future. I do it to punish myself for being stupid, at least that was my original reason, however I found that it was very effective.
O. K. I did not make any money on that sale, but the customer forgave me and left a positive feedback. She did not take out her anger and frustrations – dealing with a 79 year old idiot. Whatever the reason, folks love it. Amazingly, customers I made mistakes on, come back and buy again and again and send others to buy. So—maybe I am not punishing myself as much as promoting the business, only it did not start that way.
Being old – I happen to have a super doctor, let me qualify that, I have a bunch of doctors now, like the prostate doctor I still have to see yearly to make sure the cancer does not come back. I have several heart docs. Dr. Lowy, he monitors my heart rhythm, seems I have a heart that every so often takes off with a boogie beat all of it’s own, reason I can’t handle stress as it takes off like it wants to do the tango. I understand that is the one thing that will likely eventually kill me, as it goes along smoothly then it stops. Some day after a tango and it stops it will just not start up again. They tried to fix it, banging me with some electronic paddles, but that did not work. Of course, the dang thing starts right up again right away, but Doc Lowy says someday it may not. Of course, we are not figuring this for any time soon.
Then there is my heart surgeon, I little guy by the name of Doc Begin. He is a super guy and we have become good buddies. Last fall when I was lying on the cart table, all prepped up for my heart surgery -it did not take place of four hours after the scheduled time. They had three what the hospital calls ‘Code Blue’ that is where some poor gal or guy is having some sort of attack and all the docs take off to try and save their lives.
Four hours after the scheduled time for the operation Doc Begin comes into this tiny cubical where I am and is apologizing like crazy for being so far behind schedule. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him if he was involved with the three ‘Code Blues’ that morning. He said yes he was, unfortunately all three were heart attacks so he had to attend them. I told him he would wait to operate on my all day if he was saving lives.
Funny, I will never forget the smile, the look on his face. He told me that most of the time if he had to delay a surgery, even a half hour, the person that was delayed would chew his ass. I was one of the first that understood. Amazing, I could not believe it, chewing your surgeon out before he starts to chop on you – to me did not seem tooooo smart in the first place. My Old Danish Dad always said to be nice, and to be especially nice if a person has a knife in their hands. But you find in this world – it takes all kinds. Doc Begin is one of my favorites.
EXCEPT – His office helper called the other day and said, due to one of the numerous blood samples they take. (I truly believe there is some vampire they are feeding blood too- every week I have to be punctured and have blood taken for something or other. Whenever I visit a doctor I just roll of my sleeve automatically.) Doc Begin’s helper, said I must take two fish oil tablets in the morning and two at night.
What fish oil has to do with a heart surgeon I have no idea, something to do with good and bad cholesterol or some such. My Mom’s mother, Grandma Marie, an old but tough as nails Danish lady, lived with us when I was a kid. Every day until I left for the army after high school she made me take a tablespoon full of cod liver oil before breakfast. My God is that stuff awful, even after a big breakfast I would burp up the taste of the awful stuff. Fortunately the capsules are not that bad, but each morning and night I wait for the burp up taste of the stuff, so far so good. I am taking them before meals, get em way down in your tummy, stuff a bunch of food on top, and hope the devils do not work their way up to give you a good old fishy burp!
Of course, there are others- my eye doc, my teeth doc, my joint surgeon, he put in a new shoulder a few years ago. He is waiting to do my old football knees and maybe a few hip jobs down the line. They can replace most stuff on your body, a new brain would be nice, but don’t think they have gotten that far. Oh, yes, I hope the ladies will not mind if I wish they could restore the functions of whatever my prostate surgeon removed, that we shall rise again – is not the case now, but I am alive, well barely alive without that important function.
I have folks monitoring my blood for thinners, there are docs now for everything. I will admit that my favorite is my general doc. Dr. Wynne, he has put up with me for years.
Doc Wynne has chewed my ass so many times my butt is sore just walking into his office. At my age, when he says, “O.K. Fred what’s the matter this time?” I usually reply, “Doug, do you want the long version? Maybe we should go out for lunch.” Usually he says he has a lot of patients and give him the short version. If he ever wanted the long version, even if I tried to be orderly about it all and started from the top of my head and worked down, it could take awhile, a long, long, long while.
Of course, there again I have learned to be a sneaky old fart. The receptionist he has had forever, Cathy, and his head nurse, Hilary, both are big buddies. Both get a gift every year, not for Christmas, then they get a huge box of Costco imported cookies for the office in general, but sometime during each year I give them a jewelry gift, it may only cost me $5 bucks but would sell for upwards to $15 or $20 in a store.
Girls, ladies love to get gifts out of the blue, really turns em on. So—if I need a favor, a fast appointment, a new prescription fast, my girls take care of their old Uncle Fred. If you are old, want attention, NEED attention, you are a damn fool not to grease the wheels that provide it. Let’s list this as Uncle Fred’s old fart rule number one!
What I am trying to say here is if you are old, a few rules, yes, they may be a bit sneaky, but they can get you everything. Let me – off the top of my head list a few:
1. Always be nice, being a cranky, mean person will get you nothing, and I mean nothing. A small gift, doesn’t have to be a big deal will get you everything.
2. Don’t be a bore telling younger folks all about your hurts your ailments. If you must list them do so in a humorous way, it will get you more concern and help, I promise.
3. Thank folks that help you, it costs you nothing, and folks, most folks love to be thanked and will be there for you time and time again. Just tell them how much you appreciate their help.
4. If you have a few bucks, do as I do, a pack of cookies for your doctor, your nurses – every so often helps. They are just like anyone, they see a lot of people each day, BUT, if you show, by a small gift, every so often that you appreciate them, you will be amazed at the benefits. Your appointments will be when you want it, prescriptions send or given fast, etc. etc. you will become a special person to them not just a patient with a number. Do it!!
5. The hardest part is private – something each of us has to do – that is look at each day as a new adventure. Try always to look at the fun side, the humorous side of everything. Everything you do in life can be looked at as either bad or good, you will be amazed at how much bad stuff can be really funny if you think about it like that.
6. One other thing, if you have kids or family, need help, try and get it from them. Use friends only if you have too. Remember, if you use a friend for help once in a while it is O. K. but more than that you are a pest. Sorry, but it is true. Go to blood relations, a hint or two about your will, that the family will benefit, just a hint mind you, may make sure the relatives at attentive. This brings us back to rule one about being – “Sneaky!”
O. K. someday I will try and get back to this subject again. Right now I am tired, but have to reserve enough energy to plant three shrubs ‘She Who Must Be Obeyed’ purchased at the nursery yesterday on our shopping into town day.
I know there are a few of you out there that are nearing my old age status, if you want to pop in a few remarks please do so. Especially if you have any ‘Sneaky’ ideas to pass along, I know for sure that some of you are also sneaky old farts like your Uncle Fred.
Getting old is a bitch, but it is also an adventure, I have had a super life, a super wife, super kids, and friends that I love, so—if God gets a bit lonesome and wants his Uncle Fred to pay him a visit, – why not? No complaints, just hopefully He has enough to keep Him busy for awhile yet — and hopefully He can do without me for yet awhile.
Love ya, Uncle Fred
Topics: HUMOR FROM BUDDIES | 1 Comment »
July 25th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
I have always tried to live by uncle Fred’s wise rule to be nice even to people who have tried your patience.One example:When we bought our first house in 1990,our mortgage guy misplaced some critical paperwork,throwing a scare into our seller,who panicked and was furious.We were getting a rock bottom price on the house but The seller needed to sell immediately.Finally the papers are found and the deal is saved.A week later we get an evaluation form from our bank,on how our guy did.I wrote him up nice for the things he did well,and just didn’t mention the error.A few years go by,and mortgage rates have a sudden collapse.No one can get appt’s to refinance because every lender is booked.I call our old mortgage guy,who tells me he is booked,too,but he remembers the nice review I gave him so he offers to COME TO OUR HOUSE on his way in to work.We got the exact bottom day in mortgage rates for many a year,as they headed sharply higher before the ink was even dry on our paperwork.I figure I saved $120,000 in interest,so it does,indeed,pay to be nice,and not be an a***ole when someone makes a mistake.Mark.