« STOCKS – UNCLE FRED’S READ ON INVESTING NOW | Home | EVERYBODY’S DANISH – About Christmas »
HUMOR FROM BUDDIES
By fred | December 12, 2008
Today I wanted to clean off my messages, as usually I it took a lot longer than I wished — why? If you have all the buddies I have, with their wide range of humor you would know why.
Much of it is from guys and the ladies are targeted, although my gal buddy down under in Australia sent one about getting old and not remembering that was cool.
Don’t worry ladies, much of the humor only goes to show that men should never argue with OR even attempt to compete with the ladies, guys are out of their league.
Yes, before forwarding this to you I did clean it up a bit here and there as boys will be boys. There was one where mostly naked ladies and a few guys were painted with body paint. They did not have a stitch of clothes on but you could not tell it. Took your old Uncle Fred quite a while wondering if it would be O. K. to send, after minute inspections (only looking at the “ART” aspect of it all – honest ladies, oh well, I will admit naked ladies even covered with paint are delightful to look at) I decided it would be best to not present it to you. In another life I may have to take up painting.
Back to the following humor -the ladies seem to come out on top, – sharper minds – there are areas that men should never attempt to complete – winning just never is going to happen, ladies are just basicly sharper when it comes to conversations, fun and games between the sexes!
Haven’t done any ‘HUMOR FROM BUDDIES’ for quite a while, I hope in these times of worry about our economy, our nation’s problems – a laugh, a smile may give your day a lift! Uncle Fred
HUMOR FROM BUDDIES
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor,
‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’
He addressed the man,
‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
NEXT
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
NEXT
THE GUYS’ RULES
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY , THE GUYS’ SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I MUST ADMIT, IT’S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR ” THE RULES “FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED “1″
ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT
YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING BECAUSE YOU LEAVE IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT’S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.
1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT’S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM.
SEE A DOCTOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1.. IF YOU WON’T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA ‘S SECRET GIRLS,DON’T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON’T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS..
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
1.. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY “NOTHING,” WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE. REALLY .
1. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS SEX, CARS, THE SHOTGUN FORMATION,
OR BASKETBALL.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes
1. I am in shape. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;
BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON’T MIND THAT? IT’S LIKE CAMPING.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.
PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH
NEXT
The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality. For instance Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them. Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.
What a gal, that Sarah is such a sport, and thinks of everything.
NEXT
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where The hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I’m doing…
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,..
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start think ing too much
about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
NEXT
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations.
The Library will include:
1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President’s accomplishments.
The library will also include many famous Quotes by George W. Bush:
1. ‘The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.’
2. ‘If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.’
3. ‘Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.’
4. ‘No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.’
5. ‘I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.’
6. ‘One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.’
7. ‘Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.’
8. ‘I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.’
9. ‘The future will be better tomorrow.’
10. ‘We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.’
11. ‘One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.’ (during an education photo-op)
12. ‘Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.’
13. ‘We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.’
14. ‘It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’
15. ‘I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.’ – Geoge W. Bush to Sam Donaldson
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!
Sincerely,
Jack Abramoff,
Co-Chair , G. W. Bush Library Board of Directors
NEXT
> >> Forgetter Be Forgotten
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> My forgetter’s getting better,
> >> But my rememberer is broke
> >> To you that may seem funny
> >> But, to me, that is no joke
> >>
> >> For when I’m ‘here’ I’m wondering
> >> If I really should be ‘there’
> >> And, when I try to think it through,
> >> I haven’t got a prayer!
> >>
> >> Oft times I walk into a room,
> >> Say ‘what am I here for?’
> >> I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
> >> A zero, is my score.
> >>
> >> At times I put something away
> >> Where it is safe, but, Gee!
> >> The person it is safest from
> >> Is, generally, me!
> >>
> >> When shopping I may see someone,
> >> Say ‘Hi’ and have a chat,
> >> Then, when the person walks away
> >> I ask myself, ‘who the hell was that?’
> >>
> >> Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
> >> While my rememberer is broke,
> >> And it’s driving me plumb crazy
> >> And that isn’t any joke.
> >>
> >> CAN YOU RELATE???
> >> Please send this to everyone you know
> >> because
> >>
> >>
> >> I DON’T REMEMBER
> >> WHO I SENT T HIS TO!
NEXT
WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’
NEXT
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’
‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’
NEXT
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
NEXT
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’
Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’
Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’
NEXT
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
NEXT
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you’ve learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
A. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.& nbsp;
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
B. By the way…
1) There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
2 )English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.
3) Sweet meats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet nor breads.
4) Quicksand works slowly.
5) Boxing rings are square.
6) A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
7) Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
9) One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
10)Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
11)If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
12)If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
13)If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
14)In what language do people recite a t a play and play at a recital?
15)Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
16)Have noses that run and feet that smell?
17)How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
C. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which:
1) your house can burn up as it burns down,
2) in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
3)in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
D. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. – Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?
NEXT
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…. so, I took her to a gas station….. and then the fight started….
*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that’s when the fight started.
************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security offi ce to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security appli cation.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’ And then the fight started…..
************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And then the fight started…..
************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little thing s just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me , and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And that’s how the fight started…..
*************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s how the fight started…..
Topics: HUMOR FROM BUDDIES | No Comments »