Chipping from the Rough

HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – April 11th, 2010

By fred | April 12, 2010

HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES – April 11^th, 2010

One thing about eBay selling is eventually you will hit a few ‘CUSTOMERS FROM HELL’ – I had been warned about this happening by a friend that sells more on eBay than I do, a lot more in a unrelated field. I was proud of not having any so called customers from hell, but sure as hell I got two in a two month period and one gave me two bad feedbacks for two items, oh, the merchandise was fine, she was unhappy about – well – it is a long story, of course I was right, only being right does not always make folks happy, some folks total ignorance can drive you straight up a tree, so with about 2,200 sales on eBay I am now have three unhappy customers, ha, what can you do?

The last one, in one way gave me the pleasure of telling her off, sorry, but you can only take so much crap and then you have to say enough is enough. Wow, I love my customers but it felt good to tell this weirdo off in this case!

eBay also has a wonderful deal for us store guys, when you get one of these Customers from Hell you can put their eBay sign on a list and they are not allowed to bid or buy from your site again. That at least protects you from having to deal with the person again.

It is still quite cooooooool here in Bellingham, Washington, around 40 to 50 during the day and almost down to freezing at night, not exactly beach weather. Funny when it is clear up here it gets cool, if it was a clear day in the land of my birth, California, even this time of year it would likely be around 70 degrees. Up here the clouds protect us from cold and give us a bit more warming in the winter.

Our University of Washington Husky football team has started spring football so I am reading all I can about that, hopefully they will have a super team this year. It is going to frustrating as all hell when USC plays them, went to USC, son Rick went there, buddy Fuzz went there, it will be a bitch knowing who to cheer for. HOWEVER, USC has had its run, would love to see the Huskies have a go in the Rose Bowl just for once.

Since business is a little slow this afternoon (Sunday, April 11th in the year of our Lord 2010) I will try and get a bunch of the humor and related stuff you guys and gals keep sending me. I have pages of the stuff so won’t be able to send it all, and my in box is so full unfortunately I will have to delete a bunch, can’t be helped, lot of you and just one of me, plus too much is too much.

What do I miss? To tell you the truth I miss being able to talk to my friend for life and brother in law Jack, like a comfortable old shoe that would never let you down, never, Jack was like a rock to me, one I miss so much. Then I miss, Dale, his e-mails always well thought out, always highly intelligent attempts to look at both sides of an issue, my Democratic cohort, I loved him.

Still there are a bunch of us old timers left, still a group of us attached to our days as kids at Los Angeles Polytechnic High School in the center of L. A. They say the “ties that bind” – Poly High did that for so many of us. Which reminds me, I hope all of you that are Poly gals and guys go to the Reunions coming up later this month, if you need more info about the various events let me know.

I will be sending down a few items from my store to Ed Russell our Alumni fearless leader for ladies door prizes at their Alumni Luncheon. Wish I could make it this year but not possible. Hugo my buddy of a lifetime can’t come either – as he needs a shoulder operation and will be recovering for sometime after.

Best buddy, Eddie Saraffian will not have a full house at what we fondly call the “Saraffian Hilton” this year. Ed is about the greatest most fun host there is and the room rates are super for buddies, like zero. Sorry Ed maybe next year we can swamp you again!

I think Ed really loves us coming – however – after a few days of hosting us I think the mood departs and with a sense of relief he deposits us at the airport and can rest up for another year. Those weeks with Ed and Jack, Jody, Hugo, Dominic or combinations thereof have been some of the most fun times of my elder years. The BS about Poly, the old days, football, chasing ladies, and our lives gets so thick sometimes you almost need a shovel, we have sat at Ed’s kitchen table from 8 AM until after noon talking without stopping, fun stuff. Thanks Ed for providing those moments!

Sally will be 80 on May 3^rd so I want to be home for that, instead of often phoning her from L. A. and saying “Happy Birthday” from there – hey, she wanted me to go and have fun with old buddies for a few days, ——still not being there, for many a year, for your ladies birthday is not nice, I constantly had that guilt feeling.

When I think of Jack, Dale and so many, many super friends and family that have had to leave us it sometimes it gets a bit lonely at 80 plus years of age. Ha, well I guess I will see them soon enough!

Will try to get back with you next week for more of —

THE BEGINNING OF HUMOR & STUFF FROM BUDDIES—–

An Obituary printed in the London Times –

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn’t always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place:
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
A teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sunscreen or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust;
by his wife, Discretion; (?)
by his daughter, Responsibility and
by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I am a Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not,
join the majority and do nothing.

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

‘Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

BOB’s funeral will be on Friday.

Posted on Mar 30, 2010

By Robert Scheer
Judge them by their enemies. More evidence that Barack Obama might be shaping up as a good president is that Norman Podhoretz hates him so much. In a Wall Street Journal column Monday the guru of the neoconservatives declared: “I would rather be ruled by the Tea Party than by the Democratic Party, and I would rather have Sarah Palin sitting in the Oval Office than Barack Obama.”
I know that does not properly address all of the serious questions raised about the Obama presidency by progressives, myself included, and as of today we must now add offshore oil drilling to the list. But it is somewhat reassuring that the surviving father of the neocon movement should be left so totally unglued. He is joined in this embrace of the Palin rage by Bill Kristol, whose late father, Irving, was Podhoretz’s comrade in the long march from the far left to the far right. That shift brought the neoconservatives to the pinnacle of power in the Bush administration before they flamed out over the distortions of fact and logic they peddled as justification for the invasion of Iraq.
Among other things—and this was particularly important for Podhoretz, who for 35 years had edited Commentary, a leading journal in the Jewish community—the elimination of Saddam Hussein was supposed to leave Israel more secure. Instead, just the opposite has occurred as a consequence of the vastly increased power of Iran in the region thanks to the elimination of its most feared local adversary. Any effort to contain the power of Iran has been compromised by the leading role of the disciples of the Iranian ayatollahs in the politics of Iraq.
Obama had opposed that war, but he has certainly done his bit to carry on the Bush policy and has furthered it in Afghanistan as well. There is no sign of Obama abandoning those failed adventures, and his fitful efforts to contain Iran while negotiating a much needed settlement of the Israel-Palestine conflict are quite consistent with those of previous administrations. Indeed, the U.S. policy agenda for the region seems to be set by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who, as her warm reception at the recent AIPAC conference indicates, has long been regarded as a fervent friend of Israel.
Indeed, from health care, the banking bailout and on to Mideast peace, it is difficult to find a single policy proposal from Obama that Bill and Hillary Clinton had not both previously embraced. So why the particularly strident animus toward Obama? The answer lies in that fear so common to the tea party core—that Obama is a false prophet leading the good God-fearing folk astray. Since Podhoretz claims to be writing out of the Jewish tradition he does not embrace the possibility of Obama being the Antichrist, but his language is as descriptively bizarre.
In a WSJ article from last September headlined “Why Are Jews Liberals?” which is also the title of his latest book, Podhoretz complained bitterly, “One of the most extraordinary features of Barack Obama’s victory over John McCain was his capture of 78% of the Jewish vote.” What followed was a self-hating tirade against his own: “Jews are by far the most liberal of any group in America.” In support of that view he quotes the sociologist Nathan Glazer, who argued that Jews, as opposed to any other immigrant group in America, have ignored their improving economic status and instead consistently supported “increased government spending, expanded benefits to the poor and lower classes, greater regulations on business, and the power of organized labor.”
What a great testament to the enduring decency of Jewish values that they have proved so capable of embracing social goals that transcend narrow class interest. What a wonderful refutation of historical anti-Semitism that Jews so consistently ignore personal economic gain to serve the larger good. Not so in the eyes of Podhoretz, who was immensely disappointed that the commitment of Jews to those enlightened views did not dissipate with the nomination of Obama but rather increased somewhat.
He bemoans the fact that the vast majority of Jews did not share his fear that Obama was too liberal or anti-Israel, but instead of chalking that up to an honest disagreement he invokes the language of the devil’s deception: “I am hoping against hope that the exposure of Mr. Obama as a false messiah will at last open the eyes of my fellow Jews to the correlative falsity of the political creed he so perfectly personifies and to which they have for so long been so misguidedly loyal.”
So what does that make Sarah Palin—the true messiah?

The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS:

SAFER:

SAFEST:

ULTRA SAFE:

What’s for dinner?

Can I help you with dinner?

Where would you like to go for dinner?

Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?

Wow, you sure look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?

Could we be overreacting?

Here’s my paycheck.

Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?

You know, there are a lot of apples left.

Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?

I hope you didn’t over-do it today.

I’ve always loved you in that robe!

Here, have some wine .

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Forward this information to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh…

and men who need a warning.

A Letter To Jessie James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women

In the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named

“America’s Sweetheart.”

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world

While you were porking away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

My Trip to the Emergency Room

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here’s the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you’re in need of quicker emergency service .

(PATCH SAID – U. S. BORDER PATROL

It also works at DMV; it saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat… three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don’t try it at McDonald’s; the whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission

in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he

realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and

says to the chief, ‘This is a tree.’

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘Tree.’

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he

points to a rock and says, ‘This is a rock.’

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ‘Rock.’

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of

natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, ‘Man riding a bike.’

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years

teaching how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how

could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, ‘My bike.’

Classifieds

These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper – a smile for your day…

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd .
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown – 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie .
And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,Got married last month. Husband knows everything.

AMAZING HEADLINES

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

____________ _________ _________ __

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Ove
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

War Dims Hope for Peace

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

———— ——— ——— ——— ——-

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

———— ——— ——— ——— ——–

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

———— —- ———— ——— ——— —

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

************ ********* ********* ********* *

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

From: Subject: Boilling Water
To:

Don’t know about you, but I do this all the time.
Microwaving Water!

A 26-year old man decided to have a cup of
coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up
(something that he had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long
he set the timer for, but he wanted to bring the water to a boil. When the
timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked
into the cup, he noted that the water was not boiling, but suddenly the
water in the cup ‘blew up’ into his face. The cup remained intact until he
threw it out of his hand, but all the water had flown out into his face due
to the buildup of energy. His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and
2nd degree burns to his face which may leave scarring.

He also may have lost partial sight in his
left eye. While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated
that this is a fairly common occurrence and water (alone) should never be
heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something
should be placed in the cup to diffuse the energy such as a wooden stir
stick, tea bag, etc.., (nothing metal).

General Electric’s Response:

Thanks for contacting us, I will be happy
to assist you. The e-mail that you received is correct. Microwaved water
and other liquids do not always bubble when they reach the boiling point.
They can actually get superheated and not bubble at all. The superheated
liquid will bubble up out of the cup when it is moved or when something
like a spoon or tea bag is put into it.

To prevent this from happening and causing
injury, donot heat any liquid for more than two minutes per cup. After
heating, let the cup stand in the microwave for thirty seconds! before
moving it or adding anything into it.

Here is what our local science teacher had
to say on the matter: ‘Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this
happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can
occur anytime water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel
that the water is heated in is new, or when heating a small amount of water
(less than half a cup).

What happens is that the water heats faster
than the vapor bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely
to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the
bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat
has built up, the liquid does not boil, an d the liquid continues to heat
up well past its boiling point.

What then usually happens is that the
liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to cause the
bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid. The rapid formation of
bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews when opened after having
been shaken.’

If you pass this on you could very well
save someone from a lot of pain and suffering

You may have already known this, I didn’t. Just one more thing to pay attention to.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine…
And those who don’t and are always

Seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria
Found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as a public service!

Someone has to do it!

2 Women in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic

and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every

closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’ d both still be alive.

PRICELESS!

Incident at Cabela’s.

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s
birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela’s associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
‘Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
‘He says, ‘Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.’

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
‘That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB
test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week
for only $20.00. ‘She says, ‘It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!’

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. ‘Oh, that
sounds like a Master Card,’ he says. She bends down to pick it up and
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes
there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being
blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person
around?

The man rings up the sale and says, ‘That’ll be $34.50 please.’
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ‘Didn’t you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?

‘He replies, ‘Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50′

Subject: MOTEL/HOTEL SCAM

This is so simple, and reading this, just about anyone could be caught off-guard, even though we’re all “intelligent” people. (hmmmm)

This is the scenario:
You arrive at your hotel and check in at the front desk. When
checking in, you give the front desk your credit card (for all the charges

for your room). You get to your room and settle in.

Someone calls the front desk and asks for (example) Room 620

(which happens to be your room). Your phone rings in your room. You
answer and the person on the other end says the following, ‘This is the
front desk. When checking in, we came cross a problem with your charge
card information. Please re-read me your credit card number and verify
the last 3 digits numbers at the reverse side of your charge card.’

Without thinking anything is wrong, you give this person your
information, since the caller said he was from the front desk. HOWEVER,
actually, it is a scam by someone calling from outside the hotel/front
desk, asking for a random room number, then asks you for credit card
information and address information.

It sounds up-and-up and so professional that you may think you are

talking with someone at the front desk.

*******
If you ever encounter this problem on your vacation, tell the caller that you will be down personally at the front desk to clear up any problems.

Then, go to the front desk and check to see if they did make the request. Chances are they did not. If so, IMMEDIATELY inform the hotel manager about what happened.
This was sent by someone who has been duped……and is still clearing up the mess….

P.S. Let your friends know. It might just help someone avoid a nasty experience.

A Nun and Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off.” Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the Bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?”

Ma, throw me out the window, a pickle!

The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture.

According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Schulman explains,
‘In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.

Thus ‘How are you?’ may be answered, ‘How should I be, with my bad feet?’

Schulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with ‘sh’ or ‘shm’ at the beginning: ‘Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?’

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: ‘It’s beautiful, that dress.’

Schulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as ‘He’s slow as a turtle,’ could be: ‘Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.’

Schulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: ‘What time is it?’
English answer: ‘Sorry, I don’t know.’
Hebronic response: ‘What am I, a clock?’

Remark: ‘I hope things turn out okay.’
English answer: ‘Thanks.’
Hebronic response: ‘I should be so lucky!’

Remark: ‘Hurry up Dinner’s ready.’
English answer: ‘Be right there.’
Hebronic response: ‘Alright already, I’m coming.
What’s with the ‘hurry’ business? Is there a fire?’

Remark: ‘I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time.’
English answer: ‘Glad you like it.’
Hebronic response: ‘So what’s the matter; you don’t like the other ties I gave you?’

Remark: ‘Sarah and I are engaged.’
English answer: ‘Congratulations!’
Hebronic response: ‘She could stand to lose a few pounds.’

Question: ‘Would you like to go riding with us?’
English answer: ‘Just say when.’
Hebronic response: ‘Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?’

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: ‘Happy birthday.’
Hebronic response: ‘A year smarter you should become.’

Remark: ‘It’s a beautiful day.’
English answer: ‘Sure is.’
Hebronic response: ‘So the sun is out; what else is new?’

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: ‘It’s been a while since you called.’
Hebronic response: ‘You didn’t wonder if I’m dead already?’

Email, shmemail! Luck and happiness will or will not come to you regardless if you send it to another eight people!!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK..

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

GOD is Busy

If you don’t know GOD, don’t make stupid remarks!!!!!! A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a Professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real then I want you to knock me
off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 min. The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, ‘Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.’

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform… The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?” The Marine calmly replied, “GOD was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.”

The classroom erupted in cheers!

GOD Bless that awesome soldier! Amen

THIS RECIPE COMES FROM MY SON ‘SCOTT’ – SIMPLE AND EASY – UNCLE FRED

Two potatoes, cut into cubes, 1/2 inch or so.

In a medium bowl, pour in olive oil and some grated parmesan cheese, just enough to coat the potatoes.
Mix the olive oil and cheese with a spoon. Throw in some potatoes, swish them around, and put on a pan lined with aluminum foil sprayed with Pam. Shake just a little salt and pepper.

Cook for about 50 minutes at 400 degrees, turn over once.

Yum Yum,

Scott

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?” The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance… never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospect or, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, ”No sir…but…I’ve always wanted to.”

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don’t waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don’t mess with old men, they didn’t get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don’t you?

Nymphomaniac Convention

            A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat . As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

  ”Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

”Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

”Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

”Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
NEXT

TALK ABOUT LACK OF JOB SECURITY!!!!!

Subject: No more Pilots

_News from the Lockheed Skunk works – No more flying Pilots…._ Steve Chealander member of the NTSB 2007-2009 is a retired American Captain. He gave a safety presentation at recurrent training about two years ago. He opened the floor for questions and one guy asked facetiously, When are we going to the ‘One’ pilot cockpit. Chealander said that is not Funny. He said FedEx and UPS are now (two years ago) working on the Procedures for a One pilot long haul ‘over water operation’. The pilot would be at the controls for take off and landing then go to the bunk, while a Pilot back in Memphis would take over for the cruise. One Pilot passenger flights will take a bit longer to get approved. Twelve years ago I was Director of Operations for the Alaska Air Guard. I went to a high level conference and this three star gave a presentation that said the exact same thing the Major said. The only limitation on Fighter aircraft now is the Pilot. We have the technology to do everything from the ground and it will be a huge cost savings. No search and rescue, no Life support systems, no backlash when we lose a plane.

So this article is right on the money.

I attended a flight safety presentation last evening from a retired AF Major test pilot from Edwards, Bill Koukourikas, now serving there as a Civilian. During the course of his presentation, his statement – “No future Attack Military aircraft within the next 15 years will have pilots in the Cockpit. The last tactical aircraft with a pilot in the cockpit will be the F-35.” He also indicated that within the next 10 or so years all UPS And Fedex Cargo flights will be with pilot-less aircraft. This prediction coming from their test shop at Edwards.

All drone testing, development etc. Is taking place just south of Edwards in the Palmdale area. Sounds like a continuation of the Skunk Works Development of Lockheed which previously took place in that area. Simply Amazing.

Hey, are ‘Pilots’ a dying breed or What ? ?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here’s something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’ He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
‘I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me and said,… ‘Then, why do you even give a shit

Did You Know This?

In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was
either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him
standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both
legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many
people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms
and legs are “limbs,” therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.
Hence the __expression, “Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”
**************************************************************

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year
(May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their
heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford
good wigs made from wool. They couldn’t wash the wigs, so to clean them they
would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for
30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term “big
wig.” Today we often use the term “here comes the Big Wig” because someone
appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
**************************************************************

In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one
chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used
for dining. The “head of the household” always sat in the chair while
everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was
usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit
in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one
sitting in the chair the “chair man.” Today in business, we use the
__expression or title “Chairman” or “Chairman of the Board.”
**************************************************************

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women
and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee’s
wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were
speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman’s face
she was told, “mind your own bee’s wax.” Should the woman smile, the wax
would crack, hence the term “crack a smile.” In addition, when they sat too
close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the __expression
“losing face.”
**************************************************************

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and
dignified woman . as in “straight laced”. . . wore a tightly tied lace.
*************************************************************

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax
levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the “Ace of
Spades.” To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.

Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be
stupid or dumb because they weren’t “playing with a full deck.”
**************************************************************

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the
people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV’s or radios,
the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They
were told to “go sip some ale” and listen to people’s conversations and
political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. “You
go sip here” and “You go sip there.” The two words “go sip” were eventually
combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term
“gossip.”
**************************************************************

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized
containers. A bar maid’s job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep
the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was
drinking in “pints” and who was drinking in “quarts,” hence the term
“minding your “P’s and Q’s.”
**************************************************************

One more: bet you didn’t know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried
iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary
to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from
rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based
pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested
on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small
area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem…how to prevent
the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution
was a metal plate called a “Monkey” with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly
rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make “Brass Monkeys.”
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the
brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come
right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, “Cold enough to freeze
the balls off a brass monkey.”
(All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn’t you.)

You must send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to unsuspecting
friends. If you don’t, your floppy is going to fall off your hard drive and
kill your mouse.

When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,

And bring so much happiness…just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.

Returning each deed! Oh, they’ll be so excited!