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HUMOR FROM BUDDIES – A bit of education tooo!
By fred | January 10, 2009
In these trying times a bit of humor should be on the menu. I am blessed with some of the most amazing gals and guy buddies there are as friends, many for 60 years, some recent, all loved. Super friends that send me stuff constantly so I am sending the reapings of a few days.
The first however is not really humor. If you are married, have a girl friend, or just must be around ladies, girls, females – these most amazing of God’s creatures, I STRONGLY suggest that you take heed the the first one – NINE WORDS WOMEN USE. Not learning the usage, the true meaning to these words can make your life hell on earth. Thank Heavens I learned the true meaning of these words very early in our marriage, maybe why I am still alive and marriaged to Sally, my beloved for 59 years. NOT learning these words could have shortened that lifespan considerablely! Uncle Fred
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement of ten misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women ca n make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it’s true!!!
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ATHEIST HOLY DAY – ( A MUST READ ) FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY!
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,”Case dismissed!” The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no> such holidays.” The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.” The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.” The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God. Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned.
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A Blonde’s Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels….
Helllloooo!!!…….bottles won’t fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. Box said ’2-4 years!’
April
Trapped on escalator for hours …. Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of
Water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing…….couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later,
The other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in a rain storm….. Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is ‘C’…..isn’t it ?
October
Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn’t call 911 . ‘duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!
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Mick from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants
To Be A Millionaire’ and toward the end of the
program had already won 500,000 pounds.
‘You’ve done very well so far,’ said Chris
Tarrant, the show’s presenter, ‘but for a
million pounds you’ve only got one lifeline left -
phone a friend. Everything is riding on this
question……will you go for it?’
‘Sure,’ said Mick ‘I’ll have a go!’ Which
of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?’
A : Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo
‘I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ‘so
I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me
friend Paddy back home in Dublin’. Mick called up his mate
and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
‘Fookin hell, Mick!’ cried Paddy. ‘Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m fookin sure.’
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ‘I’ll go with the
Cuckoo as me answer.’
‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris!
‘Dat it is, Sir.’
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter
screamed, ‘Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to
their local pub to buy him a drink. ‘Tell me, Paddy? How in
Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn’t build its own nest?
‘Because he lives in a Fookin clock
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, I called “Lifeline”.
I got a freakin’ call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in
> the family business.
>
> When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
> father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
>
> One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
> woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
>
> “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in
> just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $20 million.”
>
> Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days
> later, she became his stepmother.
>
> Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You just can’t make this stuff up!!) .
>
> When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich’s house was burglarized
> recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even
> left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a generic
> white
> cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That’s the way the
> police report described it.)
>
> A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar
> to high-grade cocaine and they’d probably thought they’d hit the big
> time. Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded
> with the burglars.
>
> “Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died
> three years ago.”
>
> The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer
> known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan’s doorstep. The cardboard
> box was there too; about half of Gertrude’s ashes remained. Scotch
> taped to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus
> blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard
> feelings. Have a nice day.
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And, speaking of senior moments:
“WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!” The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
“Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
“Well, shit… so that’s why no one was at church today”.
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If you think a travel agent’s job is boring, just look at these examples.
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of ‘why’ our country is in trouble !
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .”
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ”
Her response – click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando ..
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, ‘don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!” (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada ?”
I said, ”No.”
She said, ”But they look so close on the map.” (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour
ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones..
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’
She replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”
After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , C A is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?”
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”
10. A lady Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida ..
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t.
I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times. and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” ‘
‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, ma’am,
I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.’
”The lady retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?”
The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED
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