HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – FEB. 23rd, 2010
By fred | February 23, 2010
HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES Feb. 23nd, 2010
Wow! We have 30 pages for you – humor and odds and ends from all of you.
Not much to report from what I call the ‘old fart health front’.
Loading up on Vitamin C, in my opinion, is as smart as it gets if you have ‘cold’ problems, take 5 or 6 big fat 1,000 mg’s a day for a few weeks and I will bet you feel a big difference like I did. I have not checked anywhere to find if taking mega doses of C is harmful and I haven’t the time to research it, this —-is going on the basis of what I don’t know won’t hurt me, so will keep taking them until I hear otherwise.
I get a kick out of hearing about the weather all over our nation. Heavy rains in California, snow in the east and south in amounts unheard of – and in our own Northwest we are having what we are told is the mildest winter in all of our nation’s recorded history. Lawns are starting to grow, the birds are eating more, and I understand that many of the sparrows, chickadees, etc, may have two broods of chicks or whatever they call their young. If I was a female sparrow and I had to raise two bunches of kids, whatever — I am not so sure I would be overjoyed at it all. Of course she can stay away from those sex seeking hot male sparrows – I guess even the birds have to make choices in life.
My latest report on my rich and maybe not so famous buddies – the Fuzz just purchased another airplane; a big sucker this time, looks big to me – he has had a love of the damn things all his life. He sold the last one two years ago and I was hoping that was it.
I told Fuzz I think he is nuts, of course if he had followed my advice over the years he would not have that mile long cruiser berthed at the yacht harbor – all those apartment and strip malls, shopping centers and high raises and all else he has built up over the years. Just he is one super guy and I am not in favor of guys 80 years or there about, especially guys I love – flying around up there, putting them selves at risk. I do not give a damn what physicals he took or say he took to be approved for flying – his buddy Uncle Fred thinks that is bull – at his age he should not be flying, that is Uncle Fred rules. Even the thought of an old fart buddy flying a plane makes me feel like ducking!
Best buddy Eddie has been off on so many cruises around the world, I cannot think of any part of the world he has missed, every few months I get a short note to not send stuff until such and such a time when he will get back from where ever. I have long since given up on keeping track of all that – so I just send stuff as usual. Sometimes I get e-mails just after a note that he will not be available for a few weeks. Find out he was on a boat somewhere in Greece or China, or South America, or Europe and wanted to send a few pics, etc.
Some day if I live long enough and all my buddies with the bucks are not here I will write a book, of course if I wrote it now they would likely lynch me. Seriously it would be a super book, as each of my buddies, Fuzz and Ed are two there is also Art and Ron to name a couple more that have a few more bucks than the rest of us seem to have – these are all truly super guys, hearts big as they come, – but somehow they think differently – and I have to say they are smarter than the rest of us, hey I admit it, – they think differently, know how to turn disaster into profit, make a bad deal good.
One thing I truly admire about my buddies Fuzz and Ed, both did not have a pot to pee in when they started out. Fuzz got his clock cleaned financially by his first wife and Ed worked and saved for every penny he had, losing his wife to cancer around 20 years ago and raising a teenage daughter by his self. These two are both smart as whips, did it themselves, and damn it if I do not admire them both for doing what it took to be successful, they both paid a price doing it and took some heavy risks. I admire guys with guts by God they deserve what they have because they worked for it – nothing was given to them. I will quit talking about Fuzz and Ed now because if I don’t shut up –my life may be in danger.
Janet, Jack’s wife is moving to a condo she purchased, it is in the same area of Port Townsend – Kali Point, that she lives in now, putting up Jack and her larger home for sale, it is too big for her and has too many memories of better times. Jan stuck by Jack like glue throughout his horrible cancer ordeal, drove daily in the cold and snow to be with him. They say ‘for better or for worse’ Jan did it all. She is loved dearly by all of us.
I love my eBay store, my niece Kathy, Jack & Jan’s oldest daughter, looked it over and said she could not believe it – that it was so well laid out and professional. Sure made me feel good after the thousands of hours I have spent working on it. However sometimes I should listen to Sally more, she was never a big jewelry buyer, heck if the ladies had the buying habits of my bride of the last 60 years I would never sell anything. Me? I am more flamboyant, if I was a lady I would have flashy jewelry hanging all over me. So my buying tended to reflect my ideal of what a lady should wear, turns out that there are a lot of ladies like Sally.
Like stud earrings, tiny gems in different cuts, had a few cheap one which sold O.K. but no big deal.
When the designer in Hong Kong I now represent, allowed me to buy directly form their factory I asked Sally to look at their presentations. She pointed immediately to the large selection of tiny stud earring, the lab created gems such as emeralds, diamonds, garnets, rubies, sapphires with the most excitement I have seen in her related to jewelry. I looked at them carefully, as these tiny gems with white or gold plate settings would sell for $8 or more including freight, twice as much as many of my earrings. I took a chance and purchased a few in December and they almost sold out in weeks.
I have a large load of them coming in another ten days, plus some of the smaller tiny dangles Sally says will sell even if they will go for $10 or more. I am finding that all ladies do not want cheap; it is me that is cheap and had the hang up of price. I had also brought in several necklaces of lab gems that sell for $29.00, only have two left, loved the workmanship and quality but hated the price I had to sell at.
Folks, many folks are looking for quality, so in my listings I have now set up special sections marked “BEST” for earrings, pendants, bracelets, etc. Darned it those smaller BEST sections are now outselling the cheaper, sometimes far cheaper larger selections of jewelry. Of course I love this upgrade to the better designer stuff, it takes just as much work packing and shipping a $5 earring or bracelet as it does to pack a $20 one.
I would like to get Sally more involved but she made the remark some time ago that she is retired even if I am not. Still – I will be using her more in the future as my unpaid, tell it like it is advisor!
This is a long Humor from Buddies – so go get a hot cup of coffee and hopefully enjoy.
Next week I will take you back to 1950 and my year of active duty in the peacetime U. S Army – I loved it – however this was peace time. Never was in the army in war – something I am thankful for!! This you better believe!
Love ya, Fred
START OF HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES ——————-
I LIKE THIS IDEA!……
The Fix
Recently there was an article in the St. Petersburg Fla Times. The
Business Section asked readers for ideas on: “How Would You Fix the
Economy?”
I think this guy nailed it!
Dear Mr. President,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America ’s economy. Instead
of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money
on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can
call it the “Patriotic Retirement Plan”:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them
$1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings – Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered – Auto
Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing
Crisis fixed.
It can’t get any easier than that!!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their
taxes…
Mr. President, while you’re at it, make Congress retire on Social
Security and Medicare. I’ll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know..
If not, please disregard.
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Insurers’ profits: healthy
McClatchy Tribune
Published Thursday, February 11, 2010
WASHINGTON — As the nation struggled last year with rising health care costs and a recession, the five largest health insurance companies racked up combined profits of $12.2 billion — up 56 percent over 2008, according to a new report by liberal health care activists.
Based on company financial reports for 2009 filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission, the report said insurers WellPoint, UnitedHealth Group, Cigna, Aetna and Humana covered 2.7 million fewer people than they did the year before.
The report Thursday also said three of the five insurers cut the proportion of premiums they spent on their customers’ medical care, committing relatively more to salaries, administrative expenses and profits.
Prepared by Heath Care for America Now, a coalition of liberal advocacy groups and labor unions, the report was aimed at bolstering the drive by Democrats to complete work on a health care overhaul, which insurers have vigorously opposed.
Industry representatives Thursday criticized the report’s approach, pointing out that 2008 was a bad year financially across many industries, skewing the 2009 comparison.
“It is disingenuous to look at the profits at one company today compared to where it was in the depth of a recession,” said Robert Zirkelbach, a spokesman for America’s Health Insurance Plans, the industry’s Washington-based lobbying arm.
The 2009 profits are nonetheless intensifying pressure on an industry already under attack for raising premiums and denying coverage to millions of Americans.
“That’s why we need health insurance reform today in this country and why we are going to continue in the Congress to work on this until we see it through,” said Rep. Rosa DeLauro, D-Conn., a leading advocate of the health legislation being pushed by Democrats on Capitol Hill.
In California, Anthem Blue Cross, a subsidiary of WellPoint, is facing growing scrutiny over its decision to raise premiums for individual health insurance policies by as much as 39 percent this year for some consumers.
Thursday, WellPoint defended the rate increase in a letter to U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, saying the rising rates reflect soaring medical costs and will average closer to 20 percent.
WellPoint also said Anthem’s individual business in California lost money in 2009, as the weak economy prompted many customers to switch to lower-cost options. The company did not say how much Anthem lost.
Indianapolis-based WellPoint as a whole posted a profit, recording net income of more than $4.7 billion in 2009, thanks in part to the sale of its NextRx pharmacy benefit management business, which accounted for roughly half the company’s profit.
That put WellPoint’s profit margin at 7.3 percent, the highest of the five big insurers. Margins at the other four ranged from 3.4 percent for Louisville, Ky., based Humana to 7.1 percent for Philadelphia based Cigna.
Other sectors of the health care industry, including pharmaceutical companies and device makers, typically are more profitable.
But the industry’s improving financial fortune is drawing more criticism because all but one of the companies achieved the better results at the same time they lost customers.
WellPoint shed nearly 1.4 million customers, a 3.9 percent drop over 2008, according to its filings. And Cigna lost 5.5 percent of its customers, or 639,000 people.
Only Aetna, which also was the only company whose profits decreased from 2008, gained new customers, picking up an additional 1.2 million people, an increase of 6.9 percent.
The shrinking customer base — which reflects increasing unemployment and the growing number of companies that are dropping coverage — was offset slightly by growth in the companies’ public sector business.
Many increased the number of people they insure through Medicare and Medicaid. The government programs for the elderly and the poor increasingly rely on private health plans to administer benefits.
Industry analyst Sheryl Skolnick, a senior vice president at CRT Capital Group, said many of the insurance companies would likely benefit from more customers.
But they are driven to increase prices for their products to satisfy investors, which in turn drives away more and more customers.
“It is a terrible thing to run your business for Wall Street,” Skolnick said. “It creates very bad incentives, and it ultimately prevents you from doing the thing that is in the best long-term interest of your business. … There is no way that as long as these businesses are publicly traded, they can have the best interest of their customers at heart.”
Fewer customers, more profit
Each of these companies, except Aetna, shed customers in 2009 and saw profits jump.
| Company | 2008 profit | 2009 profit | Change
in profit |
| WellPoint | $2.5B | $4.7B | + 91% |
| UnitedHealth | $3.0B | $3.8B | + 28% |
| Humana | $647M | $1B | + 61% |
| Cigna | $292M | $1.3B | + 346% |
| Aetna | $1.4B | $1.3B | – 8% |
| Totals | $7.8B | $12.2B | + 56% |
Source: U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission filings
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>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
>published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
>these exchanges were actually taking place…
>______________________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>______________________________ ______________
>
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>______________________________ _____________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>______________________________ ______________
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, “isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
>he
> doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>______________________________ ______
>
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
>______________________________ _____________
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
>______________________________ ___________
>
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Getting laid
>______________________________ ______________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
> Can I get a new attorney?
>______________________________ ______________
>
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Take a guess.
>______________________________ ______________
>
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
>______________________________ _______
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
> people?
>WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
>______________________________ ___________
>
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
> What school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
>______________________________ ___________
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
>______________________________ ______________
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
>______________________________ ________
>
>And the best for last:
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
> the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No .
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law.
>
>And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our
>government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.
>
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Your Yearly Dementia Test :
It’s that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin..
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast’ give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say ’silk’ five times. Now spell ’silk.’ What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said ‘water’, proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,’ why are you still reading these???
If you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question 4.
4. It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ). Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of ‘no man’s land’ between East Germany and West Germany … Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany ,
Or no man’s land’?
Answer: You don’t bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop. If you said, ‘You don’t bury survivors’, proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales .. In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don’t you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
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AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY
WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, “Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP
APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA
BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT
TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED
AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I’M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU’RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.”
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND
FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT
I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT,
DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN’T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE
YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
What I Want In A Man! – Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What I Want in a Man - Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I Want in a Man - Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man - Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man - Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears underwear
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend
What I Want in a Man - Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.
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Subject: Irish Virginity Test Kit…
Irish Virginity Test Kit
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, “Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself -Virginity Test Kit…. a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.”
Paddy asks, “Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, “That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever did see…”, ‘you hit her with the shovel.’
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The Last Nickel
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,’ the woman replied. I work for the I.R.S.”
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160 YEARS AGO IN CALIFORNIA
California became a state
The people had no electricity
The state had no money
Almost everyone spoke Spanish
There were gunfights in the streets
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn’t hold hands.
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Palin should run for president
By Leonard Pitts, Miami Herald – 02/14/2010
| Leonard PItts |
Dear Sarah Palin: I hear you’re pondering a run for the White House in 2012. Last week, you told Fox news it would be “absurd” to rule it out.
I’m writing to ask that you rule it in. I very badly want you to run for — and “win” — the Republican nomination for the presidency.
I know you’re waiting for the punch line. Maybe you figure I think you’d be a weak candidate who would pave the way for President Obama’s easy re-election.
That’s not it. No, I want you to run because I believe a Palin candidacy would force upon this country a desperately needed moment of truth. It would require us to finally decide what kind of America we want to be.
Mrs. Palin, you are an avatar of the shameless hypocrisy and cognitive disconnection that have driven our politics for the last decade, a process of stupidification creeping like kudzu over our national life.
As Exhibit A, consider your recent speech at a so-called “tea party” event, wherein you dismissed the president as a “charismatic guy with a tele-prompter.” Bad enough you imply that teleprompter use is the mark of an insubstantial man, even though you and every other major politician uses them. But what made the comment truly jaw-dropping is that even as you spoke, you had penned on your left palm, clearly visible, a series of crib notes.
Mrs. Palin, if Obama is an idiot for reading a prepared speech off a teleprompter, what are you for reading notes you’ve inked on your hand like a school kid who failed to study for the big test?
In the Fox interview, you scored Obama for supposedly expecting Americans to “sit down and shut up” and accept his policies. But when asked when the president has ever said that, you couldn’t answer. Obama, you sputtered, has just been condescending with his “general persona.” I found that a telling moment. See, ultimately what you represent is not conservatism. Heck, I suspect that somewhere, Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan are spinning like helicopter rotors at the very idea.
No, you represent the latest iteration of an anti-intellectualism that periodically rises in the American character. There is, historically and persistently, a belief in us that y’all just can’t trust nobody who acts too smart or talks too good — in other words, somebody whose “general persona” indicates they may have once cracked a book or had a thought. Americans tend to believe common sense the exclusive province of humble folks without sheepskins on the wall or big words in their vocabularies.
I don’t mock those people. They are my parents, my family elders, members of my childhood church. I honor their native good sense, what mom called “mother wit.” But if it is insulting to condescend to them, it is equally insulting to mythologize them.
More to the point, something is wrong when we celebrate mental mediocrity like yours under the misapprehension that competence or, God forbid, “intelligence,” makes a person one of those “elites” — that’s a curse word now — lacking authenticity, compassion and common sense.
So no, this is not a clash of ideologies, but a clash between intelligence and its opposite. And I am tired of being asked to pretend stupid is a virtue. That’s why I’d welcome the moment of truth your campaign would bring. It would force us to decide once and for all whether we are permanently committed to the path of ignorance, of birthers, truthers and tea party incoherence you represent, or whether we will at last turn back from the cliff toward which we race.
If the latter, wonderful, God bless America. If the former, well, some of us can finally quit hoping the nation will return to its senses and plan accordingly. Either way, we need to know, and your candidacy would tell us. If you love this country, Mrs. Palin, you can do it no greater service.
Run, Sarah, run.
— Leonard Pitts Jr. is a columnist for the Miami Herald.
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An Idaho rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door “Is your Dad home?” the rancher asked.
“No sir, he isn’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well,” said the rancher, “Is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” the boy asked politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘ The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Howard.”
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitud e and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49 .09 minutes west longitude.
“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”
“I am,”replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going.
You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
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How cool was this lady !
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would
be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s
new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but
she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this
dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind
sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special
day.”
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another
gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t
you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another
occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear…..I’m
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”
(NOW I ASK YOU – IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE,
WHO WOULDN’T ENJOY THIS STORY?)
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and
touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is
disconnected!
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DEAR FRIENDS – A NUMBER OF MY BEST FRIENDS IN THIS LIFE HAVE LOST THEIR LADIES TO BREAST CANCER. MOST OF YOU KNOW THE PAIN THE MONTHS OF RECOVERY SALLY HAD FROM HER TWO OPERATIONS, CHEMO, RADIATION – SHE WAS A LUCKY ONE – TIME TO SHELL OUT FOR SOME STAMPS AT YOUR POST OFFICE – TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS ONLY A FEW MINUTES – AND SPEND A FEW CENTS MORE FOR THE STAMPS. Fred
THE STAMP
Please read the following story and follow the instructions at the end! Thank You.
Like most elementary schools, it was typical to have a parade of students in and out of the health clinic throughout the day. We dispensed ice for bumps and bruises, Band-Aids for cuts, and liberal doses of sympathy and hugs. As principal, my office was right next door to the clinic, so I often dropped in to lend a hand and help out with the hugs. I knew that for some kids, mine might be the only one they got all day.
One morning I was putting a Band-Aid on a little girl’s scraped knee. Her blonde hair was matted, and I noticed that she was shivering in her thin little sleeveless blouse. I found her a warm sweatshirt and helped her pull it on. “Thanks for taking care of me,” she whispered as she climbed into my lap and snuggled up against me.
It wasn’t long after that when I ran across an unfamiliar lump under my arm. Cancer, an aggressively spreading kind, had already invaded thirteen of my lymph nodes. I pondered whether or not to tell the students about my diagnosis. The word breast seemed so hard to say out loud to them, and the word cancer seemed so frightening. When it became evident that the children were going to find out one way or another, either the straight scoop from me or possibly a garbled version from someone else, I decided to tell them myself.
It wasn’t easy to get the words out, but the empathy and concern I saw in their faces as I explained it to them told me I had made the right decision. When I gave them a chance to ask questions, they mostly wanted to know how they could help.
I told them that what I would like best would be their letters, pictures, and prayers.
I stood by the gym door as the children solemnly filed out. My little blonde friend darted out of line and threw herself into my arms. Then she stepped back to look up into my face. “Don’t be afraid, Dr. Perry,” she said earnestly, “I know you’ll be back because now it’s our turn to take care of you.”
No one could have ever done a better job. The kids sent me off to my first chemotherapy session with a hilarious book of nausea remedies that they had written.
A video of every class in the school singing get-well songs accompanied me to the next chemotherapy appointment.
By the third visit, the nurses were waiting at the door to find out what I would bring next. It was a delicate music box that played “I Will Always Love You.”
Even when I went into isolation at the hospital for a bone marrow transplant, the letters and pictures kept coming until they covered every wall of my room.
Then the kids traced their hands onto colored paper, cut them out and glued them together to make a freestanding rainbow of helping hands. “I feel like I’ve stepped into Disneyland every time I walk into this room,” my doctor laughed.
That was even before the six-foot apple blossom tree arrived adorned with messages written on paper apples from the students and teachers. What healing comfort I found in being surrounded by these tokens of their caring.
At long last I was well enough to return to work. As I headed up the road to the school, I was suddenly overcome by doubts. What if the kids have forgotten all about me? I wondered, What if they don’t want a skinny bald principal? What if.
I caught sight of the school marquee as I rounded the bend. “Welcome Back, Dr. Perry,” it read. As I drew closer, everywhere I looked were pink ribbons – ribbons in the windows, tied on the doorknobs, even up in the trees. The children and staff wore pink ribbons, too.
My blonde buddy was first in line to greet me. “You’re back, Dr. Perry, you’re back!” she called. “See, I told you we’d take care of you!”
As I hugged her tight, in the back of my mind I faintly heard my music box playing . . . “I will always love you.”
Subject: Breast Cancer Stamp Booklet
We need those of you who are great at forwarding on information with your e-mail network. Please read and pass this on. It would be wonderful if 2010 were the year a cure for breast cancer was found!!!!
This is one email you should be glad to pass on. The notion that we could raise $35 million by buying a book of stamps is powerful! As you may be aware, the US Postal Service has the ”Fund the Cure” stamp to help fund breast cancer research. The stamp was designed by Ethel Kessler of Bethesda , Maryland . It is important that we take a stand against this disease that affects so many of our Mothers, Sisters, Friends, Coworkers, and Spouses of Coworkers.
Instead of the normal 44 cents for a stamp, this one costs 55 cents. The additional 11 cents will go to breast cancer research A “normal” book costs $8.80. This one is only $11.00. It takes a few minutes in line at the Post Office and means so much. If all stamps are sold, it will raise an additional $35,000,000 for this vital research. Just as important as the money is our support. What a statement it would make if the stamp outsold the lottery this week. What a statement it would make that we care.
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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’
The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’
God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat
The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’
God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’
The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’
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A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco .
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento
along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and
could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye
dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost
an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’
The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Buddy would
like to stretch his legs.’
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.. Have a great day and remember…
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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
‘I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,’ he said as he surveyed the worried faces. ‘The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.’
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’
The doctor quickly responded,
‘£5,000 for a male brain;
£200 for a female brain.’
The moment turned awkward.
Some of the men actually had to’try’ to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women ..
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
‘Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?’
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
‘It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.’
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH,
AND TO ANY MAN WHOM YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
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TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, ‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’
‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’ HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’
‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW….. TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’
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WOMANS YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
“How much do you weigh?”, she asked.
“135,” I replied.
The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked: “Your height?”
“5 feet, 6 inches,” I answered.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 feet, 3 inches.
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it’s very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I screamed.
“When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I’m short and fat.
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
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This is very interesting and we all need to read it from start to finish
And send it on to everyone. Maybe this is why our American Muslims are
So quiet and not speaking out about any atrocities. Can a good Muslim be
A good American?
This question was forwarded to a friend who worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years.
The following is his reply:
Theologically – no. . . . Because his allegiance is to Allah, The moon
God of Arabia.
Religiously – no.. . . Because no other religion is accepted by His Allah
Except Islam (Quran, 2:256)(Koran)
Scripturally – no. . . Because his allegiance is to the five Pillars of
Islam and the Quran.
Geographically – no . Because his allegiance is to Mecca, to which he
Turns in prayer five times a day.
Socially – no. . . Because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make
Friends with Christians or Jews .
Politically – no.. . . Because he must submit to the mullahs (spiritual
Leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and destruction of America,
The great Satan.
Domestically – no. .. . Because he is instructed to marry four Women and
Beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him (Quran 4:34 )
Intellectually – no. . Because he cannot accept the American
Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles and he believes the
Bible to be corrupt.
Philosophically – no. . . . Because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran does
Not allow freedom of religion and expression. Democracy and Islam cannot
Co-exist Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.
Spiritually – no.. . . Because when we declare ‘one nation under God,’
The Christian’s God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to
As Heavenly father, nor is he ever called love in the Quran’s 99
Excellent names.
Therefore, after much study and deliberation…. Perhaps we should be
Very suspicious of ALL MUSLIMS in this country. – - – They obviously
Cannot be both ‘good’ Muslims and good Americans. Call it what you wish
it’s still the truth. You had better believe it.. The more who understand
This, the better it will be for our country and our future.
The religious war is bigger than we know or understand. ….
Footnote: The Muslims have said they will destroy us from within.
SO FREEDOM IS NOT FREE.
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These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions ….
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q.Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.
Q.If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q.True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q.According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q.In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q.What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q..Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q.In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q.It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q.It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q.Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
“Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral
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At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country`s prior actions, here`s a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.
JFK’S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded “does that include those who are buried here”?
DeGuale did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop
When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.
He answered by saying, ‘Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.’
You could have heard a pin drop.
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There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying ‘Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?’
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: ‘Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear p owered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?’
You could have heard a pin drop.
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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, ‘Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?’
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, ‘Maybe it’s because the Brit’s, Canadians, Aussie’s and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.’
You could have heard a pin drop.
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AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE…
Robert Whiting , an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”
The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !”
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ”Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.”
You could have heard a pin drop.
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What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend get away, Bill and his wife, Janice, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..”
He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’
Bill leaned over, touched Janice’s arm gently, and whispered,
‘Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?’
And thus began Bill’s life of celibacy……….
WOW – A LONG ONE –
Love ya,
Uncle Fred
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